Read Online Girl Walks Into a Bar by Rachel Dratch - Free Book Online Page B

Conversation, I’ve never known Tina to be the kind of gal who’d be into putting some Shawn Colvin on the iPod, pulling out an afghan and two mugs of hot cocoa, patting the couch, and saying, “Hey, girlfriend, c’mon over here and let’s share our feelings. Mmmm. That’s good cocoa.” I imagine we would both sign off on the statement that in dealing with feelings, she and I have different styles: I am a classic Pisces, prone to sensitivity and emotions, and she is German.
    Well, I see a few more hands up. Yes, lady who I was seated next to at my cousin’s wedding?
    “Yeah, what’s up with 30 Rock!? Why aren’t you on 30 Rock anymore?”
    Didn’t I just answer this? Good Lord. Question time is over.
    OK! That’s the whoooole story of that. Back when it was all going down, I just figured something else would come along and Ol’ Two-Time Dratch could chalk this up to the time I lost that one job but then this other one happened a little while later. That didn’t happen. I’d get some jobs—a day here, a few days there (and at this point I’d like to say I am eternally grateful to Adam Sandler for putting me in his movies)—but no major steady gig as I had pictured happening post- SNL . A year passed, then two, then three. All the while, these gnarly parts were mostly all that was coming across the table. Theroad not taken, being a therapist in the burbs of Boston, was starting to sound like a liberating prospect—not one I was actually considering but a nice little fantasy escape hatch. If I were a therapist, I wouldn’t be worried about how my chin looks on camera—or off, for that matter. After all the years of performing, after all the rejections to which I had developed immunity, was I, Rachel, usually a wide-eyed optimist, becoming … bitter?
    I had to face the facts—I’d had the good fortune of working almost fifteen years straight with a steady gig, but now, for whatever reason, my career was at a standstill. I was no longer Rachel the successful television actor, Rachel the cast member of SNL , Rachel the nationally beloved comic treasure. (Was I ever that? Let’s just go with it.) No, I was none of those things. I was just me, and how did I feel about being pared down like that? I had to see all the other facets of myself and not hold my identity in acting or comedy. So to fill the day, I began doing all the stuff I’d always wanted to do but never had the time. I took Spanish class. No puedo hablar pero puedo entendere mejor . I dog-sat. I did yoga. And then there was The Biggie: After spending years hanging out with cute, flirtatious, comedy non-boyfriends, I was going to find Love. So for starters, I took on the biggest challenge of my life. I tried dating in New York.

Horsemeat

    I hadn’t gone on many real dates : You meet an attractive fellow and hit it off, at which point this debonair man takes control of the situation and says, “Maybe we should continue discussing this … over dinner….” In my world, that happens only on my television set.
    I’ve only been in relationships where you meet the guy through whatever it is you’re doing, in my case comedy, and then later in the relationship, you find out they are an addict (alcohol, pot, sex—but not with you) and then continue the relationship for about another year. Actual formal “dates,” the getting-to-know-you, do-you-like-red-or-white-wine, how-many-brothers-and-sisters-do-you-have dates—I don’t know anything about those. At the time I made the decision to go on the Dating Crusade, it had been a long while since I’d had a boyfriend—three years. And I don’t even know if I could legitimately call him a boyfriend. … He was one of the Three Addicts.
    If I was going to earnestly try to find love in New York, Idecided I would have to get out of my comfort zones. I figured I had three comfort zones that were preventing me from finding love: comedy non-boyfriends, gal pals, and gays. Quick breakdown: Comedy