Divine Jazzy D Jason Devaney, right there in Dean’s dining room.
‘Hey, Cat,’ he said when he spotted me.
At which point, Aggie passed out, and the weirdness really began.
Stephen Scowl
Talentfactory
PO Box 47863
London SW19 8DR
Dear Mr Scowl
I’m writing you a letter because … well, actually because I have a ban on trying to get too close to Jazzy D or Jason Devaney as I would call him as we sort of went to school together in Jersey. So while I know it would probably be better to come and find you, I think your security men would probably not let me in. (It’s all a very big mix-up, which I’ll tell you about when you come to collect your goods).
So, I’m writing you a letter as there seems to be no other way to get through to you in spite of Facespace and Tweeting and all of that stuff (because I’m sure you have secretaries going through all those things and answering for you) to give you some very important information).
If you’re missing a certain pop-star … I mean, if the lead singer of a certain very popular band has gone missing … No, I mean, I know you’ll have kept it out of the papers so as not to upset the legions of Jazzy D fans and Divvies the world over, but I happen to know where he is.
The thing is, Mr Scowl, I’m not quite sure how it came about, and especially how he managed to turn up naked and a little abusive at my mum’s boyfriend’s partner’s companion’s associate’s fiancé’s house, but he did, and I’ve had to deal with the fall-out. So right now, Stephen, your teen idol is living in my shed.
You can co llect him any old time you like. In fact, the sooner the better, please. Looking after him is proving a bit tricky, and anyway, I’m sure you’ll be needing him for a gig or TV appearance v soon.
Many thanks,
Ms Catherine Andrews (or Cat, as I am known, not least by the very annoying Jason Devaney)
Chapter 7 : As Long As You Love Me
(Backstreet Boys)
There are only so many completely mad conversations you can have with people before you start to believe that you’re really mad yourself. Seriously. Completely zomboid nutty, that’s me. It just has to be.
For instance, take the mental exchange that went on when Jazzy D appeared in Dean’s dining room doorway. It was really strange anyway because of what we were talking about, but what was strangest about it was that everyone was clearly trying to avoid the word “naked”. Which sort of implied that a world-famous pop idol to turning up at your house, going ‘hey, Cat’ was acceptable, and the only thing that was weird about it was the fact that he was naked. (To which nakedness, by the way, I would like to say, ‘Eugh. Rank, vomit-worthy and utterly unacceptable’).
Here’s how it went:
‘Cat,’ said Mother Dearest, wiping tears of joy from her face (from the proposal, not the sight of Jazzy D), ‘do you know this very n…’ PAUSE TO NOT SAY NAKED ‘ … n-nice young man?’
Aggie, reviving from her fainting session, propped herself up on one elbow. ‘Rachel, you must know who this …’ PAUSE TO NOT SAY NAKED AND RIPPED ‘… guy is. It’s Jazzy D, and he’s …’ PAUSE AGAIN TO HAVE ANOTHER LOOK AND NOT SAY NAKED, GORGEOUS AND RIPPED AND OMIGOD, NAKED ‘… here! In our house!’ She appeared to be in severe danger of passing out again.
Jazzy nodded vigorously with a smug expression on … well, everything. Did I say he nodded vigorously? He really did. Everything jiggled. Rank, rank, rank and vomit-worthy.
Dean tried to be manly and strode over with his arm extended. ‘Hi. Jazzy. You’re very …’ PAUSE TO NOT SAY NAKED NAKED NAKED AND IN MY DINING ROOM WITH TWO IMPRESSIONABLE TEENAGE GIRLS ‘… welcome.’ He shook Jazzy’s hand, staring at the ceiling the whole time.
‘Oh, for Darwin ’s sake,’ I said, tugging the tablecloth out from under the remaining dishes. ‘Put something on, please. You’re very …’ PAUSE TO NOT SAY NAKED THEN THINK, OH, TO
‘Hey, Cat,’ he said when he spotted me.
At which point, Aggie passed out, and the weirdness really began.
Stephen Scowl
Talentfactory
PO Box 47863
London SW19 8DR
Dear Mr Scowl
I’m writing you a letter because … well, actually because I have a ban on trying to get too close to Jazzy D or Jason Devaney as I would call him as we sort of went to school together in Jersey. So while I know it would probably be better to come and find you, I think your security men would probably not let me in. (It’s all a very big mix-up, which I’ll tell you about when you come to collect your goods).
So, I’m writing you a letter as there seems to be no other way to get through to you in spite of Facespace and Tweeting and all of that stuff (because I’m sure you have secretaries going through all those things and answering for you) to give you some very important information).
If you’re missing a certain pop-star … I mean, if the lead singer of a certain very popular band has gone missing … No, I mean, I know you’ll have kept it out of the papers so as not to upset the legions of Jazzy D fans and Divvies the world over, but I happen to know where he is.
The thing is, Mr Scowl, I’m not quite sure how it came about, and especially how he managed to turn up naked and a little abusive at my mum’s boyfriend’s partner’s companion’s associate’s fiancé’s house, but he did, and I’ve had to deal with the fall-out. So right now, Stephen, your teen idol is living in my shed.
You can co llect him any old time you like. In fact, the sooner the better, please. Looking after him is proving a bit tricky, and anyway, I’m sure you’ll be needing him for a gig or TV appearance v soon.
Many thanks,
Ms Catherine Andrews (or Cat, as I am known, not least by the very annoying Jason Devaney)
Chapter 7 : As Long As You Love Me
(Backstreet Boys)
There are only so many completely mad conversations you can have with people before you start to believe that you’re really mad yourself. Seriously. Completely zomboid nutty, that’s me. It just has to be.
For instance, take the mental exchange that went on when Jazzy D appeared in Dean’s dining room doorway. It was really strange anyway because of what we were talking about, but what was strangest about it was that everyone was clearly trying to avoid the word “naked”. Which sort of implied that a world-famous pop idol to turning up at your house, going ‘hey, Cat’ was acceptable, and the only thing that was weird about it was the fact that he was naked. (To which nakedness, by the way, I would like to say, ‘Eugh. Rank, vomit-worthy and utterly unacceptable’).
Here’s how it went:
‘Cat,’ said Mother Dearest, wiping tears of joy from her face (from the proposal, not the sight of Jazzy D), ‘do you know this very n…’ PAUSE TO NOT SAY NAKED ‘ … n-nice young man?’
Aggie, reviving from her fainting session, propped herself up on one elbow. ‘Rachel, you must know who this …’ PAUSE TO NOT SAY NAKED AND RIPPED ‘… guy is. It’s Jazzy D, and he’s …’ PAUSE AGAIN TO HAVE ANOTHER LOOK AND NOT SAY NAKED, GORGEOUS AND RIPPED AND OMIGOD, NAKED ‘… here! In our house!’ She appeared to be in severe danger of passing out again.
Jazzy nodded vigorously with a smug expression on … well, everything. Did I say he nodded vigorously? He really did. Everything jiggled. Rank, rank, rank and vomit-worthy.
Dean tried to be manly and strode over with his arm extended. ‘Hi. Jazzy. You’re very …’ PAUSE TO NOT SAY NAKED NAKED NAKED AND IN MY DINING ROOM WITH TWO IMPRESSIONABLE TEENAGE GIRLS ‘… welcome.’ He shook Jazzy’s hand, staring at the ceiling the whole time.
‘Oh, for Darwin ’s sake,’ I said, tugging the tablecloth out from under the remaining dishes. ‘Put something on, please. You’re very …’ PAUSE TO NOT SAY NAKED THEN THINK, OH, TO
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