presses her fingers together. "I know it's stupid. I've been in recovery a long time. And I didn't even usually restrict. But everything with this play is so overwhelming and every time I try to tell you how scared I am, you tell me I can do it."
"Because you can."
"But that doesn't make me feel any less terrified," she says.
"Tell me about it."
"I fight this panic when I get to rehearsals. I want to lock myself in the bathroom. I'm so out of my league and I've never done anything like this. Not on this scale. I can't get on stage. Not in front of two thousand people who are waiting for me to fail."
"It must be miserable to feel like that," I say.
She nods. "I really don't know if I can do this, but how am I supposed to function with all of this doubt drowning me? I can't."
"You can't run away from it."
"I have to. That's the only way I can get through this."
"I know you hate when I try and play therapist."
She nods. "Yeah."
"So what if you started seeing someone again?"
She blinks a tear away, her eyes on the floor. God, I wish I was really there. So I could hold her and kiss her and promise everything would be okay.
"It's not that I don't want to hear it," I say. "I do."
"Okay."
"You can talk to me. About anything. Tell me every ugly thought you have. I'll listen."
She shakes her head. "Not right now. I have to get through this first."
Dammit. We were off to such a great start. "Are you sure?"
"I'm going to go," she says. "I'm really tired."
"Ally..."
"It's not a big deal."
"You just said that you're drowning in doubt."
"But I'm used to it."
A long silence passes. She's sitting there, alone in that little apartment, the New York skyline filling the room with light. And I'm here, in our living room, nothing around me but grass and pavement.
"Do you remember what you said to me after I punched out Ryan?"
Finally she smiles. "That you're a hopeless idiot?"
"Besides that."
She shakes her head. She's still smiling. It's a happy memory, I guess.
"You told me I don't have to handle everything alone. That you want to be there to share the burden with me," I say.
"I do."
"So let me share this burden with you. I want to help you. It would make me so fucking happy to help you."
"I can't, Luke. Not right now. I can't. I'm sorry. But there's too much. I can't afford to fall apart now."
"But I'll be here to help put you back together," I say.
"You won't be here. You'll be in Los Angeles. You have no idea how bad it gets. You have no idea how far I can fall."
"But Ally--"
"I'm sorry, but I have previews and Laurie is visiting Monday. I have to get through this first."
"On one condition."
She groans. "Condition is a fancy way of saying promise."
"Fine. Then you have to make me a promise."
"I could hang up this call right now."
"But you won't."
She frowns. She hates it when I'm right. "Fine. What's the condition?"
"If you feel like you're going to fall, if you feel like you're too overwhelmed, like you want to hurt yourself in any way, you call me. Okay?"
"Fine," she says. She looks away, her expression strong. "But thanks. I appreciate that you're looking out for me."
"I'd do anything for you," I say.
She nods her way through a good-bye. She's so lonely and scared on her own. I have to do more to help her. I have to do more to pull her out of this.
***
When I bought this house, I cursed its proximity to Laurie's place. She's always inviting Alyssa over, asking her to spend the night like the two of them are teenagers.
But right now I'm ecstatic that we're so damn close to Alyssa's best friend.
I get dressed and run the three blocks to Laurie's house. There's a light on in the living room and a low roar that sounds a lot like TV. She's home.
I knock on the door, but Laurie doesn't answer. A man answers. He's tall, good-looking, with classic black glasses. Exactly Laurie's type.
"Excuse me?" he asks.
"I'm a friend of Laurie's."
"I knew you had a booty call," he says. It's jovial. So they
"Because you can."
"But that doesn't make me feel any less terrified," she says.
"Tell me about it."
"I fight this panic when I get to rehearsals. I want to lock myself in the bathroom. I'm so out of my league and I've never done anything like this. Not on this scale. I can't get on stage. Not in front of two thousand people who are waiting for me to fail."
"It must be miserable to feel like that," I say.
She nods. "I really don't know if I can do this, but how am I supposed to function with all of this doubt drowning me? I can't."
"You can't run away from it."
"I have to. That's the only way I can get through this."
"I know you hate when I try and play therapist."
She nods. "Yeah."
"So what if you started seeing someone again?"
She blinks a tear away, her eyes on the floor. God, I wish I was really there. So I could hold her and kiss her and promise everything would be okay.
"It's not that I don't want to hear it," I say. "I do."
"Okay."
"You can talk to me. About anything. Tell me every ugly thought you have. I'll listen."
She shakes her head. "Not right now. I have to get through this first."
Dammit. We were off to such a great start. "Are you sure?"
"I'm going to go," she says. "I'm really tired."
"Ally..."
"It's not a big deal."
"You just said that you're drowning in doubt."
"But I'm used to it."
A long silence passes. She's sitting there, alone in that little apartment, the New York skyline filling the room with light. And I'm here, in our living room, nothing around me but grass and pavement.
"Do you remember what you said to me after I punched out Ryan?"
Finally she smiles. "That you're a hopeless idiot?"
"Besides that."
She shakes her head. She's still smiling. It's a happy memory, I guess.
"You told me I don't have to handle everything alone. That you want to be there to share the burden with me," I say.
"I do."
"So let me share this burden with you. I want to help you. It would make me so fucking happy to help you."
"I can't, Luke. Not right now. I can't. I'm sorry. But there's too much. I can't afford to fall apart now."
"But I'll be here to help put you back together," I say.
"You won't be here. You'll be in Los Angeles. You have no idea how bad it gets. You have no idea how far I can fall."
"But Ally--"
"I'm sorry, but I have previews and Laurie is visiting Monday. I have to get through this first."
"On one condition."
She groans. "Condition is a fancy way of saying promise."
"Fine. Then you have to make me a promise."
"I could hang up this call right now."
"But you won't."
She frowns. She hates it when I'm right. "Fine. What's the condition?"
"If you feel like you're going to fall, if you feel like you're too overwhelmed, like you want to hurt yourself in any way, you call me. Okay?"
"Fine," she says. She looks away, her expression strong. "But thanks. I appreciate that you're looking out for me."
"I'd do anything for you," I say.
She nods her way through a good-bye. She's so lonely and scared on her own. I have to do more to help her. I have to do more to pull her out of this.
***
When I bought this house, I cursed its proximity to Laurie's place. She's always inviting Alyssa over, asking her to spend the night like the two of them are teenagers.
But right now I'm ecstatic that we're so damn close to Alyssa's best friend.
I get dressed and run the three blocks to Laurie's house. There's a light on in the living room and a low roar that sounds a lot like TV. She's home.
I knock on the door, but Laurie doesn't answer. A man answers. He's tall, good-looking, with classic black glasses. Exactly Laurie's type.
"Excuse me?" he asks.
"I'm a friend of Laurie's."
"I knew you had a booty call," he says. It's jovial. So they
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