Read Online Diary of a Wanted Woman by Donnee Patrese - Free Book Online

appointment.”
    He didn’t let me go.
    “Don’t leave baby. I know you have a few more minutes. This is the last time I get to see you for a while. I have two away games back to back.”
    I didn’t move but I was uncomfortable there.
    ‘I didn’t mean to upset you babe. I just want to do things for you. I want to be with you. I don’t see why that is so bad.”
    My bitterness began to betray me.
    “David, have you thought that maybe I’m not a good woman?” I mumbled under my breath.
    “That never crossed my mind because it’s not true.”
    I smiled.
    “How do you know?”
    He pulled me back against him wrapping his arms around me once again.
    “I have known you for ten years. You are sweet, kind, a little moody, but an incredible woman and person.…,”
    “You’ve known me as a friend David but not as a girlfriend. I’m a terrible girlfriend,” I interrupted.
    He paused for a second.
    “I find that hard to believe.”
    “It’s the truth.”
    “It’s not the truth.”
    I laughed.
    “I’m flattered David that you have so much faith in me but I want to spare you the heartache. I can’t be faithful.”
    “You haven’t met the right man. If the right man came along like me, I think you could be faithful,” he said.
    We were quiet for a minute. He caught me off guard. I didn’t know how to respond. Maybe I should have thought it through more before I actually opened my mouth.
    “You don’t have to worry about that because I would never be in a relationship with you,” I said laughing.
    I didn’t mean that he was not worth my time I just meant that I didn’t want to ruin the friendship that we had or have to hide and run from his sister if she ever found out.
    I could tell what I said angered him. He was quiet for a few minutes.
    Finally he released me from his grasp and practically pushed me from his lap. He stood and walked toward his bedroom door.
    “You’re going to be late for your meeting,” he said walking out the room in a hurry.
    I just sat back down on the couch. It was no way that I could deny it anymore. I am not dumb. He wants something more from me than what I am willing to give.

    This changes things.

Dear Diary ,
     
    Masochism.
    It was a word that I had never thought of and would never have thought to use it to describe what I fantasized about.
    I have been told that you can never know someone completely.
    You can never really know who they really are.
    I could say that I knew that statement to be true. I knew there were so many people that did not know me as well as they thought they did. I had so many skeletons in my closet that I’ve started to bury them in the back yard.
    Yet, I never thought that there would be things about myself that I had yet to discover.
    What if you never really know yourself?
    Is that even possible?
    Who would know you better than you?
    I didn’t think there were still things that I could learn about myself.
    A masochist is a person who is gratified by pain or degradation self-imposed or imposed by others. It was someone that finds pleasure in self-denial or submissiveness.
    I didn’t know that I could enjoy being in pain so much. I never knew there was such a thin line between pleasure and pain and I would enjoy riding the line.
    When I was younger I felt nothing but pain, physical and emotional. So when I was an adult I was obsessed with pleasure and focused my time on seeking out men that could give me that pleasure.
    I never knew that putting the two together would give me such a euphoric sense of being.
    They say there are people that can bring out the best in you. I have yet to meet that person but I have discovered there is someone that can take all the monsters in my head and materialize them right before my eyes.
    Keith brought something out in me that I didn’t know existed. I came alive when he made me suffer. I was willing to do anything to feel him abuse me or treat me like shit.
    It was something that when it was done and over