Read Online Has Anyone Seen My Pants? by Sarah Colonna - Free Book Online Page B

calendar. He was going to be in town in less than two months. I decided I’d go on a diet right away, then thought about it some more and figured I’d just wait until three days before he was in town and drink only juice for those three days; a much more realistic goal for me.
    For the next few weeks, Baseball Player and I exchanged text messages. Flirts, photos (nothing too dirty; I never want my boobies on the Internet because my parents, although not completely savvy, do know how to use it), but mostly, we talked about getting together next time he was in town. That day was approaching and I couldn’t wait; the buildup was killing me.
    So, imagine my disappointment when I realized that when he was in town, I was going to be out of town doing stand-up for my book tour. Fuck. My. Life .
    I’d been working so hard on this tour, been out of town so much, that the only personal life I had at this point was my text relationship with Baseball Player (probably not great, considering there was a pretty good chance I was not his only “personal life”). And now this book tour was going to keep me from getting out of the texting zone and into the penetration zone.
    “This fucking book tour is ruining everything,” I texted him.
    “No, it’s so great and so good for you!” he responded. “We play there two more times this year; we’ll see each other then.”
    Oh, God. He’s so supportive of my career, like a good boyfriend should be.
    As we both continued our various travels, we kept in touch. One afternoon when he was in Seattle, he sent me a picture of the gloomy gray sky that said, “I don’t know how people live here . . . it’s so depressing.”
    Ahhhh, he’s feeling down.
    What makes people feel better when they’re down? Flowers! And he’s missing the sun . . . sunflowers ! I immediately went online to have some sunflowers sent to his hotel but then stopped. I knew I wasn’t allowed to make this decision on my own. Also, I didn’t know what hotel he was staying in—there are a few in Seattle.
    Tara and Stephanie liked the flowers idea; they thought it was sweet.
    “Why not? I doubt he’s been sent flowers very often,” Tara said. “He’ll think it’s cute!”
    Steph said to just text him and ask where he’s staying. “Just ask him what hotel they stay in, because you go to Seattle a lot and are wondering if it’s one of your faves.”
    “But I don’t go to Seattle a lot.”
    Silence on the other end of the phone.
    “Oh,” I said. “Okay, I get it. Just pretend . . .”
    Tara sighed and they both got off the phone so I could order the flowers. And yes , we do three-way phone calls as if we’re still in high school.
    I was nervous, so I consulted one more person: my friend Liz. She has been divorced once and engaged another time, but that time they broke up before they got married. She tells me I should always ask her advice about guys, because she’s had two rings and I’ve had zero. In fact, she calls herself “Two Rings” when giving me advice and insists she knows better. I never retort that she no longer has either of those rings, so maybe her advice isn’t the best to take, because when I’m feeling uncertain her logic makes sense.
    Two Rings liked the idea of the sunflowers. She said it was “thoughtful” and that in his profession he probably didn’t meet a lot of thoughtful women, “just a bunch of whores.”
    Thanks, Two Rings.
    I decided the idea of getting myself into a more esteemed category than “whore” sounded nice, so I logged on to1800Flowers.com to send some sunshine to Baseball Player, along with a note that said, “Since the sun isn’t there, I’m sending you a little . . .”
    I’M SO SWEET! I can’t believe I’m single!
    I nervously anticipated his response—this felt like a pretty bold move. A few hours later, he sent me a text with a photo of the flowers attached and wrote: “You’re so sweet!” ( Told you! )
    I smiled and clicked on