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Authors: Cookie Moretti
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wedding had I ever pretended that he was his older brother. That should have been my warning bells.
"Yes, in the beginning our relationship started out like that," I told John. "But it's not like that now."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying that I care about Cedric and I want to be with him."
There could have never been more truer words. Admitting that out loud seemed to take a heavy weight off my shoulder. I felt lighter, more free. Already, I couldn't wait to see Cedric again, that's how dear he's become to me. I didn't want to be away from him for too long. I wonder if he felt the same way.
"That's nuts." John grabbed my shoulders firmly. "Kai, he's 17!"
"So what?" I lifted my chin up stubbornly. "He likes me." I didn’t want to tell John that Cedric had actually told me that he loved me. I didn’t want to taint that sweet memory.
John snorted and released me. "He's 17, he doesn't know what he likes." John paused. "Having a relationship with him is risky. He could always change his mind and leave you."
I crossed my arms and regarded him coolly at his hypocrisy. "Oh yeah? Like you did?"
"I made a mistake!" I had to give it to him. He looked tortured, as if he was hurting. And maybe he was but at this point, I no longer cared. Yes, there's still an ache in my heart where John had been, but now Cedric was filling up that void, making me feel happier than I've ever been. Even with John.
"Kaito," John said, voice pleading. "Don't do this."
"Remember three months ago?" I asked, throat burning as my eyes stung with tears I was determined for him not to see shed. "Remember when you left me? You said that we were just never meant to be. Remember that, John? Well...I think you were right."
"Oh god," John choked, running a hand through his hair in frustration. "Why do you have to hold these things against me? People make mistakes! Mine was leaving you and since I've left I realized what a stupid ass I've been to you. I realize that now, Kai. I can change."
"Maybe you can," I said, "but not for me. You can't even leave Julia."
"Kai-"
I held up a hand and cut him off. "John. We would have never worked out. I realize that now. I had been clinging onto something that has been crumbling the minute we started having a relationship. I wanted to desperately hold on to you...but I know I was wrong for it. We don't fit."
"Yes we do!" John shouted. "We just have to work our issues out-"
"Enough, John." I shook my head. "It's over now."
John stared at me then bowed his head and rubbed his eyes. He turned his back to me and again silence descended between us. I stared at his back, memories of our childhood haunting me. With all his faults, John had been there for me when it mattered. When we were both just teens, before he got too obsessed with his art, he had always been there, picking up the pieces.
"John." I stepped closer to his him. "John...I still love you, but not like before."
He didn't reply.
"I want you to know that I'm grateful to you. The things we've been through since we met I-I don't regret them. They taught me to be strong. You taught me to be strong."
Since he wouldn't turn around to face me, I closed the distance between us and wrapped my arms around his waist. I felt him stiffen but he didn't push me away. I closed my eyes and pressed my cheek against his warm back.
"John, I'm sorry and...thank you." I felt him take hold of my hands but still didn't say anything so I continued. "When we were younger, I don't know what I would have done without you. You were my rock. I was hurting and when you showed up, you took my pain away. Having to live with people like my parents...my step-father...you made things easier."
"Does Cedric know about that?" John asked, finally speaking up.
I opened my eyes and shook my head. "No."
"Will you tell him?"
"I don't know."
John sighed. "I do love you, Kai."
I smiled. "I know." But he didn't love me enough. And truthfully, maybe I never loved him enough either. When I
"Yes, in the beginning our relationship started out like that," I told John. "But it's not like that now."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying that I care about Cedric and I want to be with him."
There could have never been more truer words. Admitting that out loud seemed to take a heavy weight off my shoulder. I felt lighter, more free. Already, I couldn't wait to see Cedric again, that's how dear he's become to me. I didn't want to be away from him for too long. I wonder if he felt the same way.
"That's nuts." John grabbed my shoulders firmly. "Kai, he's 17!"
"So what?" I lifted my chin up stubbornly. "He likes me." I didn’t want to tell John that Cedric had actually told me that he loved me. I didn’t want to taint that sweet memory.
John snorted and released me. "He's 17, he doesn't know what he likes." John paused. "Having a relationship with him is risky. He could always change his mind and leave you."
I crossed my arms and regarded him coolly at his hypocrisy. "Oh yeah? Like you did?"
"I made a mistake!" I had to give it to him. He looked tortured, as if he was hurting. And maybe he was but at this point, I no longer cared. Yes, there's still an ache in my heart where John had been, but now Cedric was filling up that void, making me feel happier than I've ever been. Even with John.
"Kaito," John said, voice pleading. "Don't do this."
"Remember three months ago?" I asked, throat burning as my eyes stung with tears I was determined for him not to see shed. "Remember when you left me? You said that we were just never meant to be. Remember that, John? Well...I think you were right."
"Oh god," John choked, running a hand through his hair in frustration. "Why do you have to hold these things against me? People make mistakes! Mine was leaving you and since I've left I realized what a stupid ass I've been to you. I realize that now, Kai. I can change."
"Maybe you can," I said, "but not for me. You can't even leave Julia."
"Kai-"
I held up a hand and cut him off. "John. We would have never worked out. I realize that now. I had been clinging onto something that has been crumbling the minute we started having a relationship. I wanted to desperately hold on to you...but I know I was wrong for it. We don't fit."
"Yes we do!" John shouted. "We just have to work our issues out-"
"Enough, John." I shook my head. "It's over now."
John stared at me then bowed his head and rubbed his eyes. He turned his back to me and again silence descended between us. I stared at his back, memories of our childhood haunting me. With all his faults, John had been there for me when it mattered. When we were both just teens, before he got too obsessed with his art, he had always been there, picking up the pieces.
"John." I stepped closer to his him. "John...I still love you, but not like before."
He didn't reply.
"I want you to know that I'm grateful to you. The things we've been through since we met I-I don't regret them. They taught me to be strong. You taught me to be strong."
Since he wouldn't turn around to face me, I closed the distance between us and wrapped my arms around his waist. I felt him stiffen but he didn't push me away. I closed my eyes and pressed my cheek against his warm back.
"John, I'm sorry and...thank you." I felt him take hold of my hands but still didn't say anything so I continued. "When we were younger, I don't know what I would have done without you. You were my rock. I was hurting and when you showed up, you took my pain away. Having to live with people like my parents...my step-father...you made things easier."
"Does Cedric know about that?" John asked, finally speaking up.
I opened my eyes and shook my head. "No."
"Will you tell him?"
"I don't know."
John sighed. "I do love you, Kai."
I smiled. "I know." But he didn't love me enough. And truthfully, maybe I never loved him enough either. When I
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