Read Online Fingersmith by Sarah Waters - Free Book Online

the words were a chuckle or a cry I could not stop—I said:
    'What if I ain't up to it, Mrs Sucksby? What if I can't do it? Suppose I lose my nerve and let you down? Hadn't we ought to send Dainty, after all?'
    She shook her head and smiled. 'Now, then,' she said. She led me to the bed, and we sat and she drew down my head until it rested in her lap, and she put back the curtain from my cheek and stroked my hair. 'Now, then.'
    'Ain't it a long way to go?' I said, looking up at her face.
    'Not so far,' she answered.
    'Shall you think of me, while I am there?'
    She drew free a strand of hair that was caught about my ear.
    'Every minute,' she said, quietly. 'Ain't you my own girl? And won't I worry? But you shall have Gentleman by you. I should never have let you go, for any ordinary villain.'
    That was true, at least. But still my heart beat fast. I thought again of Maud Lilly, sitting sighing in her room, waiting for me to come and unlace her stays and hold her nightgown before the fire. Poor lady , Dainty had said.
    I chewed at the inside of my lip. Then: 'Ought I to do it, though, Mrs Sucksby?' I said. 'Ain't it a very mean trick, and shabby?'
    She held my gaze, then raised her eyes and nodded to the view beyond the window. She said, 'I know she would have done it, and not given it a thought. And I know what she would feel in her heart—what dread, but also what pride, and the pride part winning—to see you doing it now.'
    That made me thoughtful. For a minute, we sat and said nothing. And what I asked her next was something I had never asked before—something which, in all my years at Lant Street, amongst all those dodgers and thieves, I had never heard anyone ask, not ever. I said, in a whisper,
    'Do you think it hurts, Mrs Sucksby, when they drop you?'
    Her hand, that was smoothing my hair, grew still. Then it started up stroking, sure as before. She said,
    'I should say you don't feel nothing but the rope about your neck. Rather ticklish, I should think it.'
    'Ticklish?'
    'Say then, pricklish.'
    Still her hand kept smoothing.
    'But when the drop is opened?' I said. 'Wouldn't you say you felt it then?'
    She shifted her leg. 'Perhaps a twitch,' she admitted, 'when the drop is opened.'
    I thought of the men I had seen fall at Horsemonger Lane. They twitched, all right. They twitched and kicked about, like monkeys on sticks.
    'But it comes that quick at the last,' she went on then, 'that I rather think the quickness must take the pain clean out of it. And when it comes to dropping a lady—well, you know they place the knot in such a way, Sue, that the end comes all the quicker?'
    I looked up at her again. She had set her candle on the floor, and the light striking her face all from beneath, it made her cheeks seem swollen and her eyes seem old. I shivered, and she moved her hand to my shoulder and rubbed me, hard, through the velvet.
    Then she tilted her head. 'There's Mr Ibbs's sister, quite bewildered again,' she said, 'and calling on her mother. She has been calling on her, poor soul, these fifteen years. I shouldn't like to come to that, Sue. I should say that, of all the ways a body might go, the quick and the neat way might, after all, be best.'
    She said it; and then she winked.
    She said it, and seemed to mean it.
    I do sometimes wonder, however, whether she mightn't only have said it to be kind.
    But I didn't think that then. I only rose and kissed her, and made my hair neat where she had stroked it loose; and then came the thud of the kitchen door again, and this time heavier feet upon the stairs, and then Dainty's voice.
    'Where are you, Sue? Ain't you coming for a dance? Mr Ibbs has got his wind up, we're having a right old laugh down here.'
    Her shout woke half the babies, and that half woke the other. But Mrs Sucksby said that she would see to them, and I went back down, and this time I did dance, with Gentleman as my partner. He held me in a waltz-step. He was drunk and held me tight. John danced again