I'd never spent time in a
police cell and I was proud of that. I stopped by the table and glanced back.
Mephistopheles rubbed his chin against the corner of the wall and flicked his
tail.
"Um." I might as well
write 'GUILTY' all over my naked body and dance through the streets shaking
maracas. "I uh saw a guy take your wallet." I dropped it on the
table. "I got it back for you."
I swore my heart stopped. I
jammed my trembling hands in my pockets, feeling sick. Mephistopheles sat
neatly on the pavement, looking unimpressed.
"Thank you! I didn't even
notice! Here, let me give you something."
"No, it's fine."
"I insist. It's rare to find
someone so honest."
I bit my lip, my stomach
clenching. He opened his wallet and gave me twenty pounds.
"No, really, I don't need
it."
"Please take it. The wallet
was a gift from my father. I would've been devastated if I'd lost it."
I thanked him and scuttled off,
guilt burning a hole in my guts. Mephistopheles chased me.
"Wow you're not so dumb
after all. There was me thinking brains in humans were an optional extra."
"Why did you make me do
that? I can't take his money. I'm giving it back."
Mephistopheles jumped onto a nearby
wall and slapped me across the face. Claws extended. "Listen punk. I've
adopted you as my...how can I put this? 'Dogsbody' sounds so demeaning. Carer.
I expect you to provide me with a home, food and a warm bed. Everything you're
about to lose. So unless you want to spend the rest of your life sleeping in a
cardboard box and giving sexual favours to ugly, pathetic men in exchange for
whatever toxin you'll get addicted to, to help you escape your shitty life,
you'll do as I say."
"What am I supposed to tell
the judge when I'm hauled into the courts? 'A cat told me to do it'?"
He put his paws on my shoulders
and butted his head against my forehead. His tail coiled around my throat.
"Drop me in it and prison will be the least of your problems. I can behead
mice with one bite. I wouldn't be that kind to you. And when you finally die,
I'll eat your corpse. I'll have such a delectable feast there'll be nothing
worth burying."
Marvellous. Not only was I
talking to a cat, I was talking to a psychologically unstable criminal
mastermind. Why couldn't he have been a dog?
He sat on the wall. "There's
a pet shop over the road. Swipe a pirate hat and boots for me."
"Are you going to make me
steal you a galleon as well? Can't I pay with my ill-gotten gains?"
He stared hard at me until I
surrendered. He followed me into the pet shop and jumped onto the counter,
parading back and forth. While the cashier was distracted, I stole a hat and
two pairs of boots from the boutique section. As I was leaving, Mephistopheles
snatched a collar from the counter and ran through the doors, setting off the
alarm. I hurried out then he returned the collar.
"You don't want that?"
I asked.
"It's not in your
size." He marched off.
We went around the corner then I
showed him the stolen items. He stepped into the boots and made me put the hat
on his head. He approached a shop window and walked up and down, admiring his
reflection.
"I look the business ! I don't suppose they had a
sword?"
"Why would a pet shop have a
sword?"
"I'd look so badass with a
sword."
He moaned on and on about the damn sword until
I went into a home shop and stole a dagger shaped letter opener. He gripped it
in his tail and strutted proudly, occasionally threatening toddlers in buggies
with it.
I spent the rest of the day stealing
people's wallets, iPhones and even a laptop before handing them back for a
reward. By the time I returned home the next morning, I was exhausted,
guilt-ridden and richer than I was yesterday. Rob didn't acknowledge
Mephistopheles when we entered.
"What are you doing with
that stuff?" He indicated to the bowl, bed and box of cat food in my arms.
"It's for my cat,
Mephistopheles."
"Aren't you too old for an
imaginary pet?"
"I found him."
"I'm not having a cat
covering the place
police cell and I was proud of that. I stopped by the table and glanced back.
Mephistopheles rubbed his chin against the corner of the wall and flicked his
tail.
"Um." I might as well
write 'GUILTY' all over my naked body and dance through the streets shaking
maracas. "I uh saw a guy take your wallet." I dropped it on the
table. "I got it back for you."
I swore my heart stopped. I
jammed my trembling hands in my pockets, feeling sick. Mephistopheles sat
neatly on the pavement, looking unimpressed.
"Thank you! I didn't even
notice! Here, let me give you something."
"No, it's fine."
"I insist. It's rare to find
someone so honest."
I bit my lip, my stomach
clenching. He opened his wallet and gave me twenty pounds.
"No, really, I don't need
it."
"Please take it. The wallet
was a gift from my father. I would've been devastated if I'd lost it."
I thanked him and scuttled off,
guilt burning a hole in my guts. Mephistopheles chased me.
"Wow you're not so dumb
after all. There was me thinking brains in humans were an optional extra."
"Why did you make me do
that? I can't take his money. I'm giving it back."
Mephistopheles jumped onto a nearby
wall and slapped me across the face. Claws extended. "Listen punk. I've
adopted you as my...how can I put this? 'Dogsbody' sounds so demeaning. Carer.
I expect you to provide me with a home, food and a warm bed. Everything you're
about to lose. So unless you want to spend the rest of your life sleeping in a
cardboard box and giving sexual favours to ugly, pathetic men in exchange for
whatever toxin you'll get addicted to, to help you escape your shitty life,
you'll do as I say."
"What am I supposed to tell
the judge when I'm hauled into the courts? 'A cat told me to do it'?"
He put his paws on my shoulders
and butted his head against my forehead. His tail coiled around my throat.
"Drop me in it and prison will be the least of your problems. I can behead
mice with one bite. I wouldn't be that kind to you. And when you finally die,
I'll eat your corpse. I'll have such a delectable feast there'll be nothing
worth burying."
Marvellous. Not only was I
talking to a cat, I was talking to a psychologically unstable criminal
mastermind. Why couldn't he have been a dog?
He sat on the wall. "There's
a pet shop over the road. Swipe a pirate hat and boots for me."
"Are you going to make me
steal you a galleon as well? Can't I pay with my ill-gotten gains?"
He stared hard at me until I
surrendered. He followed me into the pet shop and jumped onto the counter,
parading back and forth. While the cashier was distracted, I stole a hat and
two pairs of boots from the boutique section. As I was leaving, Mephistopheles
snatched a collar from the counter and ran through the doors, setting off the
alarm. I hurried out then he returned the collar.
"You don't want that?"
I asked.
"It's not in your
size." He marched off.
We went around the corner then I
showed him the stolen items. He stepped into the boots and made me put the hat
on his head. He approached a shop window and walked up and down, admiring his
reflection.
"I look the business ! I don't suppose they had a
sword?"
"Why would a pet shop have a
sword?"
"I'd look so badass with a
sword."
He moaned on and on about the damn sword until
I went into a home shop and stole a dagger shaped letter opener. He gripped it
in his tail and strutted proudly, occasionally threatening toddlers in buggies
with it.
I spent the rest of the day stealing
people's wallets, iPhones and even a laptop before handing them back for a
reward. By the time I returned home the next morning, I was exhausted,
guilt-ridden and richer than I was yesterday. Rob didn't acknowledge
Mephistopheles when we entered.
"What are you doing with
that stuff?" He indicated to the bowl, bed and box of cat food in my arms.
"It's for my cat,
Mephistopheles."
"Aren't you too old for an
imaginary pet?"
"I found him."
"I'm not having a cat
covering the place
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