on Ffiona, and the Flying-Through-The-Air-Incredibly-Fast-Is-Brilliant-And-I-Love-It-More-Than-Anything spell too.
The two girls waited until they could get the front seat in the first car. Normally the roller-coaster went round the track once, which took about fiveand a half minutes. With a snap of the fingers from Betty, this time it went round a lot quicker. Instead of slowing down as it reached the end, it kept speeding up until it was going so fast it kept leaving the track. By the time it came round for the third time it was travelling at over two hundred kilometres an hour and still accelerating. Apart from Betty and Ffiona, all the passengers were screaming at the tops of their voices. By the time it went round for the fifth lap all the people on the ground below were screaming too and running for the exits.
In one last brilliant circuit it left the track completely and soared up into the sky. It looped the loop over seven clouds, stood on its end, waited a second and then came screaming back towards the fairground so fast that it broke the sound barrier.
It shot round the track once more and then came to a nice slow stop at the finishing line.
Mordonna hadnât thought to do the I-Will-Not-Puke-Ever-At-All-Spell on Mrs Hulbert, which was a pity, because when she had seen herdaughter vanishing into the clouds as the roller-coaster went higher and higher, she went extremely white and threw up into her handbag.
âWow, that was totally brilliant,â said Ffiona as she and Betty staggered around trying to get their balance back.
âYeah,â said Betty. âNow letâs go and trash some boys on the dodgems before the circus starts.â
Even Ffiona could have trashed the boys, because when boys get into small cars they usually become very stupid. 40 So it wasnât really necessary for Betty to make massively thick sticky cobwebs full of horrible, biting, but not fatal, spiders fall down on each dodgem car until all seventeen cars with spotty young macho idiot boys driving them were completely jammed together like fish in a net.
âHave you ever set fire to a cobweb?â said Betty as she pulled up alongside the tangled mess.
âNo,â said Ffiona. âWhat happens?â
âThis,â said Betty and struck a match.
Of course she didnât really set the cobwebs on fire. She just held the flame close enough to make every single boy wet himself.
âCome on,â she said to Ffiona, âthe circus is about to start.â
The circus was one of those old-fashioned ones where wild animals are forced to do demeaning tricks, such as opening their mouths while their trainers put their heads in them or walking around on their hind legs dressed in human clothes.
Naturally, wizard circuses do not do this sort of thing. Wizard circuses have wizards doing incredible things, which the audience can do because they are all wizards too, but which everyone still enjoys seeing. Wizard clowns donât have red noses, big shoes and funny clothes. They all dress up like bank managers and lend each other money or else stick each other into filing cabinets. Wizard circuses do have some performing animals, but they fall into one of two categories. The first category is sheep and chickens, who are too stupid to realise they are being exploited, but are clever enough to realise that performing in a circus is probably better than getting roasted in an oven and covered in gravy. The other category is performing humans, who are also too stupid to realise they are being exploited, which iswhy TV shows like Big Brother and Idol are so successful. 41
The circus at the Port Folio funfair was not a wizard circus. It was the worst sort, full of depressed animals, and the Floods decided they would have to do something about it.
âAre you going to get the lion to close its mouth when the trainer puts his head inside it?â said Ffiona, when Betty told her their plans.
âNo,
The two girls waited until they could get the front seat in the first car. Normally the roller-coaster went round the track once, which took about fiveand a half minutes. With a snap of the fingers from Betty, this time it went round a lot quicker. Instead of slowing down as it reached the end, it kept speeding up until it was going so fast it kept leaving the track. By the time it came round for the third time it was travelling at over two hundred kilometres an hour and still accelerating. Apart from Betty and Ffiona, all the passengers were screaming at the tops of their voices. By the time it went round for the fifth lap all the people on the ground below were screaming too and running for the exits.
In one last brilliant circuit it left the track completely and soared up into the sky. It looped the loop over seven clouds, stood on its end, waited a second and then came screaming back towards the fairground so fast that it broke the sound barrier.
It shot round the track once more and then came to a nice slow stop at the finishing line.
Mordonna hadnât thought to do the I-Will-Not-Puke-Ever-At-All-Spell on Mrs Hulbert, which was a pity, because when she had seen herdaughter vanishing into the clouds as the roller-coaster went higher and higher, she went extremely white and threw up into her handbag.
âWow, that was totally brilliant,â said Ffiona as she and Betty staggered around trying to get their balance back.
âYeah,â said Betty. âNow letâs go and trash some boys on the dodgems before the circus starts.â
Even Ffiona could have trashed the boys, because when boys get into small cars they usually become very stupid. 40 So it wasnât really necessary for Betty to make massively thick sticky cobwebs full of horrible, biting, but not fatal, spiders fall down on each dodgem car until all seventeen cars with spotty young macho idiot boys driving them were completely jammed together like fish in a net.
âHave you ever set fire to a cobweb?â said Betty as she pulled up alongside the tangled mess.
âNo,â said Ffiona. âWhat happens?â
âThis,â said Betty and struck a match.
Of course she didnât really set the cobwebs on fire. She just held the flame close enough to make every single boy wet himself.
âCome on,â she said to Ffiona, âthe circus is about to start.â
The circus was one of those old-fashioned ones where wild animals are forced to do demeaning tricks, such as opening their mouths while their trainers put their heads in them or walking around on their hind legs dressed in human clothes.
Naturally, wizard circuses do not do this sort of thing. Wizard circuses have wizards doing incredible things, which the audience can do because they are all wizards too, but which everyone still enjoys seeing. Wizard clowns donât have red noses, big shoes and funny clothes. They all dress up like bank managers and lend each other money or else stick each other into filing cabinets. Wizard circuses do have some performing animals, but they fall into one of two categories. The first category is sheep and chickens, who are too stupid to realise they are being exploited, but are clever enough to realise that performing in a circus is probably better than getting roasted in an oven and covered in gravy. The other category is performing humans, who are also too stupid to realise they are being exploited, which iswhy TV shows like Big Brother and Idol are so successful. 41
The circus at the Port Folio funfair was not a wizard circus. It was the worst sort, full of depressed animals, and the Floods decided they would have to do something about it.
âAre you going to get the lion to close its mouth when the trainer puts his head inside it?â said Ffiona, when Betty told her their plans.
âNo,
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