Read Online Finding Purgatory by Kristina M Sanchez - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Kristina M Sanchez
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part of the journey, couldn’t promise to be some other child’s mother as long as she lived. She couldn’t do this. She couldn’t.
“I can’t do this.”
Ani snapped back into the present, the grip around her lungs easing as she was distracted by Tori’s sharp cry.
They were in the ultrasound room and the strong, quick sound of the baby’s heartbeat filled the air. The technician pulled the wand away in response to Tori’s obvious stress, but it was too late. Her expression was twisted, and her breath came in too-quick gasps. She shook her head, tangling her fingers in her short hair and tugging. Hard.
“Honey, hush. Hush, it’s okay.” Ani put her arms around her, surprised when her sister leaned against her immediately. She worked her fingers up under her Tori’s, trying to loosen her grip on her hair.
Tori continued to mumble, “I can’t do this,” under her breath over and over and over again as she rocked back and forth.
It was minutes before she raised her head and sniffled, looking the picture of misery. “It’s really alive, isn’t it?” she asked in a broken voice.
Ani’s heart twisted. She remembered how fascinated and awed she’d been, hearing Mara’s precious heartbeat. This was the antithesis of that. Tori was terrified of the thing growing inside her. Ani wiped the tears from her face with tender strokes and told her it was going to be all right.
“It’s going to be fucked-up. I’m fucked-up. It’s going to be just another fuckup like me,” Tori muttered.
Ani caught her sister’s face in her hands. She tilted Tori’s head up and waited until she could look her in the eyes. “You’re stronger than you think.”
Tori’s answering laugh was bitter, but she didn’t argue. “What do you know?” She pushed Ani away. The movement was feeble, an echo of Tori’s usual bravado. She turned her head to the side and wiped at her eyes.
Watching Tori take a deep breath and call out to the technician that she was done having her dramatic moment, Ani knew she’d been right. Tori was so much stronger than she gave herself credit for. Ani was envious of that kind of strength. Right then, she felt weak. Tired.
Clearing his throat, the ultrasound technician pointed at the screen. “That’s the baby.” His words were timid, and he watched Tori out of the corner of his eye to make sure she wasn’t about to freak out again.
Looking at the tiny, alien, kidney-bean shape, Ani felt it was safe to assume she and her sister were thinking the same thing.
Could either of them be enough for this new life?
Chapter 7: New Routines
“I f anyone tries to shove Jesus down my throat, I’m hitching a ride out of there.”
Tori hunkered down in the passenger seat of Ani’s car as they pulled up in front of the church a week after her first doctor’s appointment. She was ticked off, but not for any concrete reason. She hated group, but for the first time in her life, she was in one of her own volition.
“Or you could just call me,” Ani said. “You heard what the doctor said. The group just uses the church because it’s convenient. It’s not run by any priests or parishioners.”
Tori grunted and got out of the car. She heard the window roll down and turned back to see what her sister had to say.
“Eight o’clock?”
This was something Tori had learned about Ani. She was obsessed with being on time. Though she knew damn well the meeting was only an hour long, she still had to verify again. Tori blew out a puff of air. “Yeah, dude. One hour. That’s the deal.”
She started walking.
The setup was pretty much what Tori was used to—a bunch of girls milling around, looking like they would rather be anywhere else, tepid water and crappy cookies, a circle of chairs waiting for the sharing to begin.
Already regretting her decision, Tori sat down and crossed her arms. Still, after she freaked out hearing the heartbeat of the living, life-sucking little monster inside her,
“I can’t do this.”
Ani snapped back into the present, the grip around her lungs easing as she was distracted by Tori’s sharp cry.
They were in the ultrasound room and the strong, quick sound of the baby’s heartbeat filled the air. The technician pulled the wand away in response to Tori’s obvious stress, but it was too late. Her expression was twisted, and her breath came in too-quick gasps. She shook her head, tangling her fingers in her short hair and tugging. Hard.
“Honey, hush. Hush, it’s okay.” Ani put her arms around her, surprised when her sister leaned against her immediately. She worked her fingers up under her Tori’s, trying to loosen her grip on her hair.
Tori continued to mumble, “I can’t do this,” under her breath over and over and over again as she rocked back and forth.
It was minutes before she raised her head and sniffled, looking the picture of misery. “It’s really alive, isn’t it?” she asked in a broken voice.
Ani’s heart twisted. She remembered how fascinated and awed she’d been, hearing Mara’s precious heartbeat. This was the antithesis of that. Tori was terrified of the thing growing inside her. Ani wiped the tears from her face with tender strokes and told her it was going to be all right.
“It’s going to be fucked-up. I’m fucked-up. It’s going to be just another fuckup like me,” Tori muttered.
Ani caught her sister’s face in her hands. She tilted Tori’s head up and waited until she could look her in the eyes. “You’re stronger than you think.”
Tori’s answering laugh was bitter, but she didn’t argue. “What do you know?” She pushed Ani away. The movement was feeble, an echo of Tori’s usual bravado. She turned her head to the side and wiped at her eyes.
Watching Tori take a deep breath and call out to the technician that she was done having her dramatic moment, Ani knew she’d been right. Tori was so much stronger than she gave herself credit for. Ani was envious of that kind of strength. Right then, she felt weak. Tired.
Clearing his throat, the ultrasound technician pointed at the screen. “That’s the baby.” His words were timid, and he watched Tori out of the corner of his eye to make sure she wasn’t about to freak out again.
Looking at the tiny, alien, kidney-bean shape, Ani felt it was safe to assume she and her sister were thinking the same thing.
Could either of them be enough for this new life?
Chapter 7: New Routines
“I f anyone tries to shove Jesus down my throat, I’m hitching a ride out of there.”
Tori hunkered down in the passenger seat of Ani’s car as they pulled up in front of the church a week after her first doctor’s appointment. She was ticked off, but not for any concrete reason. She hated group, but for the first time in her life, she was in one of her own volition.
“Or you could just call me,” Ani said. “You heard what the doctor said. The group just uses the church because it’s convenient. It’s not run by any priests or parishioners.”
Tori grunted and got out of the car. She heard the window roll down and turned back to see what her sister had to say.
“Eight o’clock?”
This was something Tori had learned about Ani. She was obsessed with being on time. Though she knew damn well the meeting was only an hour long, she still had to verify again. Tori blew out a puff of air. “Yeah, dude. One hour. That’s the deal.”
She started walking.
The setup was pretty much what Tori was used to—a bunch of girls milling around, looking like they would rather be anywhere else, tepid water and crappy cookies, a circle of chairs waiting for the sharing to begin.
Already regretting her decision, Tori sat down and crossed her arms. Still, after she freaked out hearing the heartbeat of the living, life-sucking little monster inside her,
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