Read Online Has Anyone Seen My Pants? by Sarah Colonna - Free Book Online Page A

clearly didn’t know what I was doing.
    “Send me one of your shirts, then when you’re in town you can help me take it off . . . ,” Stephanie typed from my phone .
    I was horrified. “This is too much too soon!” I told her. “He’s going to think I’m coming on too strong. He’s going to think I’m a slut !”
    “He’s a Major League Baseball player ,” Stephanie explained. “He loves sluts.”
    “You don’t know a thing about him,” I argued. “Maybe he wants a nice girl who doesn’t send slutty things about getting naked with him the first time she meets him!”
    “Then he doesn’t want you, anyway, so what do you have to lose?” Tara asked.
    Solid point.
    We all held hands and waited for his response. Silence. No response. He had been texting me back immediately thus far and now, nothing.
    “I knew it. He just wants to be friends, or maybe he thought I was a decent girl, and now he thinks I’m slutty. I can’t believe I let you guys write that! This is so humiliating.”
    “He’s a Major League Baseball player ,” Stephanie reiterated. “He doesn’t want to be your friend; he already has friends . . . other Major League Baseball players .”
    “Maybe he’s a nice guy,” I said, trying to defend him again. “And now you’ve gone and ruined it.”
    I tried to shake off my disappointment and enjoy the game in front of me . . . the beer helped.
    A couple of hours later, my phone vibrated. A text message.
    The girls stared at me. “Is it him ? What did he say?” they asked.
    “I can’t look,” I whined.
    “I can,” Tara yelled as she grabbed my phone. She and Steph looked at the message and smiled.
    “Well, what did he say?” I asked, sweating.
    “Oh, this is good!” Steph exclaimed.
    “Soooo good!” Tara added.
    “Well, what the fuck did he say?” They were killing me.
    “ ‘Ooooh, that sounds fun. Too bad I’m not in town right now’ . . . along with that smiley-face emoticon with the tongue hanging out,” Steph read. “He really likes those emoticons.”
    “He’s obviously sensitive! But what took him so long to write that? Do you think he had to ask his friends how he should respond?” I wondered.
    “Sure, that must be it, he didn’t know how to respond to a girl flirting with him, it’s never happened to him before . . . that or it’s fucking opening day and he has a game in an hour and he was warming up or taking batting practice,” Tara explained rationally, but in a way that let me know I was really stupid.
    God, she’s smart (except about Twitter).
    The rest of the day we enjoyed the game and intermittently discussed my future as the girlfriend of Baseball Player.
    Later that night, I was home—now sans Tara and Stephanie—when my text alert went off.
    “How was the game?” Baseball Player asked.
    Oh, shit. How was the game? I don’t know! I don’t have my friends here to tell me how it was!
    I texted them so they could help me tell Baseball Player how the game was, but they were both asleep like normal people. I was on my own, and I was drunk.
    Come on, Sarah, you can do this. You’re an adult; you can send a text message without having your friends tell you what to write.
    I took a deep breath. “It was great.” No, that’s stupid. It was great, but that’s not the kind of response Tara and Steph would instruct me to give. I channeled their advice and started over.
    “It was really fun, but would’ve been more fun if you’d been there to escort me home.” I stared at the text for two whole minutes then took a deep breath and hit “send.”
    (Not bad, right?! And I’d thought of it all on my own!)
    “That could’ve ended up being pretty fun,” Baseball Player quickly wrote back.
    “Well, hopefully soon you’ll find out just how much fun I can be,” I wrote back, without even thinking about it. Man, I was getting good. Tara and Steph who ?
    “It’s a plan,” he responded.
    I immediately Googled his team’s