Read Online Featherless Bipeds by Richard Scarsbrook - Free Book Online

and the Dung Diggers’, or ‘Lola and the Lickers’, so help me God I’ll kill you all.”
    â€œLola and the what ?” Lola says.
    To prevent violence from breaking out, Tristan jumps in.
    â€œHow about ‘Not the Beatles’? We could have album titles like ‘Not Abbey Road’ and ‘Not The White Album’.”
    â€œWait, wait!” says Jimmy T, his eyes lighting up eerily, “We’re on the right track here . . . a concept name! We need a name that has a cool explanation . . . you know, something we can explain in interviews . . . like . . . like . . . ”
    I can almost smell the grey matter scorching inside Jimmy’s skull.
    â€œ Jimage !” he cheers.
    There is confused silence all around.
    â€œJimmy, what are you talking about?” Lola asks.
    â€œWait, wait, this is good!” says Jimmy, “Listen to this: When a guy named Jim, like me, let’s say, looks in the mirror . . . ”
    â€œThat’s it,” Akim says, “I am going to kill you, you egocentric . . . ”
    â€œWait!” Jimmy says, “Hear me out! When a guy named Jim looks in the mirror, what does he see? Does he see his image ? No! He sees his Jimage ! Get it?”
    We were all too stunned to speak.
    â€œWhat?” he says, palms up in the air. “Is it too conceptual ?”
    â€œYeah,” says Tristan, as seriously as he can, “it’s too conceptual. People might not get it, you know?”
    â€œYeah,” Jimmy agrees, nodding, “maybe it’s a little too intellectual for a rock band name.”
    Akim tries to catch my eye, but I can’t look at him. I don’t want to risk having my stomach wound re-opened by laughing. Or by Lola, either, who has already thrown me from a building on one occasion, and who might take offense at us mocking her new boyfriend.
    â€œUm . . . what about ‘Loose Fish’?” I offer.
    â€œFish who like screwing?” Jimmy T smirks.
    â€œIt’s a term from early Canadian history. Guys in the legislature who were independent and didn’t belong to a political party were called ‘Loose Fish’ by the other members, because they seemed to flap back and forth from the Left to the Right. Or something like that.”
    â€œThanks, Einstein,” Jimmy T says, “I didn’t think it was a bad name until you gave the lecture. Now I hate it! I started playing rock ‘n’ roll so I wouldn’t have to know anything about history.”
    â€œLast call, kids!” Suzy yells from behind the bar.
    â€œAnother round, Suze!” Akim hollers back, “we’re not leaving here until we’ve got ourselves a name!”
    â€œBetter make it quick!” she calls back.
    There is silence around the table. We all stare into the smoky air of the barroom. Then an idea pops into my head.
    â€œWhy don’t we call ourselves ‘The Catatonics’?”
    I don’t even bother to try to explain.
    â€œNot bad, but it sounds too much like ‘The Rheostatics’,” Akim says.
    â€œWhat the hell are rheostatics?” Jimmy T asks. “A kind of amp or something?”
    â€œThey’re a band ,” Tristan says. “Awesome musicians. Very eclectic. Other musicians tend to be big fans of them.”
    â€œWhich explains why you’ve never heard of ’em!” Akim says to Jimmy T.
    Jimmy leans forward, staring directly at Akim. “Think you’re a funny guy, do ya?”
    Lola elbows Jimmy in the ribs. “Cool it, honey.”
    â€œDrinks off the tables in ten minutes!” Suzy hollers from the other side of the room.
    We sit deep in thought, scratching our chins, squinting, occasionally pausing to drink beer. We look like a bunch of students at the School of Athens, sitting in a circle, trying to figure out one of Socrates’ unsolvable puzzles.
    â€œBut wait ! There it is!” I shout. “Listen!