Read Online Doctor On Toast by Richard Gordon - Free Book Online

indicate in a few words that he was always being held up as embodying the best nautical qualities of Sir Francis Drake and Grace Darling.
    ‘He told you that scurrilous tale about the choir funds, I suppose? Totally untrue, of course. Years afterwards they found out that the Vicar had boozed the lot.’ Captain Spratt tossed Sir Lancelot’s letter aside. ‘You want to sail on Monday in the Capricorn Queen ?’
    ‘I’d very much like that particular ship, sir.’
    I tried not to slip off the chair in eagerness.
    ‘Well, I suppose Dr O’Rory has been pestering me long enough for a voyage off.’ The Captain sat stroking his beard. ‘Needs it too, from the reports I’ve been getting. Now look here young feller me lad – going to sea doesn’t mean an extended bout of skylarking at the Company’s expense. Understand? Doctors are members of our crews, and expected to comport themselves as such. If you want to drink yourself to death, you can do that with less trouble to everybody ashore. As for women, the only time you hold a lady’s hand at sea is to give up your place in the lifeboat as the ship goes down. Get that straight to start with.’
    ‘Yes, sir.’
    I must say, I was glad that Captain Spratt was as landlocked as Sir Joseph Porter, KCB, the Ruler of the Queen’s Navee. Even for dear Ophelia I wouldn’t be shut up with a chap like him for six weeks in a floating steel strong-box.
    ‘Though God knows why anyone at all wants to go to sea today.’ The Captain treated his nose to another meal of snuff. ‘You look a man of the world, Doctor,’ he conceded. ‘Know anything about advertising agencies?’
    ‘Advertising agencies, sir?’
    ‘Your best friend wouldn’t tell you, and all that rubbish. Anyone would imagine the entire human race stank like a herd of goats. We’ve got some hag from one of them sailing this trip, to be photographed in her bathing drawers all over the deck. I’m only warning you.’
    ‘Thank you, sir.’
    ‘The Company’s gone raving mad about advertising.’ He banged the desk so hard all the ships quivered. ‘Even had a snapshot taken of me , God help them! By some ghastly wallahs in pink trousers who kept calling each other dearie.’
    ‘I – I hope it came out nicely, sir.’
    ‘When I first took command, passengers came aboard to travel, not to participate in some sort of floating Babylonian orgy. Hell’s teeth! In those days you could maintain order and discipline aboard – silence in the afternoons and everyone up for breakfast, and so on. If passengers wanted amusement, there was always bingo on Saturday nights. You are fond of bingo, Doctor?’
    ‘I don’t think I’ve played, sir.’
    ‘Anyway, they’ve changed bingo to Thursdays. On Saturdays my unfortunate Captains are obliged to put on paper hats and dance the rumba with a bunch of old ladies who’d be far better tucked up with a hot water bottle in Bournemouth. Nobody at sea knows where they are any more. At this rate we’ll be moving Divine Service to Wednesday afternoons. When can you join?’
    ‘Join? You mean it’s – it’s all fixed? Absolutely any time you like, sir.’
    Razzy had shown up with his sprained ankles and sun blisters, the husband had gone back to the Himalayas and taken the actress with him, so I was professionally on the loose again.
    ‘Report on board eight o’clock Friday morning to check medical stores,’ ordered Captain Spratt briefly. ‘You will now step next door to be introduced to Captain Makepeace, who is in command of your vessel.’ He held out his hand. ‘It only remains for me to wish you a pleasant voyage, Doctor. We shall meet again on your return to port.’
    I was pretty relieved to discover Captain Makepeace a little thin chap with a bowler and umbrella beside him, sitting at a desk signing some papers.
    ‘You may have found Captain Spratt somewhat direct in his manner,’ he began mildly, as we were left alone.
    ‘Bluff old sea-dog, and all that,’ I