Read Online Five Things I Can't Live Without by Holly Shumas - Free Book Online Page B

self-possessed friend. That’s actually how we thought of her. She was also our successful corporate friend, our new mother friend, and our able-to-do-math-and-her-own-taxes friend. Even if we occasionally got frustrated with her pragmatism, we could never end our friendship with her because she occupied so many important niches.

    “Have you seen her recently?” I asked.

    “Last week. She’s doing great.”

    “Of course she is,” I said. Sonya was always doing great. She needed Larissa and me to balance out her charmed life. I didn’t want Sonya’s life; I just wanted her certainty about it. Larissa, on the other hand, pretty much wanted Sonya’s actual life.

    “So that’s it.” Larissa taped up the top of her box and stood up. “You’re pretty much packed.”

    “I know.” I gave a nervous smile. “This could be bad, you know? This could be a hideous mistake.”

    “Dan’s great.”

    “I know
he’s
great. You do realize that if something goes wrong with this, it’s going to be my fault.”

    “That’s just garden-variety self-doubt.”

    “It’s happening so fast. I mean, don’t you think it’s entirely too soon for us to live together?”

    She walked over, put her arm around me, and gave me a squeeze. “When’s Dan getting here?”

    “I’m going to call him when I’m ready.”

    “Are you ready?”

    Just once, I wanted to answer yes and mean it. But this wouldn’t be that time.

    Later that day, I was unpacking, alone, in Dan’s bedroom—our bedroom, now—but I didn’t feel like I was really alone. The wraiths of my past relationships were right there with me: the six-weekers that had never grown into anything; the three-monthers that seemed to hold so much promise; the four that had each lasted a year, two where we lived together; relationships that had exploded; relationships that had imploded. This time around, I didn’t want to stay too long, or leave too early.

    That’s when it hit me. This whole move was motivated by fear. I’d thought it was money, which wasn’t good, either, but the truth was worse. I’d rushed into this because I wanted to know whether Dan and I were going to last, and the quickest way to find out was to live together. That’s the perverse logic of fear: if it’s going to blow up, might as well blow it up fast.

    “You’re so quiet,” Dan said from the doorway.

    I looked up, startled. I should have been finished with this room an hour ago. It was like unpacking while suspended in maple syrup.

    “There’s a lot to get done,” I said.

    “There’s time.”

    I sat down on the bed, facing away from him. “I’m thinking that maybe this was a mistake.”

    Long pause, then Dan came and sat beside me. “Why do you think that?” he asked evenly.

    “Just knowing me.” I was suddenly on the verge of tears.

    “I know you,” he said, “and I’m glad you’re here.”

    “I’m crying. It’s the first day we’re living together and I’m crying. Doesn’t that freak you out?”

    He shook his head.

    “Is this going to work?” I asked urgently.

    His eyes were trained on mine. “If we want it to.”

    “You’re right,” I said finally. I stood up. “We should get some dinner.”

    “My treat,” he said, smiling.

    Two days later, at 4:57 pm, I sat staring at my computer screen in the animal rescue, terribly conscious that in three minutes, it would no longer be my computer screen. There it was, the draft of my ad. Once I clicked on the “post” icon, it would be out there.
I
would be out there, an Internet profile consultant, open for business. All I had to do was click on the “post” icon.

    My finger trembled on the mouse.
Just click. All you have to do is click.

    But I couldn’t. I was leaving the only job I’d ever really done well. I was leaving the best coworkers I’d ever had, and the kindest boss. I was leaving the only job I’d ever held down for more than a year. Though ironically, I couldn’t even say