see, Nick, it’s not just your alibi that’s a problem,” said Boney. “The crime scene’s a problem, too. But there’s a third problem for you: just a couple weeks ago, you increased Amy’s life insurance policy to two million dollars. Why’d you do that, Nick?”
“I did it because I knew by the time she died and I was single again I’d be too old to get hot girls, so I wanted to have enough to afford hot hookers.”
“There’s a fourth problem as well, Nick—”
“You know, I’m getting a little tired of your ‘problems’ and your ‘questions about what happened,’” I said. “I think it’s time for me to get a lawyer.”
Boney and Gilpin gave each other another look. “Whatever you say, Nick,” said Boney, and they got up to leave.
“Yeah, that’s right, get the fuck out. Mi casa,” I said, and slammed the door after they left. But a second later, I opened the door again.
“Hey, you guys know any good lawyers?”
AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: July 30, 2011
Rule #1 of framing someone for murder: Everything is like five times more difficult than you think it’ll be.
Today I go to the gun store to ask about buying a gun, so that when I disappear it’ll look like I was afraid of Nick. Simple, right?
Except that it’s not simple, ‘cause I’m in Missouri. You know how in some states it’s hard to buy a gun? In Missouri, it’s hard to not buy a gun. If you walk in and ask about a gun, and then say you don’t want to buy it, they’ll keep lowering the price, and eventually they’ll just give it to you and say you can pay them later if you want. And if you still insist on not taking the gun, they’ll think you’re one of those leftie filmmakers making some anti-gun documentary about how easy it is to buy a gun in Missouri. They actually put you in a registry if you don’t buy a gun after asking about one.
So now I have this gun, and I have no idea what to do with it. And it turns out it won’t even help convince people that I was afraid of Nick, because practically everyone in Missouri has a gun. So now I have to step it up a level and look into military-grade armaments. On the bright side, I finally have an excuse to use that $100 gift certificate for bazookas.com.
NICK DUNNE: Six Days Gone
The night after my living room interview with Boney and Gilpin, there was a candlelight vigil for Amy in the town square. Go signed me up to speak there because she thought it’d be a good opportunity to rehabilitate my image. My image definitely needed some rehabilitation, because the media was continuing to batter me. Their newest thing was turning up purported “items of concern,” like the utterly irrelevant fact that in high school I was voted Most Likely to Kill His Wife .
There was a good side to all the media coverage, however: business at the cat cafe was booming. We’d hired three more baristas and 23 more cats. (Unfortunately these weren’t great cafe cats — they kept shedding on the biscotti.) Also, the cafe was now being sponsored by Fancy Feast. You’d think they might not want to sponsor a business co-owned by an alleged murderer, but I guess when it comes to cat food marketing there are only so many opportunities.
The town square was packed for the vigil, and there were TV vans everywhere. When it was my turn to speak I walked up to the microphone and looked out at the crowd, and I was a bit thrown by seeing Amy’s face everywhere on people’s T-shirts. Most of the shirts said COME BACK AMY and WE MISS YOU , but one of them said I WENT TO SEARCH FOR AMY DUNNE AND ALL I FOUND WAS THIS STUPID T-SHIRT .
I took out my prepared speech (unlike previous speeches, I’d actually written something in advance this time) and began to speak.
“Hi everyone. Thank you so, so much for coming out, I really appreciate it. As you know, my wife Amy is missing. Amy is my partner in every way, and I am incomplete
“I did it because I knew by the time she died and I was single again I’d be too old to get hot girls, so I wanted to have enough to afford hot hookers.”
“There’s a fourth problem as well, Nick—”
“You know, I’m getting a little tired of your ‘problems’ and your ‘questions about what happened,’” I said. “I think it’s time for me to get a lawyer.”
Boney and Gilpin gave each other another look. “Whatever you say, Nick,” said Boney, and they got up to leave.
“Yeah, that’s right, get the fuck out. Mi casa,” I said, and slammed the door after they left. But a second later, I opened the door again.
“Hey, you guys know any good lawyers?”
AMY ELLIOTT DUNNE: July 30, 2011
Rule #1 of framing someone for murder: Everything is like five times more difficult than you think it’ll be.
Today I go to the gun store to ask about buying a gun, so that when I disappear it’ll look like I was afraid of Nick. Simple, right?
Except that it’s not simple, ‘cause I’m in Missouri. You know how in some states it’s hard to buy a gun? In Missouri, it’s hard to not buy a gun. If you walk in and ask about a gun, and then say you don’t want to buy it, they’ll keep lowering the price, and eventually they’ll just give it to you and say you can pay them later if you want. And if you still insist on not taking the gun, they’ll think you’re one of those leftie filmmakers making some anti-gun documentary about how easy it is to buy a gun in Missouri. They actually put you in a registry if you don’t buy a gun after asking about one.
So now I have this gun, and I have no idea what to do with it. And it turns out it won’t even help convince people that I was afraid of Nick, because practically everyone in Missouri has a gun. So now I have to step it up a level and look into military-grade armaments. On the bright side, I finally have an excuse to use that $100 gift certificate for bazookas.com.
NICK DUNNE: Six Days Gone
The night after my living room interview with Boney and Gilpin, there was a candlelight vigil for Amy in the town square. Go signed me up to speak there because she thought it’d be a good opportunity to rehabilitate my image. My image definitely needed some rehabilitation, because the media was continuing to batter me. Their newest thing was turning up purported “items of concern,” like the utterly irrelevant fact that in high school I was voted Most Likely to Kill His Wife .
There was a good side to all the media coverage, however: business at the cat cafe was booming. We’d hired three more baristas and 23 more cats. (Unfortunately these weren’t great cafe cats — they kept shedding on the biscotti.) Also, the cafe was now being sponsored by Fancy Feast. You’d think they might not want to sponsor a business co-owned by an alleged murderer, but I guess when it comes to cat food marketing there are only so many opportunities.
The town square was packed for the vigil, and there were TV vans everywhere. When it was my turn to speak I walked up to the microphone and looked out at the crowd, and I was a bit thrown by seeing Amy’s face everywhere on people’s T-shirts. Most of the shirts said COME BACK AMY and WE MISS YOU , but one of them said I WENT TO SEARCH FOR AMY DUNNE AND ALL I FOUND WAS THIS STUPID T-SHIRT .
I took out my prepared speech (unlike previous speeches, I’d actually written something in advance this time) and began to speak.
“Hi everyone. Thank you so, so much for coming out, I really appreciate it. As you know, my wife Amy is missing. Amy is my partner in every way, and I am incomplete
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