died the month before.’
‘How did she say it?’
‘Quickly, like she was trying to run away from it.’
I remember how Juliet looked at me after she’d said it; it was a look that said,
Enough
. I think she thought that would be it, that I’d leave her alone.
‘How did you react, Emily?’
‘I didn’t feign horror or offer her a useless condolence, I just asked her how.’
‘What did she say?’
‘That they were killed in a house fire. That’s when Sid interrupted.’
‘What did he say?’
I sniggered. ‘Shit.’
‘Did you know he was listening?’
‘No.’
‘So you weren’t trying to embarrass her in front of him?’
I frowned. ‘I was goading her, but it was nothing to do with him.’
‘Okay,’ Doctor Gilyard nodded, ‘so what happened then?’
‘He looked mortified – I don’t think he realised he’d said it out loud.’
‘Did he apologise?’
I sniggered again. ‘Yeah. He said he was saying shit about something he heard the day before. Then he flashed us a smile that would make girls lose their balance.’
‘Did you lose your balance, Emily?’
‘No.’
‘So you weren’t attracted to him immediately?’
I shrugged. ‘I thought he was good looking.’
‘Just good looking?’
‘Yeah. He’s my type: tall, dark, artfully untidy.’
‘So you were attracted to him?’
I got what she was poking at and sighed.
Doctor Gilyard took off her glasses and looked at me. ‘What, Emily?’
‘So I did all of this because I fancied a boy?’
‘I didn’t say that.’
‘No, but that’s what you’re implying.’
‘I’m not implying anything, Emily. I asked you a question: were you attracted to him when you first met him?’
‘Why does that matter?’
‘Why are you finding it so difficult to answer the question?’
‘I know what you’re doing,’ I told her, shaking my head.
‘What am I doing, Emily?’
‘You’re trying to work out what came first, the chicken or theegg: did I fancy him all along or did I fall for him after I used him to get back at Juliet.’
‘Which is it?’
‘I did it for Juliet!’ I hissed, holding on to the arms of the chair and sitting forward. ‘Everything I did was to fuck her over! That’s why I was glad that day, when they met.’
‘Why?’
‘Because I knew she liked him. He made his joke then he smiled at her – just at her, this slow, secret smile – and that was it, I wasn’t in the room any more.’
‘How did that make you feel, Emily?’
‘Happy,’ I said, my nails digging on to the arms of the chair.
‘Really? It was the first time since she stabbed your father that you could get near her and suddenly this boy was between you.’
I shook my head. ‘Do you wanna know why I didn’t kill her?’ I asked with a smug smile. ‘Why I didn’t just stick a knife in her heart and be done with it?’
‘Why, Emily?’
‘Because she was already dead.’
The words seemed to bounce off every wall. I imagined them rolling under the door towards the TV Room like marbles.
She frowned. ‘Dead? How so?’
‘Her mother died of breast cancer when she was four and she’d survived that, but then she stabbed Dad and she lost everything.
Everything
. Her father, her house, her school, her friends. There was no joy in killing her. No release. She had nothing to fight for.’
‘Then she did,’ Doctor Gilyard said and my smile widened.
It happened so quietly, her and Sid. It wasn’t one of those stories they’d tell their children. There was no rain, no chance encounter. Sid didn’t pull her out of the way before she stumbled into the path of a bus. But I felt the classroom hum with it. The floor shivered. Pens rolled off desks. Books fluttered off shelves like broken birds.
‘I knew then that she had a life,’ I told Doctor Gilyard. ‘A future.’
‘And why was that important, Emily?’
I had to take a breath before I said it. ‘Because I could make her beg for it.’
Naomi is with Doctor Gilyard so
‘How did she say it?’
‘Quickly, like she was trying to run away from it.’
I remember how Juliet looked at me after she’d said it; it was a look that said,
Enough
. I think she thought that would be it, that I’d leave her alone.
‘How did you react, Emily?’
‘I didn’t feign horror or offer her a useless condolence, I just asked her how.’
‘What did she say?’
‘That they were killed in a house fire. That’s when Sid interrupted.’
‘What did he say?’
I sniggered. ‘Shit.’
‘Did you know he was listening?’
‘No.’
‘So you weren’t trying to embarrass her in front of him?’
I frowned. ‘I was goading her, but it was nothing to do with him.’
‘Okay,’ Doctor Gilyard nodded, ‘so what happened then?’
‘He looked mortified – I don’t think he realised he’d said it out loud.’
‘Did he apologise?’
I sniggered again. ‘Yeah. He said he was saying shit about something he heard the day before. Then he flashed us a smile that would make girls lose their balance.’
‘Did you lose your balance, Emily?’
‘No.’
‘So you weren’t attracted to him immediately?’
I shrugged. ‘I thought he was good looking.’
‘Just good looking?’
‘Yeah. He’s my type: tall, dark, artfully untidy.’
‘So you were attracted to him?’
I got what she was poking at and sighed.
Doctor Gilyard took off her glasses and looked at me. ‘What, Emily?’
‘So I did all of this because I fancied a boy?’
‘I didn’t say that.’
‘No, but that’s what you’re implying.’
‘I’m not implying anything, Emily. I asked you a question: were you attracted to him when you first met him?’
‘Why does that matter?’
‘Why are you finding it so difficult to answer the question?’
‘I know what you’re doing,’ I told her, shaking my head.
‘What am I doing, Emily?’
‘You’re trying to work out what came first, the chicken or theegg: did I fancy him all along or did I fall for him after I used him to get back at Juliet.’
‘Which is it?’
‘I did it for Juliet!’ I hissed, holding on to the arms of the chair and sitting forward. ‘Everything I did was to fuck her over! That’s why I was glad that day, when they met.’
‘Why?’
‘Because I knew she liked him. He made his joke then he smiled at her – just at her, this slow, secret smile – and that was it, I wasn’t in the room any more.’
‘How did that make you feel, Emily?’
‘Happy,’ I said, my nails digging on to the arms of the chair.
‘Really? It was the first time since she stabbed your father that you could get near her and suddenly this boy was between you.’
I shook my head. ‘Do you wanna know why I didn’t kill her?’ I asked with a smug smile. ‘Why I didn’t just stick a knife in her heart and be done with it?’
‘Why, Emily?’
‘Because she was already dead.’
The words seemed to bounce off every wall. I imagined them rolling under the door towards the TV Room like marbles.
She frowned. ‘Dead? How so?’
‘Her mother died of breast cancer when she was four and she’d survived that, but then she stabbed Dad and she lost everything.
Everything
. Her father, her house, her school, her friends. There was no joy in killing her. No release. She had nothing to fight for.’
‘Then she did,’ Doctor Gilyard said and my smile widened.
It happened so quietly, her and Sid. It wasn’t one of those stories they’d tell their children. There was no rain, no chance encounter. Sid didn’t pull her out of the way before she stumbled into the path of a bus. But I felt the classroom hum with it. The floor shivered. Pens rolled off desks. Books fluttered off shelves like broken birds.
‘I knew then that she had a life,’ I told Doctor Gilyard. ‘A future.’
‘And why was that important, Emily?’
I had to take a breath before I said it. ‘Because I could make her beg for it.’
Naomi is with Doctor Gilyard so
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