Read Online Fear of Dying by Erica Jong - Free Book Online

anything. I try just to listen.
    â€œI’m going to get so fat here, Mommo. The food is so caloric. It’s gross. Everybody eats candy all the time.”
    â€œThere’s a nice gym and pool.”
    â€œI’m not allowed to use them till I detox.”
    â€œThat’ll be soon.”
    â€œNot soon enough. And it’s freezing. Will you send me a parka and boots?”
    â€œOf course.”
    â€œAnd will you call all these people and tell them I’m sick in the hospital but don’t tell them where?” She hands me a scribbled list.
    â€œYes.”
    â€œI love you, Mommo,” Glinda says, like a baby. “I really do.”
    *   *   *
    I think of Glinda when she was a baby. At five months her favorite toy was something called a Jolly Jumper. She would push off from the floor with legs that couldn’t walk yet and bounce and bounce for hours. She had such exuberance and joy. Even then she was getting high.
    All through her childhood, she seemed to run on sheer adrenaline. She told stories for me. She entertained everybody with her funny monologues and songs; she bewitched everyone. Then, at thirteen, she became a teenager and I seemed to lose her. There would be crises—pot, alcohol, suicide threats—then they would seem to pass. There were expensive shrinks, but they didn’t seem to realize she had a drug problem. Then, at sixteen, Glinda was offered a role in a movie and she had at last found something she loved. Acting seemed to stabilize her, and I couldn’t have stopped her anyway, so I let her pursue it. I was always frightened for her, but she was driven to act and she was successful. I stupidly assumed she had the drugs under control. I had become an actress at sixteen too. I thought it was normal.
    â€œDo you know when I knew I had a problem, Mom?”
    â€œNo, tell me.”
    â€œLast summer I tried to walk through the Holland Tunnel. I was high on coke and I thought I could kill myself easily that way. But I couldn’t. After that, I went to a few NA meetings, but I couldn’t stick with it. I hated all the sanctimonious higher power stuff. I fell asleep in the meetings. I wasn’t ready. Then when the big movie came through and I moved to L.A. it got worse. I would wake up and find myself on the beach in Malibu and not know how I got there. I would find myself wandering on the Pacific Coast Highway in the dark. It was a nightmare.”
    â€œWhy didn’t you tell me?” Even as I asked this, I was looking for ways not to believe it. Like all parents, I wanted to deny the truth. Then I said to myself: Shut up and listen. Just listen. If love is listening, it was my turn to listen to her no matter how guilty I felt.
    â€œI was ashamed. Even I didn’t realize how bad it was. I didn’t think you’d understand. I didn’t understand myself. Finally I reached a point where I wanted to die all the time. I kept thinking of ways to die. I kept deliberately overdosing. And then not dying. That was when I decided to come home.”
    â€œGlinda, you’re in a safe place now. I promise you are.”
    â€œGod, I hope so. I can’t be trusted on the outside anymore. I know that.”
    â€œThat’s a lot to know.”
    â€œAre you going to stay another night?”
    â€œI don’t know what the rules are. If I can stay, I will. I have a meeting with a counselor this morning.”
    â€œThey tell you it’s voluntary here, but the truth is you can’t leave if you want to.”
    I don’t say anything.
    â€œSupposedly you can get a car to the airport anytime, but that’s not true. You’re in the frozen tundra, the wastes of America,” Glinda says.
    â€œGlinda, remember how you always wanted me to take you to spas where there was no alcohol?”
    â€œYeah.”
    â€œWhat do you think about that?”
    â€œI wanted you to take me away from temptation. I