hand.
At noon the sky turned white with heat, and Rae saw her first real mirage. There was a line of coyotes along a ridgetop, but when she blinked they disappeared. There was nothing in the distance but pink sand and low violet clouds, and of course it wasnât the right time of day for coyotes anyway. They waited for the temperature to fall before they came down from the mountains. Then they walked in single file, circling deserted adobe houses, making a noise in the back of their throats that made you think they were dying of loneliness.
When Rae got off the bus the air was so dry that it stung. She found a phone booth and called every motel listed; the film crew was registered at the Holiday Inn on Route 17, but the desk clerk told her that everyone had gone out on location. Rae took a cab to the Holiday Inn. Sheâd hoped to get into Jessupâs room so she could take a shower and order room service before he got back, but the desk clerk refused to give her the key. After all, what rights did she haveâthey werenât even married.
By the time she had ordered a grilled cheese sandwich in the coffee shop, Rae was furious. It seemed as if Jessup had purposely not married her just so that one day sheâd be kept out of his room at the Holiday Inn. She had wanted to get married all along, but Jessup felt it was a meaningless act. What difference did a piece of paper makeâhe pointed out his own father, who hadnât bothered with a divorce from Jessupâs mother before disappearing, and then clinched his argument by bringing up Raeâs parents, whom he called the most miserable couple on earth.
âWeâd be different,â Rae had promised. Carolyn had been married in a blue suit, as if she had already given up hope. Rae planned to wear a long white dress.
âWe already are different,â Jessup had said. âWeâre not married.â
After thinking about it, Rae had panickedâif Jessup died she couldnât even legally arrange for his funeral. Dressed in black, sheâd have to stand on a runway at Los Angeles Airport and watch as his body was shipped back to his mother in Boston.
âDonât worry about it,â Jessup had told her. âIf youâre really concerned Iâll send my mother a postcard and tell her you get to keep the Oldsmobile and my body.â
Rae left the coffee shop and went to sit by the pool. Had she been allowed up to his room, she would have shown him. By now she would have ordered baskets of fruit and chilled champagne. Instead, she found some change at the bottom of her purse and got a soda from the vending machine. The heat rose higher and higher and no one dared to venture out of the air-conditioned rooms, but there she was, on a plastic chaise longue beside the poolâall because he had never bothered to marry her. The fact that he was out on location was what really upset her, because there was absolutely nothing worse than taking a long bus trip and having it end with no one there to meet you.
The last time Rae had taken such a trip, she was eight years old. She and Carolyn were going out to a rented summer house in Wellfleet; they had left a few days early so that everything could be in order by the time Raeâs father drove down for the weekend. The trip had been a disasterâCarolyn got sick and the bus driver had to pull off onto the shoulder of Route 3. As the other passengers watched, Carolyn stood on the asphalt and tried to breathe.
âItâs nothing serious,â she told Rae when she returned, but Rae noticed that her mother was gripping the upholstered seat in front of them, and that her fingers were swollen and white.
By the time they got to Wellfleet, Rae felt sick, too. Carolyn had misplaced the key and they had to climb into the house through an unlatched window. Rae stood in the middle of the dark living room as her mother stumbled over to the wall to find the light switch. She could
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