life because of this?’
I raised the beer bottle again. ‘Another round? Then I’ll tell you the rest.’
12
Dan came back with two more beers. When he settled back in, he didn’t say anything. He just waited for me to go on.
I finally said it: ‘I used to hate my brother.’
Dan didn’t respond. He watched and waited.
‘When we were kids, people looked at us wherever we went. I knew what they were thinking. “Oh, that poor family. That poor boy.” And then Ronnie would chew with his mouth open, or he’d grunt when he should have talked, and that would only make it worse for me. I’d want to hide under the table, or just run away.’
‘A lot of kids would feel the same way in your situation. I’m sure they have.’
‘I used to wish for something,’ I said. ‘After my mom told me why they had me, I used to wish that
she
would die. It would make sense for me to want her to stay alive because then she would be there to take care of Ronnie. But I used to wish she’d die so I could be free of my obligation to her.’
‘And to Ronnie?’ Dan asked.
I nodded.
‘You know that’s illogical, right?’ Dan said. ‘I mean, he’s your brother, so if your mom died –’
‘I didn’t say it was logical, Dan.’
‘Right,’
he said. ‘Well, just because you have those feelings doesn’t mean you would really act on them.’
‘But I did act on them,’ I said. ‘I’ve been absent from their lives.’
‘Well, I know all about that,’ he said.
I turned to him. ‘What are you saying, Dan?’
‘I guess I’m wondering what you’re here for,’ he said.
‘Dan, my mother died. She was killed.’
‘I know,’ he said. ‘I know. I’m just saying, E, that you don’t exactly let people in, you know? You’re not always there for others. At least not for me.’ He held his hands out before him. ‘I shouldn’t be saying all this now. It’s bad timing.’
‘Go ahead,’ I said.
‘I’m fine.’
‘Go ahead,’ I said. ‘I might learn something.’
He reached up and ran his hand through his hair. ‘I don’t know what you’re here for. Do you want absolution? Or sympathy? I don’t see or hear from you for weeks, and then here you are on my doorstep. I know your mother died, but I had to hear about it from someone else.’
I felt my chin quiver. I bit back any tears, holding them in. I looked at the floor again.
‘Do you want to hear the truth?’ he asked.
‘I thought I was already hearing it.’
‘It’s possible if you were more involved with your family’s life that you could have done something. But that’s assuming your brother really did this, and that’s assuming there was anything to be done. You could have been right there, camped out in the living room, and the same thing
might have happened.’ He sighed. ‘Or maybe you would have been hurt too.’
He sounded concerned, as though the thought of me being hurt was painful to him. It was sweet to hear, even if he was mad at me.
‘Thanks,’ I said.
‘It’s too late for your mom,’ he said. ‘You can’t do anything to help her. But you can still do what she wanted you to do. You can still take care of your brother.’
‘I’ve seen the will. It makes my uncle Ronnie’s guardian. And that makes the most sense. Paul and Ronnie get along well. Paul is patient. He understands what Ronnie needs.’
‘Ronnie still needs you. You can play a role in his life. A big one.’
‘Unless …’ I almost couldn’t say it. ‘Unless the worst is true about him, the things the police say.’
Dan didn’t have any words of wisdom to share about that.
13
I woke up between the familiar sheets of Dan’s bed. My head felt foggy from the beer and the sleep. I rolled over and found the other side of the small bed empty. The clock read eight thirty.
‘Dan?’
He came in the door dressed for school, which meant he was wearing a flannel shirt and ratty jeans. But he’d showered, and when he lay down next to me I could
I raised the beer bottle again. ‘Another round? Then I’ll tell you the rest.’
12
Dan came back with two more beers. When he settled back in, he didn’t say anything. He just waited for me to go on.
I finally said it: ‘I used to hate my brother.’
Dan didn’t respond. He watched and waited.
‘When we were kids, people looked at us wherever we went. I knew what they were thinking. “Oh, that poor family. That poor boy.” And then Ronnie would chew with his mouth open, or he’d grunt when he should have talked, and that would only make it worse for me. I’d want to hide under the table, or just run away.’
‘A lot of kids would feel the same way in your situation. I’m sure they have.’
‘I used to wish for something,’ I said. ‘After my mom told me why they had me, I used to wish that
she
would die. It would make sense for me to want her to stay alive because then she would be there to take care of Ronnie. But I used to wish she’d die so I could be free of my obligation to her.’
‘And to Ronnie?’ Dan asked.
I nodded.
‘You know that’s illogical, right?’ Dan said. ‘I mean, he’s your brother, so if your mom died –’
‘I didn’t say it was logical, Dan.’
‘Right,’
he said. ‘Well, just because you have those feelings doesn’t mean you would really act on them.’
‘But I did act on them,’ I said. ‘I’ve been absent from their lives.’
‘Well, I know all about that,’ he said.
I turned to him. ‘What are you saying, Dan?’
‘I guess I’m wondering what you’re here for,’ he said.
‘Dan, my mother died. She was killed.’
‘I know,’ he said. ‘I know. I’m just saying, E, that you don’t exactly let people in, you know? You’re not always there for others. At least not for me.’ He held his hands out before him. ‘I shouldn’t be saying all this now. It’s bad timing.’
‘Go ahead,’ I said.
‘I’m fine.’
‘Go ahead,’ I said. ‘I might learn something.’
He reached up and ran his hand through his hair. ‘I don’t know what you’re here for. Do you want absolution? Or sympathy? I don’t see or hear from you for weeks, and then here you are on my doorstep. I know your mother died, but I had to hear about it from someone else.’
I felt my chin quiver. I bit back any tears, holding them in. I looked at the floor again.
‘Do you want to hear the truth?’ he asked.
‘I thought I was already hearing it.’
‘It’s possible if you were more involved with your family’s life that you could have done something. But that’s assuming your brother really did this, and that’s assuming there was anything to be done. You could have been right there, camped out in the living room, and the same thing
might have happened.’ He sighed. ‘Or maybe you would have been hurt too.’
He sounded concerned, as though the thought of me being hurt was painful to him. It was sweet to hear, even if he was mad at me.
‘Thanks,’ I said.
‘It’s too late for your mom,’ he said. ‘You can’t do anything to help her. But you can still do what she wanted you to do. You can still take care of your brother.’
‘I’ve seen the will. It makes my uncle Ronnie’s guardian. And that makes the most sense. Paul and Ronnie get along well. Paul is patient. He understands what Ronnie needs.’
‘Ronnie still needs you. You can play a role in his life. A big one.’
‘Unless …’ I almost couldn’t say it. ‘Unless the worst is true about him, the things the police say.’
Dan didn’t have any words of wisdom to share about that.
13
I woke up between the familiar sheets of Dan’s bed. My head felt foggy from the beer and the sleep. I rolled over and found the other side of the small bed empty. The clock read eight thirty.
‘Dan?’
He came in the door dressed for school, which meant he was wearing a flannel shirt and ratty jeans. But he’d showered, and when he lay down next to me I could
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