Read Online Hardcore Twenty-Four by Janet Evanovich - Free Book Online Page A

she’ll be happy to go home. And she doesn’t look hungry, so that’s a good thing. Most likely she’s just eaten a beagle, and she’s feeling sleepy. No reason to be afraid. And probably she feels good to the touch. You wouldn’t have a problem if she was a pair of cowboy boots, right?
    I inched closer, telling myself to stay calm. I circled around to Ethel’s tail and took a deep breath. I reached down to touch her, and she tensed, raised her head, and looked at me. I stumbled back and paused for a moment, relieved that I hadn’t soiled myself.
    â€œMaybe you shouldn’t get so close,” one of the women said. “Maybe you should wait for animal control.”
    â€œNo worries,” Lula said. “Stephanie knows what she’s doing. Besides, Ethel’s just saying hello.”
    Ethel was uncurling and moving toward me, eyes wide open, forked tongue out. I didn’t see any lumps in her body that would indicate the presence of an undigested beagle, and I was thinking I might be wrong about her not being hungry. I had pepper spray in one hand and my stun gun in my other hand, and I had no idea if either would have any effect on a boa.
    â€œYou grab her, and I’ll go open the back door,” Lula said.
    â€œHere’s the deal,” I said to Ethel. “I promised Diggery I’d sort of take care of you while he was locked up. So I have to get you back to the double-wide. And that means I have to get you into my car. And that means I have to immobilize you a little. I swear to God, it’ll be okay, and after I get you home I’ll bring you a pizza. It’s the best I can do because the rats got all eaten.”
    Ethel lunged at me, and I gave her a bunch of jolts with the stun gun. She shuddered and twitched, her head hit the ground, and she didn’t move.
    â€œWhat did you do?” one of the women said. “Is she dead?”
    â€œShe’s stunned,” I said.
    I wrapped my hands around Ethel’s tail and tried to pull her toward the car, but it was like moving a fifty-pound sandbag.
    â€œI need help,” I said. “I can’t move her all by myself.”
    No one came forward.
    â€œShe’s currently on someone’s front lawn,” I said.
    A woman with short brown hair raised her hand.
    â€œIf you want her off your lawn you’re going to have to help me move her.”
    â€œWhat the heck?” the woman said. “I have three out-of-controlkids and a three-hundred-pound husband who snores like a yeti. I guess I can move a snake.”
    Everyone but Lula grabbed a piece of Ethel. We wrestled her into the back of the Mercedes and closed the door on her.
    â€œAppreciate the help, ladies,” I said. “I’m sure Ethel will be happy to get home.”
    I jumped behind the wheel, and Lula got in beside me.
    â€œThat went off easy-peasy,” Lula said. “Bing bang bam. Are we a team, or what? Now all we got to do is get Ethel into the double-wide. I bet you got a plan for that too.”
    â€œI have hot dogs. And I promised her pizza.”
    â€œThat would do it for me.”
    I turned onto State, drove for ten minutes, and turned onto Diggery’s road.
    â€œThis could be a new profession for us,” Lula said. “We could be snake wranglers. I bet there’s good money in it.”
    â€œI think I hear some rustling in the back. Check on Ethel for me. See if she’s okay.”
    â€œIt’s just this bumpy, crap-ass road,” Lula said. “Ethel’s sleeping like a baby.”
    â€œStill, just turn around and make sure.”
    â€œNo problem.
YOW! She’s awake. Lordy, she’s coming to get me. She’s going to eat me alive!”
    â€œDon’t panic. Take my stun gun and give her another shot of electric.”
    â€œLet me out. Stop the car.”
    In my peripheral vision, I saw a snake head slither over Lula’s