Read Online He Died with a Felafel in His Hand by John Birmingham - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: John Birmingham
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at the end of the hall and smashed these drives away with full blooded swings of their woods and five irons. The walls left standing after the chainsaw massacre were pock marked by the sort of holes that machine guns leave in the Bugs Bunny cartoons.
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Harry
I got bitten but not by one of my flatmates. It was the man who lived in the room underneath my girlfriend’s house. His name was Rick and he was shacked up with a girl called Mary. He’d get pissed and beat up on her all the time. One time Mary got so beat up that she crawled outside and hid under his Pulsar. Rick was so drunk he was smashing everything in the house screaming, ‘Mary Mary.’ He came upstairs while we were watching the TV, me and the two girls who lived there. My girlfriend said to me, ‘You’re the only man in the house, deal with this.’ So I said ‘Rick,’big pause, ‘fuck off’. And he attacked me. At first I pushed him over. But he got up. I pushed him over again and he got up. I hit him hard and he got up. I hit him really hard and he got up. I hit him with all my strength and smashed his face in to the point where his face was a bloody mess, and he got up. And suddenly I realised that this was the man who would not die. It was frightening. He should have been completely fucked, but he got up. When I hit him with everything I had and he got up, I felt the Fear. Then he bit me on the chest through my favourite green-striped shirt, bit me just under my nipple. Now I’m really funny about my nips. I’ve never liked girls slurping on them or anything. He took a chunk out of my chest, a big fucking bite, destroyed my favourite green-striped shirt. At this point my girlfriend phoned a guy up the road who was a football player. She couldn’t call the police because of all the drugs in the house. The footy player burst in as we’re fighting, grabbed his mate, the guy who was biting my chest, and pushed him through a wall. He’s going, ‘Calm down man.’ And the guy’s going, ‘I wanna kill him.’ Now I've got this perfect set of teeth marks just below my nipple.
----
Satomi Tiger was the first foreign person I lived with. She was only with us for a short time. Disappeared as mysteriously as she came.
‘I go now.’
But it was interesting having her there. She freaked out one day, because a neighbour came to the window to ask for a kiss. God knows what she made of the chainsaw man. Some cops dragged her home once after they’d caught her riding a scooter through the city, unlicensed, doing 90 in a 60 zone the wrong way up a one-way street. They nearly shot out her tires before she stopped. They were furious and yelled at her until they realised she didn’t understand a word they were saying. Then they spoke very slowly and used lots of hand puppet gestures to explain that she could not do what she was doing. Satomi Tiger bowed and smiled some more.
‘Domo arrigato. Domo. Domo.’
Then she hops on the bike and blasts off in the same direction. 0 to 90 in three seconds. They ran her down again, brought her home and tore Neal a new arsehole for letting her ride his bike.
We liked Satomi Tiger’s quiet, rent-paying ways, so we ran a succession of foreign students through her old sleepout after she disappeared. It was a very small, naked room, the worst in the place. A major train line ran parallel with that side of the house, so none of us would bed down there, but it was perfect for clueless, rent-paying foreigners.
----
Jed
We got bored a lot. There were about six of us home one night, in this big old house with a fireplace, very bored, watching teev, nothing on. Someone tossed a match into the fireplace. Somebody else tossed a cigarette after it. Then somebody spat in there. Someone picked up a glass and threw it in. Then an iron went in. Then this frenzy took hold for about five minutes, everything went in there. Arms were being ripped off chairs, books, plates, random furniture. Then somebody made a move for the
----
Harry
I got bitten but not by one of my flatmates. It was the man who lived in the room underneath my girlfriend’s house. His name was Rick and he was shacked up with a girl called Mary. He’d get pissed and beat up on her all the time. One time Mary got so beat up that she crawled outside and hid under his Pulsar. Rick was so drunk he was smashing everything in the house screaming, ‘Mary Mary.’ He came upstairs while we were watching the TV, me and the two girls who lived there. My girlfriend said to me, ‘You’re the only man in the house, deal with this.’ So I said ‘Rick,’big pause, ‘fuck off’. And he attacked me. At first I pushed him over. But he got up. I pushed him over again and he got up. I hit him hard and he got up. I hit him really hard and he got up. I hit him with all my strength and smashed his face in to the point where his face was a bloody mess, and he got up. And suddenly I realised that this was the man who would not die. It was frightening. He should have been completely fucked, but he got up. When I hit him with everything I had and he got up, I felt the Fear. Then he bit me on the chest through my favourite green-striped shirt, bit me just under my nipple. Now I’m really funny about my nips. I’ve never liked girls slurping on them or anything. He took a chunk out of my chest, a big fucking bite, destroyed my favourite green-striped shirt. At this point my girlfriend phoned a guy up the road who was a football player. She couldn’t call the police because of all the drugs in the house. The footy player burst in as we’re fighting, grabbed his mate, the guy who was biting my chest, and pushed him through a wall. He’s going, ‘Calm down man.’ And the guy’s going, ‘I wanna kill him.’ Now I've got this perfect set of teeth marks just below my nipple.
----
Satomi Tiger was the first foreign person I lived with. She was only with us for a short time. Disappeared as mysteriously as she came.
‘I go now.’
But it was interesting having her there. She freaked out one day, because a neighbour came to the window to ask for a kiss. God knows what she made of the chainsaw man. Some cops dragged her home once after they’d caught her riding a scooter through the city, unlicensed, doing 90 in a 60 zone the wrong way up a one-way street. They nearly shot out her tires before she stopped. They were furious and yelled at her until they realised she didn’t understand a word they were saying. Then they spoke very slowly and used lots of hand puppet gestures to explain that she could not do what she was doing. Satomi Tiger bowed and smiled some more.
‘Domo arrigato. Domo. Domo.’
Then she hops on the bike and blasts off in the same direction. 0 to 90 in three seconds. They ran her down again, brought her home and tore Neal a new arsehole for letting her ride his bike.
We liked Satomi Tiger’s quiet, rent-paying ways, so we ran a succession of foreign students through her old sleepout after she disappeared. It was a very small, naked room, the worst in the place. A major train line ran parallel with that side of the house, so none of us would bed down there, but it was perfect for clueless, rent-paying foreigners.
----
Jed
We got bored a lot. There were about six of us home one night, in this big old house with a fireplace, very bored, watching teev, nothing on. Someone tossed a match into the fireplace. Somebody else tossed a cigarette after it. Then somebody spat in there. Someone picked up a glass and threw it in. Then an iron went in. Then this frenzy took hold for about five minutes, everything went in there. Arms were being ripped off chairs, books, plates, random furniture. Then somebody made a move for the
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