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himself knows.’
    She turned to Lancelot and took his hands in hers. ‘You are the only person I have ever told this to,’ she said.
    Lancelot blushed. He tried to look away, but could not. He tried to speak, but could not. He was desperate to go to the toilet, but could not, which did sore make his eyes water.
    â€˜I, umm, I, umm,’ he said, but Morgan le Fey put her fingers to his lips.
    â€˜You know and I know that we are destined to be together,’ she said. ‘Your shyness does you credit, my lord. But don’t worry, it will pass.’
    â€˜Yes, but, yes, but,’ Lancelot blurted out. ‘I am bursting.’
    â€˜I, too, am overwhelmed, but it is our fate,’ said Morgan le Fey. ‘You must relax and go with the flow.’
    Go with the flow was too much. The brave, fearless, noble knight wet himself. He was, however, saved by his cloak and very large boots. He just hoped his beloved would not hear the squelchy noise as he walked about.
    Morgan le Fey took a silver whistle from around her neck and blew on it. There was no sound, or rather, the sound it made was way above the range of human hearing, even above the range of dogs, but sure enough, as the two humans looked up into the cloud, a small dot appeared. It circled twice and flew down to their window faster than the human eye could see.
    â€˜You have finished your homework, my child?’ said the vampire, Fenestra, as she came in through the window.
    â€˜No. I’m sorry. I am still working on it,’ said Morgan le Fey.
    â€˜But it has been three years, my child,’ said the vampire.
    â€˜I know, I know, but geography’s really difficult,’ said Morgan le Fey. ‘I keep getting stuck in Belgium.’
    â€˜Who doesn’t?’ said Fenestra.
    She then noticed Sir Lancelot and froze.
    â€˜You know it is forbidden for you to tell anyone of our existence,’ she said.
    â€˜This is not anyone,’ said Morgan le Fey. ‘This is Sir Lancelot and we are as one. Our destinies are intertwined forever.’
    â€˜Fair enough,’ said the vampire. ‘I just thought he might be a boyfriend or a servant or something like that, but if your destinies are actually intertwined then that’s fine.’
    The vampire held out a thin black wing and fluttered her heavy black eyelashes at Sir Lancelot.
    â€˜Nice-looking boy, isn’t he?’ she said. ‘Even if he has wet himself.’
    Sir Lancelot fainted. 25
    Morgan le Fey explained about Bloat and Brat and how they were trying to find out where they were going.
    â€˜I thought maybe you could fly over the area and see if you can spot them,’ she said.
    â€˜Well, it’s not the sort of thing we normally do,’ said the vampire. ‘I mean, we are a noble race of philosophers, not an HPS 26 . Our minds are focused on higher things than that.’
    â€˜What, you mean like sucking blood?’ said Morgan le Fey.
    â€˜Well, umm, that’s just a hobby,’ said Fenestra. ‘A bit of light relief to break up the endless hours of introspection and doing philosophical stuff.’
    â€˜If you find the bandits, you can suck their blood,’ said Morgan le Fey, ‘as much as you like.’
    â€˜Oh, well, that’s different then,’ said the vampire.
    She thought for a bit and then said, ‘This bloodsucking, would we be able to do it without having to fill out all the usual forms and endless paperwork?’
    In the bad old Dark Ages there were no rulescontrolling bloodsucking, and vampires, who are not known for self-restraint, frequently sucked so much blood out of their victims that they dropped dead. 27 When the Days of Yore started, King Arthur’s father, Uther Pendragon, decided something had to be done as everyone was getting fed up tripping over deathly white corpses all the time. So regulations were brought in that meant vampires had to fill out seven forms in triplicate