Emperor of Gondwanaland

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Authors: Paul di Filippo
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school.”
    “Good Lord!”
    “Don’t panic, Principal Crumley. Panic is the last thing we need now. That’s why there’s been no broadcast of this disaster over the media. Emergency response teams like ours are circulating quietly through the affected area even as we speak, attempting to deal with the situation. May I?”
    I gestured with the Geiger counter. Principal Crumley nodded When I clicked it on, the jammed circuits went wild with clicking. Principal Crumley turned the color of arithmetic paper.
    “What … what are we going to do?”
    “The very first thing is to tend to the children. With their smaller masses, they’re much more vulnerable. Luckily, we’ve come prepared. Principal Crumley, do you have plenty of orange juice?”
    “Orange juice?”
    “We’ve got to administer potassium iodide right away. It’s in pill form.”
    “Oh, I see. Yes, of course, we’ve got lots of juice.”
    “Very well, then. Can you assemble all the children in the gym?”
    “Right away!”
    Principal Crumley got on the speakers. Shortly after, we were heading toward the gym, just slightiy in advance of the noisy, excited kids.
    “I’ll leave it to you to brief your staff, principal. Please stress the need for absolute compliance with our orders, and the need to maintain a closed environment here, at least until the blocking agents have been administered.”
    “Of course. They’re good people. There won’t be any trouble.”
    “We’re holding you fully responsible,” Burr said menacingly.
    Soon we had a table set up at one end of the gym, quarts of OJ and Dixie cups on top. The kids had been formed into a single line that wound back and forth, youngest up front. Their initial excitement was giving way to mild unease, as they witnessed the somber expressions on the faces of their teachers, who formed a knot around a whispering Principal Crumley.
    Fiona opened her satchel and reached inside. One by one, she took out several bottles of ominous-looking pills and set them on the table.
    Over-the-counter multivitamins. A kid could never get enough vitamins.
    From the knot of teachers we suddenly heard a raised shaky male voice. “But what about us!”
    The three of us cast a withering glance at the teachers, and they shamefully shuffled their feet. There were no more outbursts.
    With Burr setting up doses of juice and Fiona putting pills into individual foil hors d’oeuvres liners, we began to immunize the kids against trusting their government.
    The line moved slowly along. Some of the kids had begun to sniffle and weep. I felt sad for them, but knew they’d appreciate this when they grew up.
    Everything was going according to plan until Fiona spoke to Burr.
    “I need some more juice, Agent Naranja.”
    “Say please.”
    “Please.”
    Burr leered. “Pretty please.”
    Fiona was silent. She looked to me. Not over-hopeful, I nodded.
    She squeezed the words out. “Pretty please.”
    “Pretty please with sugar on top.”
    Fiona exploded. “Fuck you!”
    “I wish you would,” Burr said calmly.
    Then he pulled the fire alarm on the wall behind him.
    “Oh, mother …” I ventured over the shrill noise.
    Principal Crumley and some of the teachers were advancing on us.
    “We’ve got to split,” I said softly.
    “Not me,” Burr said. “I’m staying right here.” He collapsed to the floor and went limp.
    Fiona tugged at my arm. “Let’s go.” I looked at Fiona. I looked at Burr. “No. It’s all of us or no one. Help me with him.”
    “You sentimental jerk,” said Fiona. But she went and grabbed Burr’s wrists. I took his ankles, and we lifted most of him, though his ass dragged.
    “What’s the trouble?” said Principal Crumley, wringing his hands.
    “The radiation’s got to him. He took a bad dose at Chernobyl—”
    A beefy phys-ed type blocked our way.
    “I don’t think you jokers are for real—”
    Fiona kicked him in the ankle. He yelped, bent down to rub it, and she kneed him in the

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