looking. No one had any idea what he was like. Not until later. Not until it was too late.”
But I can tell by her expression that she still doesn’t see the similarities which are so blatantly clear to me they scare me more than anything else ever has. Well, until last night.
“Bam Bam...” I don’t want to tell her. I don’t want her to know. I don’t think I could stand seeing that look in her eyes disappear. It’s been there ever since she told me how she felt. Now that I’ve seen it, I don’t think I could bare to see it fade away. But maybe it should. Maybe I should snuff it out before she gives me a chance to do something we’ll both regret. “The reason I know, the reason I can see how he was back then...why it was so easy...it’s all the same for me now. You don’t know how many fucking times some teenage girl has wound up in my dressing room on a mission to fuck me. Happens all the goddamn time. They get fake IDs, bribe security, sneak in with someone they know on the inside, you name it, they do it. The youngest one I’ve ever caught was thirteen. Thirteen fucking years old! She didn’t think I was some old creep. She should have, but she didn’t.”
Slowly, the expression on her face begins to change and it’s like a knife to my insides. I don’t even know why her opinion of me matters so much. It shouldn’t. But it does.
“Are you saying,” she breaks to clear her throat, “that you slept with those girls? I mean, it would still be different if you didn’t know they were minors...”
“Fuck no!” I should just let her think that though. I shouldn’t explain. But I have to. “Almost happened once, back when we first started touring. I was eighteen, she was fifteen. We were fooling around and I just got this feeling things were off. So, I started asking her these stupid questions, like, how old was she when she got her first album and what was it. Her age was pretty obvious based on her answers and that was the end of it. Now, it’s the first thing I ask when I meet a girl. And they fucking slip up every time. Thank God.”
She’s watching me. Listening to everything. Her face is a blank fucking canvas now and it’s making me crazy.
“Don’t take this the wrong way, Angel, but you’re a fucking idiot if you think you are anything at all like that bastard.” Finally her face comes back to life and I don’t even care that she’s pissed the hell off. “Fine, you sleep around. You’re a big fat whore, but you don’t hurt anyone. You’re not out trying to seduce innocent young girls and you’re sure as shit not knocking any of them up. And that’s not something that’s going to change as you get older, Angel. You’re not going to wake up one morning, a nasty old man who likes little girls. And for the record, I was a little girl when you were well on your way to being a grown man. And you were never anything but kind to me. In fact, you set a standard so high, I’ve yet to meet another man who treats me as well as you always did. That’s the kind of impression you left on me at eleven. And you maintained it well into my teens before you guys took off to pursue fame and fortune in the name of rock and roll.” She exhales loudly. I don’t think she meant to say all of that. Although, I’m glad she did. I’m about to tell her when her mouth opens again, this time her tone is softer when she speaks. “Also, you need to stop blaming yourself for what happened last night. I get it. He made those comments about young girls. You thought of your mom...anyone would have reacted that way.”
It’s the first thing she says that catches me off guard. Because out of everything she just said, it’s the only thing that doesn’t ring true. “That’s not why I went after him.”
“It’s not?”
I shake my head. Until this moment, I never even put it together for myself. I was just reacting. Following my feelings. And there wasn’t time for any conscious
But I can tell by her expression that she still doesn’t see the similarities which are so blatantly clear to me they scare me more than anything else ever has. Well, until last night.
“Bam Bam...” I don’t want to tell her. I don’t want her to know. I don’t think I could stand seeing that look in her eyes disappear. It’s been there ever since she told me how she felt. Now that I’ve seen it, I don’t think I could bare to see it fade away. But maybe it should. Maybe I should snuff it out before she gives me a chance to do something we’ll both regret. “The reason I know, the reason I can see how he was back then...why it was so easy...it’s all the same for me now. You don’t know how many fucking times some teenage girl has wound up in my dressing room on a mission to fuck me. Happens all the goddamn time. They get fake IDs, bribe security, sneak in with someone they know on the inside, you name it, they do it. The youngest one I’ve ever caught was thirteen. Thirteen fucking years old! She didn’t think I was some old creep. She should have, but she didn’t.”
Slowly, the expression on her face begins to change and it’s like a knife to my insides. I don’t even know why her opinion of me matters so much. It shouldn’t. But it does.
“Are you saying,” she breaks to clear her throat, “that you slept with those girls? I mean, it would still be different if you didn’t know they were minors...”
“Fuck no!” I should just let her think that though. I shouldn’t explain. But I have to. “Almost happened once, back when we first started touring. I was eighteen, she was fifteen. We were fooling around and I just got this feeling things were off. So, I started asking her these stupid questions, like, how old was she when she got her first album and what was it. Her age was pretty obvious based on her answers and that was the end of it. Now, it’s the first thing I ask when I meet a girl. And they fucking slip up every time. Thank God.”
She’s watching me. Listening to everything. Her face is a blank fucking canvas now and it’s making me crazy.
“Don’t take this the wrong way, Angel, but you’re a fucking idiot if you think you are anything at all like that bastard.” Finally her face comes back to life and I don’t even care that she’s pissed the hell off. “Fine, you sleep around. You’re a big fat whore, but you don’t hurt anyone. You’re not out trying to seduce innocent young girls and you’re sure as shit not knocking any of them up. And that’s not something that’s going to change as you get older, Angel. You’re not going to wake up one morning, a nasty old man who likes little girls. And for the record, I was a little girl when you were well on your way to being a grown man. And you were never anything but kind to me. In fact, you set a standard so high, I’ve yet to meet another man who treats me as well as you always did. That’s the kind of impression you left on me at eleven. And you maintained it well into my teens before you guys took off to pursue fame and fortune in the name of rock and roll.” She exhales loudly. I don’t think she meant to say all of that. Although, I’m glad she did. I’m about to tell her when her mouth opens again, this time her tone is softer when she speaks. “Also, you need to stop blaming yourself for what happened last night. I get it. He made those comments about young girls. You thought of your mom...anyone would have reacted that way.”
It’s the first thing she says that catches me off guard. Because out of everything she just said, it’s the only thing that doesn’t ring true. “That’s not why I went after him.”
“It’s not?”
I shake my head. Until this moment, I never even put it together for myself. I was just reacting. Following my feelings. And there wasn’t time for any conscious
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