Read Online Diary of a Mad Bride by Laura Wolf - Free Book Online

anyone? If you’re going to overdo it, at least do it right. Like Mandy. If you’re going to act like a princess, then dress like one. Which she did. Right down to her ten-foot train that everyone stepped on. But she looked radiant.
    The more weddings I see the more I thank God that I’ve got common sense. More is not necessarily better. Sometimes more is just annoying. The floral centerpieces, those damn out-of-season Holland tulips at 15.78 percent over their original quote, were so big that we couldn’t see across our table.
    And the entrees. Would you like fish or meat? The grilledsalmon or the beef medallions? How obvious. Where’s the thought? The creativity?
    And I know Stephen feels the same way. We simultaneously reached for each other’s hand when the horse-drawn carriage appeared.
    ME
    Be afraid. Be very afraid.
    STEPHEN
    Trust me. I am.
    And as one of the horses began to neigh uncontrollably, Stephen looked into my eyes, desperate.
    STEPHEN
    Please tell me you don’t want livestock at our wedding. Because honestly, I don’t think I could take the pressure.
    Stephen can relax. The only animal at our wedding will be that jackass brother of his. In fact, Mandy’s wedding really drove home how much I value Stephen and his down-to-earth sensibilities. It even helped me make peace with my engagement ring. So it’s no marquis-cut diamond. Big whoop. It’s stunning and it’s unique.

september 22nd
    A recent poll of my friends, presented as a potential story idea for the magazine, revealed what I suspected: My wedding proposal stank.
    Margo: Husband delivered a personalized fortune cookieto her at a Chinese restaurant. Done before? Sure. But it demonstrates good planning skills.
    Mandy: Jon presented her with a two-carat diamond ring while they were watching the Boston regatta from his parents’ waterfront penthouse. Proves the old adage: Birds of a feather…
    Lisa: Hand in marriage asked for at Café des Artistes. No particular creativity, but illustrates ability to choose romantic locale.
    Meghan: Got engaged while ice-skating at Rockefeller Center. Displays romance, youthful charm, and a solid knowledge of cheesy eighties movies such as
Ice Castles.
    Jessica: Husband proposed during a picnic lunch in an apple orchard. It doesn’t get more Hallmark.
    And then there’s my SECRET SHAME…
    Amy: The Multiplex Concession Stand Proposal.
    Sure Stephen got down on his knee, and yes, we skipped the movie and celebrated with a nice dinner, but is this really the tale you want to tell for generations to come? Me, Stephen, and the unmistakable stench of stale popcorn? And it wasn’t spur-of-the-moment. By his own account, this man who thrives on spontaneity had been planning it for months. He
chose
to ask me on the candy line. What does that say about him? What does it say about me?

september 23rd
    S tephen and I have come up with a tentative guest list of seventy people, which I think is a nice intimate group for a meaningful experience. The last thing I want is one of those impersonal functions like Mandy’s extravaganza where you’re not sure whose wedding you’re at.
    “Did we take a wrong turn? Was it Ballroom Number One or Number Two?”
    “Is this the Henson wedding or the Lieberman bar mitzvah?”
    Size is especially important, since
BB
says the bride and groom are expected to personally thank each guest for attending the wedding. Smile and shake hands. Smile and shake hands. This would explain why Mandy was wearing a wrist guard by the end of her wedding. But there’s no way I’m spending my big day shaking 250 hands. Not a chance. I won’t have time to eat my pumpkin bisque.
    Lobster risotto. Asparagus ravioli?
    Our guest list includes friends and family, and allows everyone to bring their spouse or significant other. We decided that if someone’s not seriously involved and they know other guests, then single folks will be invited alone. There’s no reason to subsidize someone’s dating life.