Cedric’s cologne and made sure not to dip them in the water, so it wouldn’t wash away. I smelled him as I soaked the rest of my body and fantasized, imagining a different ending to our night: one where I had asked him if he wanted to come upstairs. I knew I couldn’t have done that, but I couldn’t help wishing I were that kind of girl. Because if I were, he might be here with me right now and I wouldn’t feel this tremendous loneliness.
I then burst out laughing at the crazy thought of Sonia coming home seeing me mounting Blue Eyes on the couch. I think she is gonna have a heart attack as it is when I tell her about my more platonic ride.
CHAPTER 8
CEDRIC
I pulled into the parking space in back of my brownstone, but couldn’t get out the car. I was paralyzed by thoughts of her, running our entire conversation from the ride over and over in my head. I shut off the car and listened only to the sounds of the city night, shutting my eyes. Church bells in the distance rang to signify the start of a new hour…it was one in the morning
When I opened my eyes, I reached over to pull out the cigarettes from the glove compartment, lit one and took a long drag. I couldn’t give a fuck about the repercussions of smoking right now.
Even though the October weather in Boston was cold, I was sweating from the intense anxiety that had overcome me. I needed that cigarette.
She had no family. She was alone.
Even though she’s a waitress, you’d think she’d come across as unattainable and materialistic, based on her stunning looks. That couldn’t be further from the truth. She’s a person with a passion for helping people and a humble upbringing much like my own. She was so easy to talk to and made my normally frigid soul feel warm inside.
I wanted more.
I don’t even know what that means.
I only know that every emotion I was capable of feeling, belonged to her when I looked into those mammoth eyes. Nothing else mattered in those forty minutes, no one else existed.
No other woman, not even the one I had considered my first love, had ever made me feel like that. It was an instant connection I have never experienced before with anyone at all. But realistically, I knew I couldn’t ever have more with Allison. Because I could never be with someone like her and deceive her. I’ve already deceived her, though, haven’t I, making her believe our meeting in the first place was coincidental?
She had already lost everything. And if she knew the whole story, she wouldn’t want to be with me. But at the same time, I couldn’t just walk away and never see her again. Even if that made the most sense, I felt that it would be physically impossible for me to stay away now that I’ve met her.
I needed more time, even if it meant just being her friend. Friend. There was nothing friendly about the raging hard-on I was trying to fight when I touched her skin.
I wanted her so badly it physically hurt.
I nearly lost it when I could feel her soft breath on my neck as I leaned over her to look for a pen. I wanted to feel her breath all over me.
And that is wrong on so many levels.
I did have a girlfriend after all. Oh, yeah…that minor detail. I remembered that I had lied to Karyn. Karyn didn’t deserve a boyfriend that deceived her either. As superficial as Karyn can be at times, underneath it all she was a decent person who told me she was in love with me even though I never returned the sentiment. I’ve lied to her so many times in the past month since I became obsessed with Allison.
Before this, I had vowed to at least try and be a better person, try to think about settling down, if not for myself, for Mom and Callie. I am thirty-four for fuck’s sake. I had spent most of the past decade drowning my sorrows in the wrong women. It had always been just sex with each and every one of them,
I then burst out laughing at the crazy thought of Sonia coming home seeing me mounting Blue Eyes on the couch. I think she is gonna have a heart attack as it is when I tell her about my more platonic ride.
CHAPTER 8
CEDRIC
I pulled into the parking space in back of my brownstone, but couldn’t get out the car. I was paralyzed by thoughts of her, running our entire conversation from the ride over and over in my head. I shut off the car and listened only to the sounds of the city night, shutting my eyes. Church bells in the distance rang to signify the start of a new hour…it was one in the morning
When I opened my eyes, I reached over to pull out the cigarettes from the glove compartment, lit one and took a long drag. I couldn’t give a fuck about the repercussions of smoking right now.
Even though the October weather in Boston was cold, I was sweating from the intense anxiety that had overcome me. I needed that cigarette.
She had no family. She was alone.
Even though she’s a waitress, you’d think she’d come across as unattainable and materialistic, based on her stunning looks. That couldn’t be further from the truth. She’s a person with a passion for helping people and a humble upbringing much like my own. She was so easy to talk to and made my normally frigid soul feel warm inside.
I wanted more.
I don’t even know what that means.
I only know that every emotion I was capable of feeling, belonged to her when I looked into those mammoth eyes. Nothing else mattered in those forty minutes, no one else existed.
No other woman, not even the one I had considered my first love, had ever made me feel like that. It was an instant connection I have never experienced before with anyone at all. But realistically, I knew I couldn’t ever have more with Allison. Because I could never be with someone like her and deceive her. I’ve already deceived her, though, haven’t I, making her believe our meeting in the first place was coincidental?
She had already lost everything. And if she knew the whole story, she wouldn’t want to be with me. But at the same time, I couldn’t just walk away and never see her again. Even if that made the most sense, I felt that it would be physically impossible for me to stay away now that I’ve met her.
I needed more time, even if it meant just being her friend. Friend. There was nothing friendly about the raging hard-on I was trying to fight when I touched her skin.
I wanted her so badly it physically hurt.
I nearly lost it when I could feel her soft breath on my neck as I leaned over her to look for a pen. I wanted to feel her breath all over me.
And that is wrong on so many levels.
I did have a girlfriend after all. Oh, yeah…that minor detail. I remembered that I had lied to Karyn. Karyn didn’t deserve a boyfriend that deceived her either. As superficial as Karyn can be at times, underneath it all she was a decent person who told me she was in love with me even though I never returned the sentiment. I’ve lied to her so many times in the past month since I became obsessed with Allison.
Before this, I had vowed to at least try and be a better person, try to think about settling down, if not for myself, for Mom and Callie. I am thirty-four for fuck’s sake. I had spent most of the past decade drowning my sorrows in the wrong women. It had always been just sex with each and every one of them,
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