accusations were,
the compelling urge to have her in my life is even stronger.
What happened that night has planted a seed of
doubt in my mind for the first time and I know that it’s solely down to Beth’s
influence, the affect she has on me. Is there a way that I can have Beth in my
life, existing side by side with my other world? Do I have to let her go or is
there another way? I already went over and over this in my mind last night—so I
already have my answers.
I told her that I wanted to try and open up
more to her because I know she wholeheartedly trusts me, as I do her. She
deserves so much more. So the very least I can do is to be better to her, for
her. No matter how long we are a ‘ we’ , I owe her to push my own
boundaries and get out of this crippling comfort zone.
The credits are rolling on the screen. I’m
still stroking my fingers lazily up and down her back, hypnotising us both into
utter relaxation. Now is as good a time as any to start as I mean to progress.
“Beth, you know yesterday you said that we can
pick up where we left off?” She nods and I carry on stroking her back. “I don’t
think we can.”
I feel her back muscles stiffen beneath her
blouse and she slowly turns her head to face me.
“Go on.”
“ When so much happens in such quick
succession, over
a short space of time, it seems to blend into one and
you forget where one emotion ends and a new one begins. When I came to 24/7
last week, I told you that you make me want to try and find the words, to open
up and talk to you. I stand by what I said. I know I don’t make it easy, that
I’m closed off from emotions and I don’t talk about my feelings—”
“Jax, you’re wrong. You may think you’re that
way but I disagree. In the time I’ve known you, I’ve learned that words aren’t
always necessary. Well, not with us anyway. The only time it’s confusing is
when we make it that way.” She clears her throat before continuing. “Remember
that night in the kitchen when you spoke about mixed messages? Telling me that
my body contradicted what I’d tell you, feeding you mixed messages. Lately,
call it Karma if you like, but I find our roles have reversed and being on the
receiving end of that is confusing as hell.”
“What, I’m confusing you?”
Beth sits up and swivels to face me.
“Yes. You’ve never been one to shy away from
your attitude towards relationships and getting close to people. I know you
prefer to keep people at arm’s length but it doesn’t feel like that applies to
me anymore. That might just be wishful thinking though.”
I run my thumb over the softness of her bottom
lip as she speaks my mind for me.
“No. I think you may be right.”
“Well, I was thinking last night about what you
said yesterday. You told me that you can’t offer me any more than friendship
but what you fail to realise is that whether or not you like it, you already give
me so much more than that.”
“Beth, I know what you’re saying but that
doesn’t mean we can be anything more than friends in the end.”
“And that’s where I always hit a brick wall
Jax.” Beth tucks her knees underneath her and picks up the cushion from my lap,
cuddling it as she speaks. “I’m overwhelmed by all the craziness sometimes—but
eventually I’m always able to strip that away, leaving just you and me and I
don’t understand why you have to stamp a big fat end date on us. Before now,
I’ve stopped myself from speaking about it in case you thought I was getting
clingy, too afraid that I’d push you away. Remember, I didn’t want to be that girl. But now, I feel like whatever this is between us, deserves
recognition.”
She takes hold of my hand and looks at me so I
know she’s not withdrawing and she continues.
“So now it’s my turn to tell you… You say that
we’re friends and we can never be more but your body tells me I’m already more
the compelling urge to have her in my life is even stronger.
What happened that night has planted a seed of
doubt in my mind for the first time and I know that it’s solely down to Beth’s
influence, the affect she has on me. Is there a way that I can have Beth in my
life, existing side by side with my other world? Do I have to let her go or is
there another way? I already went over and over this in my mind last night—so I
already have my answers.
I told her that I wanted to try and open up
more to her because I know she wholeheartedly trusts me, as I do her. She
deserves so much more. So the very least I can do is to be better to her, for
her. No matter how long we are a ‘ we’ , I owe her to push my own
boundaries and get out of this crippling comfort zone.
The credits are rolling on the screen. I’m
still stroking my fingers lazily up and down her back, hypnotising us both into
utter relaxation. Now is as good a time as any to start as I mean to progress.
“Beth, you know yesterday you said that we can
pick up where we left off?” She nods and I carry on stroking her back. “I don’t
think we can.”
I feel her back muscles stiffen beneath her
blouse and she slowly turns her head to face me.
“Go on.”
“ When so much happens in such quick
succession, over
a short space of time, it seems to blend into one and
you forget where one emotion ends and a new one begins. When I came to 24/7
last week, I told you that you make me want to try and find the words, to open
up and talk to you. I stand by what I said. I know I don’t make it easy, that
I’m closed off from emotions and I don’t talk about my feelings—”
“Jax, you’re wrong. You may think you’re that
way but I disagree. In the time I’ve known you, I’ve learned that words aren’t
always necessary. Well, not with us anyway. The only time it’s confusing is
when we make it that way.” She clears her throat before continuing. “Remember
that night in the kitchen when you spoke about mixed messages? Telling me that
my body contradicted what I’d tell you, feeding you mixed messages. Lately,
call it Karma if you like, but I find our roles have reversed and being on the
receiving end of that is confusing as hell.”
“What, I’m confusing you?”
Beth sits up and swivels to face me.
“Yes. You’ve never been one to shy away from
your attitude towards relationships and getting close to people. I know you
prefer to keep people at arm’s length but it doesn’t feel like that applies to
me anymore. That might just be wishful thinking though.”
I run my thumb over the softness of her bottom
lip as she speaks my mind for me.
“No. I think you may be right.”
“Well, I was thinking last night about what you
said yesterday. You told me that you can’t offer me any more than friendship
but what you fail to realise is that whether or not you like it, you already give
me so much more than that.”
“Beth, I know what you’re saying but that
doesn’t mean we can be anything more than friends in the end.”
“And that’s where I always hit a brick wall
Jax.” Beth tucks her knees underneath her and picks up the cushion from my lap,
cuddling it as she speaks. “I’m overwhelmed by all the craziness sometimes—but
eventually I’m always able to strip that away, leaving just you and me and I
don’t understand why you have to stamp a big fat end date on us. Before now,
I’ve stopped myself from speaking about it in case you thought I was getting
clingy, too afraid that I’d push you away. Remember, I didn’t want to be that girl. But now, I feel like whatever this is between us, deserves
recognition.”
She takes hold of my hand and looks at me so I
know she’s not withdrawing and she continues.
“So now it’s my turn to tell you… You say that
we’re friends and we can never be more but your body tells me I’m already more
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