motionless in our bedroom, nestled in the corner between her dresser full of her intimates and some of her filming equipment. But it all seemed suddenly inaccessible to me, the clothes she wore, the photographs sheâd framed, the people that she sometimes interviewed at their most vulnerable, their weakest. I felt like a nomad, a wanderer, trapped atop one of her lighthouses with no way to get down.
After being emotionally disabled and unresponsive for hours, I dressed and ended up going to the local YMCA pool. I lapped the pool for nearly three hours until the muscles underneath my skin burned, trying to deaden the emotional pain through a mixture of lactic acid and exhaustion. The muscles in my shoulders and back were stretched beyond what was expected from their kinetic construction. My lungs were bursting. However I felt like a coward, and would never have the strength to properly confront and endure the consequences of what had happened, and the layers of damage that the accident had caused.
After several days of being treated for a severe concussion, lacerations to her shoulders, neck and face, and several cracked ribs, Hannah was released. The department offered to send someone to the hospital to bring her back to our place.
To our place?
But someone else had already been there.
That morning, all the windows were open in our house, and the sunlight was streaming through our bedroom. It was early and the light was beautiful, delicately intense, but gentle enough to sooth away just about any emotional angst. However when Hannah found me I was sitting on the tiled floor inside the shower. I had been sitting with my back against the door for nearly an hour. The cold water bit harshly, falling across my neck and chest. There was nowhere else I could go, no body of water to hide within.
Hannah opened the door to the shower slowly, causing the tips of her hair to quickly moisten. She hesitated. I looked up. There were deep bruises under her eyes. She reached down and despite her physical pain, pulled my body forward and cradled me, securing my head gently in her lap, and moving aside the hair that fell across my eyes. I could hear her labored breathing. I wanted to pull away from her so much but I adored her. I had married her years ago because she was intelligent and alluring. She understood the emotional complexities and frailty that I possessed, and never admonished me for it or used it against me. Without saying a word, she kissed me on the side of the head and sobbed.
âYou never came to the hospital,â she stated.
âIâm sorry,â I whispered quietly.
âI was there for days, waiting for you,â she said.
âI donât think they knew who I was carrying at first. You seemed so heavy, weighted somehow. It was as if all that water from the river had soaked into your skin and the clothes you had on. I wanted to know who he was so much. I should have tried to resuscitate you, but I didnât ⦠I couldnât. Someone else did, one of the paramedics. After they rushed you away, I just sat there on the banks of the river. I couldnât pull myself together enough to be near anyone who knew about what had happened, to see the look in their eyes. Their pity would have been an endless, arid desert for me. In the last few days while you have been in hospital, I have sat here searching for the right words to say to you and everyone else. However they have just never come to me,â I added.
âI wasnât sure what you would do. When you didnât come after the second day I thought you might have gone for good,â she added.
âIt doesnât matter,â I said. I abandoned her embrace and leaned against the glass door away from where she crouched.
âIâm sorry,â she said as she moved to turn off the water. âI shouldnât have done this to you.â
âWhy?â I asked.
âYou didnâtâ deserve this,â she
After being emotionally disabled and unresponsive for hours, I dressed and ended up going to the local YMCA pool. I lapped the pool for nearly three hours until the muscles underneath my skin burned, trying to deaden the emotional pain through a mixture of lactic acid and exhaustion. The muscles in my shoulders and back were stretched beyond what was expected from their kinetic construction. My lungs were bursting. However I felt like a coward, and would never have the strength to properly confront and endure the consequences of what had happened, and the layers of damage that the accident had caused.
After several days of being treated for a severe concussion, lacerations to her shoulders, neck and face, and several cracked ribs, Hannah was released. The department offered to send someone to the hospital to bring her back to our place.
To our place?
But someone else had already been there.
That morning, all the windows were open in our house, and the sunlight was streaming through our bedroom. It was early and the light was beautiful, delicately intense, but gentle enough to sooth away just about any emotional angst. However when Hannah found me I was sitting on the tiled floor inside the shower. I had been sitting with my back against the door for nearly an hour. The cold water bit harshly, falling across my neck and chest. There was nowhere else I could go, no body of water to hide within.
Hannah opened the door to the shower slowly, causing the tips of her hair to quickly moisten. She hesitated. I looked up. There were deep bruises under her eyes. She reached down and despite her physical pain, pulled my body forward and cradled me, securing my head gently in her lap, and moving aside the hair that fell across my eyes. I could hear her labored breathing. I wanted to pull away from her so much but I adored her. I had married her years ago because she was intelligent and alluring. She understood the emotional complexities and frailty that I possessed, and never admonished me for it or used it against me. Without saying a word, she kissed me on the side of the head and sobbed.
âYou never came to the hospital,â she stated.
âIâm sorry,â I whispered quietly.
âI was there for days, waiting for you,â she said.
âI donât think they knew who I was carrying at first. You seemed so heavy, weighted somehow. It was as if all that water from the river had soaked into your skin and the clothes you had on. I wanted to know who he was so much. I should have tried to resuscitate you, but I didnât ⦠I couldnât. Someone else did, one of the paramedics. After they rushed you away, I just sat there on the banks of the river. I couldnât pull myself together enough to be near anyone who knew about what had happened, to see the look in their eyes. Their pity would have been an endless, arid desert for me. In the last few days while you have been in hospital, I have sat here searching for the right words to say to you and everyone else. However they have just never come to me,â I added.
âI wasnât sure what you would do. When you didnât come after the second day I thought you might have gone for good,â she added.
âIt doesnât matter,â I said. I abandoned her embrace and leaned against the glass door away from where she crouched.
âIâm sorry,â she said as she moved to turn off the water. âI shouldnât have done this to you.â
âWhy?â I asked.
âYou didnâtâ deserve this,â she
Similar Books
