canât open the door.â
Uncle Trimble went to investigate and came back a few minutes later to tell everyone that the door was not so much locked as made of iron and welded shut, and there were bars over all of the windows and the fireplace so they couldnât climb out of the chimney.
Outside, young Spudly sat on the doorstep and started to cry.
âI want my mummy,â he wailed and no amount of words from inside would comfort him.
âMy granny said it would end in tears,â Spudly cried.
âAll grannies say that,â said Maldegard. âIt doesnât mean anything.â
âSHUT UP,â said a loud voice that appeared to come from nowhere and everywhere at the sametime, though not necessarily in that order.
âWhat, who, where, what?â said everyone apart from the owner of the voice that had said shut up .
âSORRY,â said the voice. âDidnât mean to shout. Never actually spoken while I was in this shape before, must be something to do with the chimney acting like a megaphone.â
There was a pause, a shout, an apology, a whisper which no one could hear and finally â
âIs this better?â the voice whispered.
âYes,â said Maldegard. âWho are you and where are you?â
âOh, Iâm just Graham,â said the Grime Reaper. âAnd I am like love. I am all around. Except Iâm not like love at all, really, because I could kill you if I wanted to and I am going to hold you hostage and maybe even cut bits of you off and post them to your relatives.â
âHostage? Hostage? What for?â said Maldegard.
The Grime Reaper explained. First he had to tell them about Howler because neither woman had ever heard of her. This wasnât surprising. Mordonnadidnât advertise the fact she had a sister who barely qualified as a member of the human race. 34 Part of her thought that if people realised she had a sister who was so ugly even warthogs fled in fear, it would sort of take away from her own beauty. Those who did know about Howler thought it was rather selfish of Mordonna to have all the beauty when her poor sister had none.
âEven if she gave poor Howler a quarter of her wonderfulness, she would still have enough left to be staggeringly beautiful,â people said, not realising that even if Howler did look more presentable, her breath alone would still make stainless steel rusty flowers wither to dust and beautiful skylarks fall dead out of the sky.
âShe is the love of my life,â the Grime Reaper explained, âand the mother of our seven children,though I believe she has eaten most of them, or maybe even all of them by now. She is unjustly imprisoned and until she is freed you will remain my prisoners.â
When Maldegard asked him why Howler was locked up, he said she was being persecuted for her religious beliefs. Maldegard and Edna found that hard to believe and said so.
âI wouldnât have thought that Nerlin or Mordonna would imprison someone for their faith,â they said.
âWell, it just goes to show you can never believe anyone,â said the Grime Reaper, overlooking the fact that his wifeâs âbeliefsâ involved eating small children. âOh, and by the way, I can hear you even when you whisper really quietly.â
âNo one knows where we are,â said Maldegard. âOur mobiles donât work down here so no one can contact us.â
âThatâs all right,â said the Grime Reaper. âIâll send the snivelling little goblin up with a ransom note.â
Invisible hands picked Spudly up and pushedhim through the letterbox into the cottage where he ran into the arms of his auntie.
âI was terrible frighted,â he cried.
âItâs all right,â said Auntie Tremble. âWe all am.â
âNever mind all that, snotweed,â the Grime Reaper said as a letter appeared out of thin air and landed on the
Uncle Trimble went to investigate and came back a few minutes later to tell everyone that the door was not so much locked as made of iron and welded shut, and there were bars over all of the windows and the fireplace so they couldnât climb out of the chimney.
Outside, young Spudly sat on the doorstep and started to cry.
âI want my mummy,â he wailed and no amount of words from inside would comfort him.
âMy granny said it would end in tears,â Spudly cried.
âAll grannies say that,â said Maldegard. âIt doesnât mean anything.â
âSHUT UP,â said a loud voice that appeared to come from nowhere and everywhere at the sametime, though not necessarily in that order.
âWhat, who, where, what?â said everyone apart from the owner of the voice that had said shut up .
âSORRY,â said the voice. âDidnât mean to shout. Never actually spoken while I was in this shape before, must be something to do with the chimney acting like a megaphone.â
There was a pause, a shout, an apology, a whisper which no one could hear and finally â
âIs this better?â the voice whispered.
âYes,â said Maldegard. âWho are you and where are you?â
âOh, Iâm just Graham,â said the Grime Reaper. âAnd I am like love. I am all around. Except Iâm not like love at all, really, because I could kill you if I wanted to and I am going to hold you hostage and maybe even cut bits of you off and post them to your relatives.â
âHostage? Hostage? What for?â said Maldegard.
The Grime Reaper explained. First he had to tell them about Howler because neither woman had ever heard of her. This wasnât surprising. Mordonnadidnât advertise the fact she had a sister who barely qualified as a member of the human race. 34 Part of her thought that if people realised she had a sister who was so ugly even warthogs fled in fear, it would sort of take away from her own beauty. Those who did know about Howler thought it was rather selfish of Mordonna to have all the beauty when her poor sister had none.
âEven if she gave poor Howler a quarter of her wonderfulness, she would still have enough left to be staggeringly beautiful,â people said, not realising that even if Howler did look more presentable, her breath alone would still make stainless steel rusty flowers wither to dust and beautiful skylarks fall dead out of the sky.
âShe is the love of my life,â the Grime Reaper explained, âand the mother of our seven children,though I believe she has eaten most of them, or maybe even all of them by now. She is unjustly imprisoned and until she is freed you will remain my prisoners.â
When Maldegard asked him why Howler was locked up, he said she was being persecuted for her religious beliefs. Maldegard and Edna found that hard to believe and said so.
âI wouldnât have thought that Nerlin or Mordonna would imprison someone for their faith,â they said.
âWell, it just goes to show you can never believe anyone,â said the Grime Reaper, overlooking the fact that his wifeâs âbeliefsâ involved eating small children. âOh, and by the way, I can hear you even when you whisper really quietly.â
âNo one knows where we are,â said Maldegard. âOur mobiles donât work down here so no one can contact us.â
âThatâs all right,â said the Grime Reaper. âIâll send the snivelling little goblin up with a ransom note.â
Invisible hands picked Spudly up and pushedhim through the letterbox into the cottage where he ran into the arms of his auntie.
âI was terrible frighted,â he cried.
âItâs all right,â said Auntie Tremble. âWe all am.â
âNever mind all that, snotweed,â the Grime Reaper said as a letter appeared out of thin air and landed on the
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