go on if there’s no heaven to get to?”
8
Paul went to see Fazzo the Fabulous on Death Row. Fazzo had gained some weight in prison, and looked healthier.
“I have to know something,” he said.
90
“Yeah, kid?” Fazzo looked at him carefully. “You want to know all about 265, don’t you? You been there since I got arrested?”
Paul nodded. Then, as if this were a revelation, he said, “You’re sober.”
“I have to be in here. No choice. The twelve-step program of incarceration...Let me tell you, 265 is a living breathing thing. It’s not getting rented out any time soon, either. It waits for the one it marked. You’re it, kid. It’s waiting for you, and you know it. And there’s no use resisting its charms.”
“Why did you kill that woman?”
“The forty million dollar question, kid. The forty million dollar question.”
“Forget it then.”
“Okay, you look like a decent kid. I’ll tell you. She was a sweet girl, but she wanted too much heaven. She and me both. Life’s job is not to give you too much heaven. But she got a taste for it, just like I did. You get addicted to it. So,” Fazzo gestured with his hands in a sawing motion. “She got in but the door came down. I mean, I know I 91
cut into her, using my hands. I know that. Only I wasn’t trying to cut into her. I liked her. She was sweet. I was trying to keep it from slamming down so hard on her. They thought I was insane at first, and were going to put me in one of those hospitals. But all the doctors pretty much confirmed that my marbles were around. Only all that boozing I did made me sound nuts.” Fazzo leaned over. “You got someone you love, kid?”
Paul shrugged. “I got my little sister. She’s it.”
“No other family?”
“I got cousins out of state. Why?”
“No folks?”
Paul shook his head.
“Okay, now it’s clear why 265 chose you, kid. You’re like me, practically no strings, right? But one beloved in your life. Me, I had Joey.”
Paul grimaced.
“Hey!” Fazzo flared up. “It wasn’t like that! Joey was a kid whose family threw him out with the garbage. I gave him shelter, and that was 92
it. Wasn’t nothing funny about it. Sick thing to think.” Then, after a minute he calmed. “I gave Joey what was in 265 and everything was good for awhile. Joey, he had some problems.”
“Like--”
Fazzo shrugged. “We all got problems. Joey, he had leukemia. He was gonna die.” Then it was as if a light blinked on in the old man’s eyes. “You know about Joey, don’t you? It touched you in there, and it let you know about him. Am I right? When it touches you, it lets you know about who’s there and who’s not, and maybe about who’s coming soon. You know about Joey?”
Paul shook his head.
Fazzo seemed disappointed. “Sometimes I think it was all an illusion, like my bag of tricks. In here, all these bricks and bars and grays--sometimes I forget what it was like to go through the door.”
“What happened to Joey?”
“He’s still there. I put him there.”
“You killed him?”
93
“Holy shit, kid, you think I’d kill a little boy I loved as if he were my own son? I told you, I put him there, through 265. He’s okay there. They treat him decent.”
“He’s not in the apartment,” Paul said, as if trying to grasp something.
“You want me to spell it out for you, kid? 265 is the door to Heaven. You don’t have to believe me, and it ain’t the Heaven from Jesus Loves Me Yes I Know. It’s a better Heaven than that. It’s the Heaven to beat all Heavens.” Fazzo spat at the glass that separated them. “You come here with questions like a damn reporter and you don’t want answers. You want answers you go into that place. You won’t like what you find, but it’s too late for you. 265 is yours, kid. Go get it. And whoever it is you love, if it’s that sister of yours, make sure she gets in it. Make sure she gets Heaven. Maybe that’s what
8
Paul went to see Fazzo the Fabulous on Death Row. Fazzo had gained some weight in prison, and looked healthier.
“I have to know something,” he said.
90
“Yeah, kid?” Fazzo looked at him carefully. “You want to know all about 265, don’t you? You been there since I got arrested?”
Paul nodded. Then, as if this were a revelation, he said, “You’re sober.”
“I have to be in here. No choice. The twelve-step program of incarceration...Let me tell you, 265 is a living breathing thing. It’s not getting rented out any time soon, either. It waits for the one it marked. You’re it, kid. It’s waiting for you, and you know it. And there’s no use resisting its charms.”
“Why did you kill that woman?”
“The forty million dollar question, kid. The forty million dollar question.”
“Forget it then.”
“Okay, you look like a decent kid. I’ll tell you. She was a sweet girl, but she wanted too much heaven. She and me both. Life’s job is not to give you too much heaven. But she got a taste for it, just like I did. You get addicted to it. So,” Fazzo gestured with his hands in a sawing motion. “She got in but the door came down. I mean, I know I 91
cut into her, using my hands. I know that. Only I wasn’t trying to cut into her. I liked her. She was sweet. I was trying to keep it from slamming down so hard on her. They thought I was insane at first, and were going to put me in one of those hospitals. But all the doctors pretty much confirmed that my marbles were around. Only all that boozing I did made me sound nuts.” Fazzo leaned over. “You got someone you love, kid?”
Paul shrugged. “I got my little sister. She’s it.”
“No other family?”
“I got cousins out of state. Why?”
“No folks?”
Paul shook his head.
“Okay, now it’s clear why 265 chose you, kid. You’re like me, practically no strings, right? But one beloved in your life. Me, I had Joey.”
Paul grimaced.
“Hey!” Fazzo flared up. “It wasn’t like that! Joey was a kid whose family threw him out with the garbage. I gave him shelter, and that was 92
it. Wasn’t nothing funny about it. Sick thing to think.” Then, after a minute he calmed. “I gave Joey what was in 265 and everything was good for awhile. Joey, he had some problems.”
“Like--”
Fazzo shrugged. “We all got problems. Joey, he had leukemia. He was gonna die.” Then it was as if a light blinked on in the old man’s eyes. “You know about Joey, don’t you? It touched you in there, and it let you know about him. Am I right? When it touches you, it lets you know about who’s there and who’s not, and maybe about who’s coming soon. You know about Joey?”
Paul shook his head.
Fazzo seemed disappointed. “Sometimes I think it was all an illusion, like my bag of tricks. In here, all these bricks and bars and grays--sometimes I forget what it was like to go through the door.”
“What happened to Joey?”
“He’s still there. I put him there.”
“You killed him?”
93
“Holy shit, kid, you think I’d kill a little boy I loved as if he were my own son? I told you, I put him there, through 265. He’s okay there. They treat him decent.”
“He’s not in the apartment,” Paul said, as if trying to grasp something.
“You want me to spell it out for you, kid? 265 is the door to Heaven. You don’t have to believe me, and it ain’t the Heaven from Jesus Loves Me Yes I Know. It’s a better Heaven than that. It’s the Heaven to beat all Heavens.” Fazzo spat at the glass that separated them. “You come here with questions like a damn reporter and you don’t want answers. You want answers you go into that place. You won’t like what you find, but it’s too late for you. 265 is yours, kid. Go get it. And whoever it is you love, if it’s that sister of yours, make sure she gets in it. Make sure she gets Heaven. Maybe that’s what
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