God Hates You, Hate Him Back: Making Sense of The Bible

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Authors: C.J. Werleman
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kinds of hard labor.
     
    Oppressing the Israelites did not have any affect in reducing their numbers, however, and with ruthless tyranny, the Pharaoh ordered that all newborn male Hebrew babies be killed at birth.
     
Enter Moses
     
    This early passage refers to the well-known birth of Moses, to Leviteparents. As a result of the new Pharaoh law that decreed the death of all Israelite newborn males, his mother hid baby Moses in a papyrus basket along the banks of the Nile. The floating baby capsule made its way with the flowing currents of the river, until it reached a group of women bathing and frolicking downstream. The women bathers were shocked to discover a baby inside the papyrus basket and recognized the boy baby to be of Israelite descent. However, as it turned out, one of the women bathers happened to be the sister of the Pharaoh and, having no children of her own, she decided that she would raise the baby as her own and therefore as an Egyptian. She named him Moses, which in Hebrew means to ‘draw out’, because she drew him out of the water. Why an Egyptian would bestow a Hebrew name to her adopted son at a time when Hebrew babies were being murdered makes absolutely no sense.
     
    Moses grew into a young man in line to the throne of Pharaoh, as the Pharaoh’s sister maintained Moses’ Israelite identity a secret to all. But Moses, suffering some sort of identity crisis in his thirties, felt naturally drawn and partial to the Israelites for reasons he could not yet comprehend. Then one day, whilst working in the fields as an Egyptian project manager for the construction of some monuments in the Pharaoh’s honor, he witnessed an Egyptian slave master viciously beat an Israelite slave for falling behind in his daily work quota. Upon seeing that there were no witnesses, Moses murdered the Egyptian master of the whip and hid his in the sand. Concerned that his vengeful defence of a fellow Israelite had become known, he fled Egypt for a town called Midian.
     
    Moses wandered aimlessly throughout the desert, with little or no food or water to preserve his survival. Nearing death, a Midianite shepherd discovered the emaciated Moses and brought him to his family to be rehabilitated. His shepherd savior not only nourished him to health, but also offered his eldest daughter, Zipprorah, up for marriage to Moses. Moses and Zipprorah wasted no time in ‘getting busy’ in their designated tent and shortly thereafter gave birth to a son they named Gershom.
     
    Meanwhile, back in Egypt, the conditions for the Israelite slaves worsened:
     
    “ The Israelites groaned in their slavery and cried out and their cry for help because of their slavery went up to God. God heard their groaning and he remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac and with Jacob. So God looked on the Israelites and was concerned about them.” (Exodus 2:23-25 NIV)
     
Moses and The Burning Bush
     
    In terms of comedic value and degree of rational believability, you can lump the story of Moses and the burning bush right amongst the talking snake in the Garden of Eden; Jonah surviving three days inside the stomach of a whale; and Noah and the Ark. Another fable that is well outside the boundaries of physical reality.
     
    According to Exodus, the story has it that Moses, whilst leaving Midian and in continued exile from Egypt was leading his flock to Horeb, the mountain of God. There, an angel of the Lord appeared to him from within the flames of a burning bush. Upon seeing this remarkable occurrence, Moses says to himself:
     
    “ I will go over and see this strange sight – why the bush does not burn up.” (Exodus 3:2-3 NIV)
     
    God, seeing that Moses had walked curiously towards the bush alight in flames, called Moses from within the bush. “Moses! Moses!” summoned the voice of God. Moses looks around doesn’t see anyone speaking to him. Again the voice called, “Moses, Moses.” “Holy Shit!” Moses presumably said aloud, “The

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