Puss." I tickled
his head.
"Don't be so condescending."
He slapped my hand away.
"I think I drank too much at
the wake." I examined the claw holes on my hand.
"The wake comes after the funeral, dumbass. Frankly it's
the only reason people bother showing up to these things. They're so depressing ."
"Wonderful. Nineteen years
of living with an abusive narcissist and when he's finally rotting in the
ground, now I get to escape into a
fantasy world? Maybe my metal plate has caused a malfunction."
"Dude, I'm a cat. They don't
let cats take psychology degrees, so don't start telling me your life's
problems. I'm not running a suicide helpline. Wait, I'm getting
something." He waved one paw, like he was batting moths. "My superior
senses tell me...you're a jerk." He poked his tongue out.
"I'm finally rid of that
child beating monster, my brother's just screwed me over and now a cat's
talking to me."
"I'd say this is the best
thing that's ever happened to you, given those examples." I looked at him.
He stared straight back, looking bored. "I can make you rich."
" Cats are running pyramid schemes now? Why am I not surprised? You are the psychopaths of the animal
kingdom."
"If cats are psychopaths,
dogs are sociopaths. You humans really think they like you with their tail
wagging and smiles? They think you're idiots. Now. How about letting me help
you?"
"Fine, come with me. But I'm
giving you a name. How 'bout Patches?"
He glared. "How about I call you Fat Arse?"
"What the fuck?"
"Oh I'm sorry, I assumed
because you named me by my most
obvious feature, I would be allowed to return the compliment."
I rubbed my forehead. I was
definitely losing it. "I don't have a fat arse."
"Dude, you're so skinny, if
you walked across a cattle grid, you'd fall down it. Your arse is the only
thing that stops you looking like a pencil."
"Choose your own damn name
then."
"Mephistopheles."
I walked on. "C'mon on Meph ." I whistled.
"Don't call me that, it
makes me sound like a programme for smackheads ."
He trotted ahead of me, his tail
waving like a flag of victory. The rain made the graveyard bleak and
depressing. Raindrops splashed the headstones like a million tears from
sky-bound spirits.
"Aidan! You coming?"
Rob gestured to the funeral limo.
I flipped him off. "There's
your RSVP."
Mephistopheles turned around
impatiently.
I followed him out of the
cemetery and along the pavement. If I caught up, he'd walk away, pretending he
wasn't with me. Rain snaked down my back. I shivered and hitched my jeans up.
The cuffs were wet.
"I'm going to teach you how
to survive on the streets," Mephistopheles said.
"I have a home."
"Not for much longer. See
that businessman?" He tilted his head in a portly man's direction. He was
sitting outside a café. "Take his wallet."
"No!"
"Dude, you can't afford morals. Hell you can't even
afford a pack of Jelly Babies. Go and steal his wallet. It's right by his
side."
"What if I'm caught?"
"You'll have a bed, a roof
and food provided by Her Majesty's Pleasure. Win-win."
He trotted over to the café. I
looked around then followed, sweat prickling my underarms. Mephistopheles
rubbed his face against the man's leg then stood up and put his paws on the
chair, purring. The man ignored him.
"Dude, now!"
I grabbed the wallet as I passed.
Mephistopheles purred louder, then bit the man's wrist and fled. My heart
pounded as I rounded the corner. Mephistopheles joined me from the other
direction.
"Good work grasshopper. Now
give it back."
"You just made me steal
it!"
"Nobody put a gun to your
head. How the hell do humans live so long? You're rejects. Nature clearly
evolved you for a joke . Give the fat
man his wallet, tell him you saw someone steal it and you retrieved it."
I wiped my sweaty hands on my
jeans. Mephistopheles used my leg as a scratching post until I surrendered and
walked back to the café, certain everyone was staring and knew my guilty
secret. I tried swallowing but my mouth was dry.
his head.
"Don't be so condescending."
He slapped my hand away.
"I think I drank too much at
the wake." I examined the claw holes on my hand.
"The wake comes after the funeral, dumbass. Frankly it's
the only reason people bother showing up to these things. They're so depressing ."
"Wonderful. Nineteen years
of living with an abusive narcissist and when he's finally rotting in the
ground, now I get to escape into a
fantasy world? Maybe my metal plate has caused a malfunction."
"Dude, I'm a cat. They don't
let cats take psychology degrees, so don't start telling me your life's
problems. I'm not running a suicide helpline. Wait, I'm getting
something." He waved one paw, like he was batting moths. "My superior
senses tell me...you're a jerk." He poked his tongue out.
"I'm finally rid of that
child beating monster, my brother's just screwed me over and now a cat's
talking to me."
"I'd say this is the best
thing that's ever happened to you, given those examples." I looked at him.
He stared straight back, looking bored. "I can make you rich."
" Cats are running pyramid schemes now? Why am I not surprised? You are the psychopaths of the animal
kingdom."
"If cats are psychopaths,
dogs are sociopaths. You humans really think they like you with their tail
wagging and smiles? They think you're idiots. Now. How about letting me help
you?"
"Fine, come with me. But I'm
giving you a name. How 'bout Patches?"
He glared. "How about I call you Fat Arse?"
"What the fuck?"
"Oh I'm sorry, I assumed
because you named me by my most
obvious feature, I would be allowed to return the compliment."
I rubbed my forehead. I was
definitely losing it. "I don't have a fat arse."
"Dude, you're so skinny, if
you walked across a cattle grid, you'd fall down it. Your arse is the only
thing that stops you looking like a pencil."
"Choose your own damn name
then."
"Mephistopheles."
I walked on. "C'mon on Meph ." I whistled.
"Don't call me that, it
makes me sound like a programme for smackheads ."
He trotted ahead of me, his tail
waving like a flag of victory. The rain made the graveyard bleak and
depressing. Raindrops splashed the headstones like a million tears from
sky-bound spirits.
"Aidan! You coming?"
Rob gestured to the funeral limo.
I flipped him off. "There's
your RSVP."
Mephistopheles turned around
impatiently.
I followed him out of the
cemetery and along the pavement. If I caught up, he'd walk away, pretending he
wasn't with me. Rain snaked down my back. I shivered and hitched my jeans up.
The cuffs were wet.
"I'm going to teach you how
to survive on the streets," Mephistopheles said.
"I have a home."
"Not for much longer. See
that businessman?" He tilted his head in a portly man's direction. He was
sitting outside a café. "Take his wallet."
"No!"
"Dude, you can't afford morals. Hell you can't even
afford a pack of Jelly Babies. Go and steal his wallet. It's right by his
side."
"What if I'm caught?"
"You'll have a bed, a roof
and food provided by Her Majesty's Pleasure. Win-win."
He trotted over to the café. I
looked around then followed, sweat prickling my underarms. Mephistopheles
rubbed his face against the man's leg then stood up and put his paws on the
chair, purring. The man ignored him.
"Dude, now!"
I grabbed the wallet as I passed.
Mephistopheles purred louder, then bit the man's wrist and fled. My heart
pounded as I rounded the corner. Mephistopheles joined me from the other
direction.
"Good work grasshopper. Now
give it back."
"You just made me steal
it!"
"Nobody put a gun to your
head. How the hell do humans live so long? You're rejects. Nature clearly
evolved you for a joke . Give the fat
man his wallet, tell him you saw someone steal it and you retrieved it."
I wiped my sweaty hands on my
jeans. Mephistopheles used my leg as a scratching post until I surrendered and
walked back to the café, certain everyone was staring and knew my guilty
secret. I tried swallowing but my mouth was dry.
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