do.”
“Well, if it’s normal,” he said, “it’s stupid. It’s a bloody waste of time. Pretending it’s true love, that I want some forever that doesn’t exist. Why not just tell the truth? Why not just come to an agreement and move on?”
I’d lifted my fork to take a bit of salmon, but I paused with it halfway to my mouth. “What truth?” No. Don’t say it. Please step back. Please dance. I want to dance with you. Can’t you see?
But he didn’t dance. “This isn’t true love. There’s no forever,” he told me, and my head jerked back as if he’d slapped me. “There’s only now,” he went on, either not noticing my response or not caring. “And taking the pleasure that’s there for both of us for as long as it lasts. I know you’ve never been satisfied by a man. I know because I can see it in you. I know that you don’t date anymore because you haven’t found anyone who could give you what you needed, and that you’re scared of turning over power to a man who can give it to you like you need it. But it’s nothing to be scared of, because I want the same thing you do, and I’m not like those other blokes. I know how to do it, and I’ll treat you right. The way you need to be treated. I can start you off right, and I want to do it.”
My fork was back on my plate, I was sitting stiff and straight, but he ignored it all and went straight on.
“You know and I know,” he said, his eyes burning into me again, “that I should be over there with you right now, putting you in my lap, sliding my hand under that dress. You want me to pretend to be civilized, to ask you about yourself, to tell you about my bloody childhood, when all I want is your dress around your waist and you on your back, and that’s all you want, too. So let’s quit dancing. Let’s forget all this rubbish and do what we need to do.”
This time, I didn’t hesitate. I stood up and went for my coat.
He was up, too. Of course he was. “Hope. You know it’s there between us. You know you want it. Why are you fighting it?”
“No,” I said, and if my voice were shaking, well, wouldn’t any woman’s have been? “No. This isn’t right. All evening, you haven’t been able to do anything but tell me how you want to…how you want to do me. For now. For a little while, until I’m…not new anymore. Not your shiny new toy. If that were all I needed, I could’ve stayed in Brooklyn. Men like you are the reason I’m a virgin. And, yes,” I said when I saw the shock widen his eyes, “you heard me right. I was little and scrawny and homely until I was almost eighteen, and once I wasn’t, I was overwhelmed by my life, the life you’re not the least bit interested in. And I knew exactly why all the guys who hadn’t given me the time of day before were suddenly asking me out. Why they were taking me to the movies and sticking their tongues down my throat and groping me without even knowing if I wanted to kiss them. Because I’m little, and I’m pretty. Now I am. But you know what?”
The hot tears were rising, but I went on despite them. Six years of this. Six years, and it was still the same exact thing. It didn’t matter if the man made twenty thousand dollars a year or twenty million, it was exactly the same. And this time, it mattered. He was the one man I’d really wanted, and everything he’d said was true. But not if that was all I was to him.
“I am not a toy,” I told him. He wouldn’t care, but I was going to tell him anyway. I couldn’t make him listen, but I could make my voice heard. I could stand up and be counted. “I’m not any man’s doll. I’m a person, and you—” I blinked the tears back furiously, because I had to say this. “You’re exactly like all those other guys. You don’t want a person. You don’t want me. You don’t want to know me. You don’t want to share anything with me, not even a little bit of conversation. You can’t even pretend to care, and yet you think
“Well, if it’s normal,” he said, “it’s stupid. It’s a bloody waste of time. Pretending it’s true love, that I want some forever that doesn’t exist. Why not just tell the truth? Why not just come to an agreement and move on?”
I’d lifted my fork to take a bit of salmon, but I paused with it halfway to my mouth. “What truth?” No. Don’t say it. Please step back. Please dance. I want to dance with you. Can’t you see?
But he didn’t dance. “This isn’t true love. There’s no forever,” he told me, and my head jerked back as if he’d slapped me. “There’s only now,” he went on, either not noticing my response or not caring. “And taking the pleasure that’s there for both of us for as long as it lasts. I know you’ve never been satisfied by a man. I know because I can see it in you. I know that you don’t date anymore because you haven’t found anyone who could give you what you needed, and that you’re scared of turning over power to a man who can give it to you like you need it. But it’s nothing to be scared of, because I want the same thing you do, and I’m not like those other blokes. I know how to do it, and I’ll treat you right. The way you need to be treated. I can start you off right, and I want to do it.”
My fork was back on my plate, I was sitting stiff and straight, but he ignored it all and went straight on.
“You know and I know,” he said, his eyes burning into me again, “that I should be over there with you right now, putting you in my lap, sliding my hand under that dress. You want me to pretend to be civilized, to ask you about yourself, to tell you about my bloody childhood, when all I want is your dress around your waist and you on your back, and that’s all you want, too. So let’s quit dancing. Let’s forget all this rubbish and do what we need to do.”
This time, I didn’t hesitate. I stood up and went for my coat.
He was up, too. Of course he was. “Hope. You know it’s there between us. You know you want it. Why are you fighting it?”
“No,” I said, and if my voice were shaking, well, wouldn’t any woman’s have been? “No. This isn’t right. All evening, you haven’t been able to do anything but tell me how you want to…how you want to do me. For now. For a little while, until I’m…not new anymore. Not your shiny new toy. If that were all I needed, I could’ve stayed in Brooklyn. Men like you are the reason I’m a virgin. And, yes,” I said when I saw the shock widen his eyes, “you heard me right. I was little and scrawny and homely until I was almost eighteen, and once I wasn’t, I was overwhelmed by my life, the life you’re not the least bit interested in. And I knew exactly why all the guys who hadn’t given me the time of day before were suddenly asking me out. Why they were taking me to the movies and sticking their tongues down my throat and groping me without even knowing if I wanted to kiss them. Because I’m little, and I’m pretty. Now I am. But you know what?”
The hot tears were rising, but I went on despite them. Six years of this. Six years, and it was still the same exact thing. It didn’t matter if the man made twenty thousand dollars a year or twenty million, it was exactly the same. And this time, it mattered. He was the one man I’d really wanted, and everything he’d said was true. But not if that was all I was to him.
“I am not a toy,” I told him. He wouldn’t care, but I was going to tell him anyway. I couldn’t make him listen, but I could make my voice heard. I could stand up and be counted. “I’m not any man’s doll. I’m a person, and you—” I blinked the tears back furiously, because I had to say this. “You’re exactly like all those other guys. You don’t want a person. You don’t want me. You don’t want to know me. You don’t want to share anything with me, not even a little bit of conversation. You can’t even pretend to care, and yet you think
Similar Books
