ladder, Mr. Levine.”
It was hard to argue it wasn’t an improvement on skunk ape porn.
Lester looked like he’d been slapped.
“You … you never told me ‘bout this, Lizzie. I thought I was your manager?”
She dismissed him with a flap of her hand.
“Well, it mightn’t ever happen now,” she said. “Everything’s all hanging in the balance. ‘Cause ever since people started saying Lester killed Ned, they been looking at me all fishy-eyed too. Now the nice man from Austin, Texas says he won’t sign me till after everything’s straightened out. And if that means I’ve gotta catch me a skunk ape, then by God damn it, that’s what I’m gonna do.”
I held up my hands in surrender.
Salisbury preened his beard, chewing things over. “I suppose I could use some extra hands,” he decided. “Judging by the footage, we’re looking at a seven-footer … That’s a whole lot of hominid.”
Lester realized everyone was looking at him and lowered the beer can from his lips. “What?” Then he cottoned on and glared at Eliza. “Well, thank you very much, girl. I’m gonna look like some kinda pussy I don’t tag along too!” He angrily chugged the rest of his beer. “Alright … Fuck it, let’s go.”
9.
“Has the world gone batshit crazy?” Walt said, watching from behind the
slab as I inventoried my camping gear on the barroom floor.
“You told me to keep an eye on Eliza,” I said.
“That was before I knew she planned on leaving me in the lurch to go make another stag movie.”
“She’s hardly leaving you in the lurch. You’ve got plenty other girls.”
“She broke her word to me, Reggie. She promised me she wasn’t going to make those movies anymore.”
“The way I see it, she can do what she wants. You’re not her daddy, Walt.”
He looked away.
“Shit,” I said, “are you?”
Walt gave a burdened sigh. “Can’t say for sure. But I got my suspicions. Let’s just say I once knew Eliza’s momma. You know … intimately . And more than once, come to think of it.” Walt drifted away. “Henrietta-Sue …” he murmured wistfully. “Goddamn, she could dance … Just like little Eliza.”
I knew where this was leading, and now wasn’t the time for one of Walt’s Penthouse Forum stories; Salisbury was waiting with the others in the Minnie Winnie.
I slung the strap of my camping bag over my shoulder.
“Walt,” I said, “I’ve gotta get.”
“It should be me going with her,” Walt said, suddenly looking very old.
“I’ll make sure nothing happens to her,” I promised him.
“You’re a good man, Reggie.”
“I reckon I have my moments. But I’m not doing this just for you and your maybe-daughter.” Walt cocked an eyebrow. “Think about it. All this time we’ve thought the Bigelow Skunk Ape was just a myth. And who the hell knows, maybe it is. But what if it isn’t? Then that’s a whole new species we’ve discovered.”
“Maybe you can name it after Lester? Swashus Retardus .”
“This could be history in the making, Walt!”
“Just what the world needs,” Walt said, “a man-eating monster that smells like a septic tank. You just watch your ass out there, son.”
He’d never called me that before; I choked down a lump in my throat.
Then I said, “You, uh … you didn’t know my momma, did you, Walt?”
He waggled his eyebrows. “Just a turn of phrase.”
I breathed a sigh of relief, we shook hands, and then I headed for the door.
“Reggie, wait—”
Walt fetched the shotgun from under the slab. I took it with a grim nod of thanks. “Mind yourself around Salisbury,” he said. “I don’t trust him.”
Of course, Walt didn’t trust his own mother.
“I’ll see you, Walt.”
“How long will you be gone?”
“Can’t speak for Salisbury,” I said, “but Lester and Eliza? One night in those Sticks and they’ll be begging to come home. Two nights tops, I reckon. Any longer than that … ?” I gave my best shit-eating grin.
It was hard to argue it wasn’t an improvement on skunk ape porn.
Lester looked like he’d been slapped.
“You … you never told me ‘bout this, Lizzie. I thought I was your manager?”
She dismissed him with a flap of her hand.
“Well, it mightn’t ever happen now,” she said. “Everything’s all hanging in the balance. ‘Cause ever since people started saying Lester killed Ned, they been looking at me all fishy-eyed too. Now the nice man from Austin, Texas says he won’t sign me till after everything’s straightened out. And if that means I’ve gotta catch me a skunk ape, then by God damn it, that’s what I’m gonna do.”
I held up my hands in surrender.
Salisbury preened his beard, chewing things over. “I suppose I could use some extra hands,” he decided. “Judging by the footage, we’re looking at a seven-footer … That’s a whole lot of hominid.”
Lester realized everyone was looking at him and lowered the beer can from his lips. “What?” Then he cottoned on and glared at Eliza. “Well, thank you very much, girl. I’m gonna look like some kinda pussy I don’t tag along too!” He angrily chugged the rest of his beer. “Alright … Fuck it, let’s go.”
9.
“Has the world gone batshit crazy?” Walt said, watching from behind the
slab as I inventoried my camping gear on the barroom floor.
“You told me to keep an eye on Eliza,” I said.
“That was before I knew she planned on leaving me in the lurch to go make another stag movie.”
“She’s hardly leaving you in the lurch. You’ve got plenty other girls.”
“She broke her word to me, Reggie. She promised me she wasn’t going to make those movies anymore.”
“The way I see it, she can do what she wants. You’re not her daddy, Walt.”
He looked away.
“Shit,” I said, “are you?”
Walt gave a burdened sigh. “Can’t say for sure. But I got my suspicions. Let’s just say I once knew Eliza’s momma. You know … intimately . And more than once, come to think of it.” Walt drifted away. “Henrietta-Sue …” he murmured wistfully. “Goddamn, she could dance … Just like little Eliza.”
I knew where this was leading, and now wasn’t the time for one of Walt’s Penthouse Forum stories; Salisbury was waiting with the others in the Minnie Winnie.
I slung the strap of my camping bag over my shoulder.
“Walt,” I said, “I’ve gotta get.”
“It should be me going with her,” Walt said, suddenly looking very old.
“I’ll make sure nothing happens to her,” I promised him.
“You’re a good man, Reggie.”
“I reckon I have my moments. But I’m not doing this just for you and your maybe-daughter.” Walt cocked an eyebrow. “Think about it. All this time we’ve thought the Bigelow Skunk Ape was just a myth. And who the hell knows, maybe it is. But what if it isn’t? Then that’s a whole new species we’ve discovered.”
“Maybe you can name it after Lester? Swashus Retardus .”
“This could be history in the making, Walt!”
“Just what the world needs,” Walt said, “a man-eating monster that smells like a septic tank. You just watch your ass out there, son.”
He’d never called me that before; I choked down a lump in my throat.
Then I said, “You, uh … you didn’t know my momma, did you, Walt?”
He waggled his eyebrows. “Just a turn of phrase.”
I breathed a sigh of relief, we shook hands, and then I headed for the door.
“Reggie, wait—”
Walt fetched the shotgun from under the slab. I took it with a grim nod of thanks. “Mind yourself around Salisbury,” he said. “I don’t trust him.”
Of course, Walt didn’t trust his own mother.
“I’ll see you, Walt.”
“How long will you be gone?”
“Can’t speak for Salisbury,” I said, “but Lester and Eliza? One night in those Sticks and they’ll be begging to come home. Two nights tops, I reckon. Any longer than that … ?” I gave my best shit-eating grin.
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