(‘Whiskey habit,’ she mouthed to me as she hauled him away) and was dancing with him. Dmitri had recognised some of his other friends, and had gone to talk to them, so it was just David and me and the jug.
I tried not to look at him too closely, still feeling a little giddy after our weird moment earlier. It hadn’t really been a moment, not really. He’d just been looking at my eyeliner because Laura and I had gone on about it so much. I mustn’t read more into this than there really was.
I glanced up, and caught him looking at me. He glanced away bashfully, and that gave me an odd boost of confidence. I touched his straw with my own, and pushed an ice cube towards him.
‘Very The Lady and the Tramp ,’ he said. ‘If they ever redid The Lady and the Tramp in a modern setting with humans, this is what they’d use instead of a plate of meatballs. A jug of cocktail, two straws, and a crowded bar.’
‘Doesn’t have quite the same atmosphere,’ I said.
‘No, not really.’
‘Do you like coming here? I mean, I like coming here, but sometimes…’
‘Sometimes Tumblr and Netflix seem more attractive?’
I grinned. ‘Yeah, pretty much.’
He grinned back. ‘Yeah, but Laura really likes it, and so does Dmitri.’ He looked around, and spied Dmitri over by the opposite wall. He was just standing by himself, not talking to anyone. ‘Oh,’ David said in surprise. ‘I thought he’d gone to find friends.’
‘Maybe they’ve gone to get drinks,’ I said, trying not to too obviously draw the conversation back.
‘Maybe.’ David shook his head. ‘Here, you have my straw.’ He hopped down off his stool, and buried through the dancing, flailing bodies to get to Dmitri on the other side of the room.
I turned away so I didn’t have to look, and hunched over the jug by myself. David’s straw sat at a crooked angle, and I picked it out of the jug and laid it down on the bar, where it dribbled a few drops of red drink onto the shiny surface. I resolutely chewed down on my straw and took a huge gulp of strawberry daiquiri. It was sweet and cold and utterly delicious, so I drank more.
I didn’t look around to see where Laura was, and I especially didn’t look round to see if David was still being cosy with Dmitri. God, what was wrong with me! Sadness and frustration and anger were all welling up inside me. This was it all over again. Nothing had changed. My stupid little epiphany of the other day hadn’t meant anything. It was still just the same.
This was what had happened with Tom and Liam. I squeezed my eyes shut against their faces, and sucked down more daiquiri. How arrogant I was, how supremely arrogant. Just like before, I’d been assuming that all that was needed was for me to sort out my own feelings, and David would be waiting for me when I got there. It hadn’t been a moment earlier; he’d just been looking at my stupid, stupid eyeliner. There was no moment. No moment at all.
My head was beginning to hurt from all the ice cubes, but I didn’t care. I realised with some surprise that I’d reached the bottom of the jug, but I just shoved it towards the girl behind the bar and asked for a refill. When it arrived, it was dark and sweet and red, swimming with more ice than an Artic sea, and I sucked it down gratefully.
‘Lizzie!’ Laura was back at my side. She grabbed a straw and took a mouthful of drink. ‘You haven’t drunk much of this.’
I blinked at her, then realised that she thought that this was still the first jug. That seemed suddenly ridiculously funny, and I began to giggle.
Laura raised her eyebrows. ‘Uh, okay.’
I leaned in closer to her. ‘It’s okay.’
‘Okay?’
‘Yeah.’ I chomped down on my straw. ‘It’s a metaphor, Hazel Grace.’
‘What is?’
I laughed, and felt tears at the back of my eyes. ‘It’s all okay. Except when it’s not, because it never
I tried not to look at him too closely, still feeling a little giddy after our weird moment earlier. It hadn’t really been a moment, not really. He’d just been looking at my eyeliner because Laura and I had gone on about it so much. I mustn’t read more into this than there really was.
I glanced up, and caught him looking at me. He glanced away bashfully, and that gave me an odd boost of confidence. I touched his straw with my own, and pushed an ice cube towards him.
‘Very The Lady and the Tramp ,’ he said. ‘If they ever redid The Lady and the Tramp in a modern setting with humans, this is what they’d use instead of a plate of meatballs. A jug of cocktail, two straws, and a crowded bar.’
‘Doesn’t have quite the same atmosphere,’ I said.
‘No, not really.’
‘Do you like coming here? I mean, I like coming here, but sometimes…’
‘Sometimes Tumblr and Netflix seem more attractive?’
I grinned. ‘Yeah, pretty much.’
He grinned back. ‘Yeah, but Laura really likes it, and so does Dmitri.’ He looked around, and spied Dmitri over by the opposite wall. He was just standing by himself, not talking to anyone. ‘Oh,’ David said in surprise. ‘I thought he’d gone to find friends.’
‘Maybe they’ve gone to get drinks,’ I said, trying not to too obviously draw the conversation back.
‘Maybe.’ David shook his head. ‘Here, you have my straw.’ He hopped down off his stool, and buried through the dancing, flailing bodies to get to Dmitri on the other side of the room.
I turned away so I didn’t have to look, and hunched over the jug by myself. David’s straw sat at a crooked angle, and I picked it out of the jug and laid it down on the bar, where it dribbled a few drops of red drink onto the shiny surface. I resolutely chewed down on my straw and took a huge gulp of strawberry daiquiri. It was sweet and cold and utterly delicious, so I drank more.
I didn’t look around to see where Laura was, and I especially didn’t look round to see if David was still being cosy with Dmitri. God, what was wrong with me! Sadness and frustration and anger were all welling up inside me. This was it all over again. Nothing had changed. My stupid little epiphany of the other day hadn’t meant anything. It was still just the same.
This was what had happened with Tom and Liam. I squeezed my eyes shut against their faces, and sucked down more daiquiri. How arrogant I was, how supremely arrogant. Just like before, I’d been assuming that all that was needed was for me to sort out my own feelings, and David would be waiting for me when I got there. It hadn’t been a moment earlier; he’d just been looking at my stupid, stupid eyeliner. There was no moment. No moment at all.
My head was beginning to hurt from all the ice cubes, but I didn’t care. I realised with some surprise that I’d reached the bottom of the jug, but I just shoved it towards the girl behind the bar and asked for a refill. When it arrived, it was dark and sweet and red, swimming with more ice than an Artic sea, and I sucked it down gratefully.
‘Lizzie!’ Laura was back at my side. She grabbed a straw and took a mouthful of drink. ‘You haven’t drunk much of this.’
I blinked at her, then realised that she thought that this was still the first jug. That seemed suddenly ridiculously funny, and I began to giggle.
Laura raised her eyebrows. ‘Uh, okay.’
I leaned in closer to her. ‘It’s okay.’
‘Okay?’
‘Yeah.’ I chomped down on my straw. ‘It’s a metaphor, Hazel Grace.’
‘What is?’
I laughed, and felt tears at the back of my eyes. ‘It’s all okay. Except when it’s not, because it never
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