Read Online Free to Fall by Lauren Miller - Free Book Online Page A
Authors: Lauren Miller
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they’d leave him alone, but I knew they still worried. I didn’t know enough about the disorder to understand why.
My finger hovered over the CONFIRM button, my name still in gray next to “Claustrophobia.” What made choosing APD as my research topic so irrational? It had to be, because that’s what the Doubt did, by definition: It hijacked your thoughts, making you doubt what your rational mind knew to be true. Curious, I scrolled down to see where APD appeared on Lux’s recommendation list.
It was at the very bottom.
“Thirty seconds!” Rudd announced. The list was filling up fast.
Choose that one.
I’m not listening to the Doubt, I told myself. I’m protecting myself from it. Knowledge was power, after all. Before I could think twice, I typed my name next to topic number three and tapped CONFIRM .
6
“THE FOOL IS DESTINED TO REPEAT HISTORY. The wise man has the wit to avoid it.”
My history teacher, a wiry white-haired man in his seventies, was giving an overview of our coursework for the semester, but I was only half listening. While everyone else was dutifully scrolling through the syllabus, I was on Panopticon, my mind whirling but not registering any coherent thought. I’d read the entry for APD before, but it had different significance now.
Akratic Paracusia Disorder: from the ancient Greek akrasia “lacking command over oneself” and para + acusia “beyond hearing.” A psychiatric disorder characterized by persistent arational auditory hallucinations expressed as a single voice. The voice, known colloquially as “the Doubt,” is commonly heard by healthy prepubescent children and believed to coincide with the rapid synaptic growth of the frontal cortex that occurs in early adolescence. The postpubescent presence of the voice, however, indicates a predisposition for Akratic Paracusia Disorder, or APD. Diagnosis is based on observed behavior and the patient’s reported experiences.
Although the specific cause of the disorder is unknown, factors that increase the risk of developing the disorder include a family history of APD or extended periods of high stress, emotional changes, or isolation from one’s peers. If caught early, APD can be treated with antipsychotic medication . Without pharmaceutical intervention, the akratic brain quickly degenerates, resulting in self-destructive behavior and, eventually, dementia .
Our teacher stepped into my sightline.
“Any questions?” he asked pointedly, looking directly at me. I gave my head a tiny shake, lowering my tablet onto my lap. He nodded and moved on. I closed out of Panopticon and pulled up my history syllabus, but I still couldn’t concentrate. My vision blurred and all I could see were the words predisposition and degenerate and dementia over and over on the page.
I’d spent so much time worrying about Beck’s mental health. Should I have been nervous about my own? Half an hour after resolving to ignore the Doubt, I’d done exactly what it’d told me to do. That’s not why I did it, I reminded myself. I had perfectly rational reasons for picking APD as my topic. Still, the fact that I was hearing the voice at all had me completely unhinged. My mind was jumpy and frantic, like a frog caught in a jar. Third period passed in a blur of words I didn’t hear. I had to get this under control, fast.
I wasn’t hungry, but I went to lunch anyway, trailing behind a group of girls from my history class who seemed to know one another from summer camp. Someone had opened the dining hall windows, and the noise from inside reverberated off the courtyard walls.
Hershey waved me over when I walked in. She was at the salad bar, heaping lettuce onto a dark metal plate. From the smile on her face, it seemed the morning’s foul mood had lifted.
“I am obsessed with these plates,” she said when I walked up.
I reached for one. It was so cold it made my fingers throb. I turned it over in my hands, wondering what it was made of, and
My finger hovered over the CONFIRM button, my name still in gray next to “Claustrophobia.” What made choosing APD as my research topic so irrational? It had to be, because that’s what the Doubt did, by definition: It hijacked your thoughts, making you doubt what your rational mind knew to be true. Curious, I scrolled down to see where APD appeared on Lux’s recommendation list.
It was at the very bottom.
“Thirty seconds!” Rudd announced. The list was filling up fast.
Choose that one.
I’m not listening to the Doubt, I told myself. I’m protecting myself from it. Knowledge was power, after all. Before I could think twice, I typed my name next to topic number three and tapped CONFIRM .
6
“THE FOOL IS DESTINED TO REPEAT HISTORY. The wise man has the wit to avoid it.”
My history teacher, a wiry white-haired man in his seventies, was giving an overview of our coursework for the semester, but I was only half listening. While everyone else was dutifully scrolling through the syllabus, I was on Panopticon, my mind whirling but not registering any coherent thought. I’d read the entry for APD before, but it had different significance now.
Akratic Paracusia Disorder: from the ancient Greek akrasia “lacking command over oneself” and para + acusia “beyond hearing.” A psychiatric disorder characterized by persistent arational auditory hallucinations expressed as a single voice. The voice, known colloquially as “the Doubt,” is commonly heard by healthy prepubescent children and believed to coincide with the rapid synaptic growth of the frontal cortex that occurs in early adolescence. The postpubescent presence of the voice, however, indicates a predisposition for Akratic Paracusia Disorder, or APD. Diagnosis is based on observed behavior and the patient’s reported experiences.
Although the specific cause of the disorder is unknown, factors that increase the risk of developing the disorder include a family history of APD or extended periods of high stress, emotional changes, or isolation from one’s peers. If caught early, APD can be treated with antipsychotic medication . Without pharmaceutical intervention, the akratic brain quickly degenerates, resulting in self-destructive behavior and, eventually, dementia .
Our teacher stepped into my sightline.
“Any questions?” he asked pointedly, looking directly at me. I gave my head a tiny shake, lowering my tablet onto my lap. He nodded and moved on. I closed out of Panopticon and pulled up my history syllabus, but I still couldn’t concentrate. My vision blurred and all I could see were the words predisposition and degenerate and dementia over and over on the page.
I’d spent so much time worrying about Beck’s mental health. Should I have been nervous about my own? Half an hour after resolving to ignore the Doubt, I’d done exactly what it’d told me to do. That’s not why I did it, I reminded myself. I had perfectly rational reasons for picking APD as my topic. Still, the fact that I was hearing the voice at all had me completely unhinged. My mind was jumpy and frantic, like a frog caught in a jar. Third period passed in a blur of words I didn’t hear. I had to get this under control, fast.
I wasn’t hungry, but I went to lunch anyway, trailing behind a group of girls from my history class who seemed to know one another from summer camp. Someone had opened the dining hall windows, and the noise from inside reverberated off the courtyard walls.
Hershey waved me over when I walked in. She was at the salad bar, heaping lettuce onto a dark metal plate. From the smile on her face, it seemed the morning’s foul mood had lifted.
“I am obsessed with these plates,” she said when I walked up.
I reached for one. It was so cold it made my fingers throb. I turned it over in my hands, wondering what it was made of, and
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