I’m determined. I just have to be smart about it. Maybe I can look up what people in similar situations have done online. I have to start somewhere, and soon. After last night, I can’t keep wishing all the bad stuff will magically disappear, I have to take action.
*****
S tepping out onto the sand is glorious. I wiggle my toes in the warmth and let the salty air soak into my skin. I breathe in deeply, and the atmosphere all around helps to cleanse my soul. Ricky squeals in delight as he jumps the waves in the shallows and that helps to heal my broken heart. I wish I could stay here forever. It’s more than my happy place, it’s my life saver. It makes me see how much beauty is out in the world. Makes me see the point, why life’s worth living.
We wade in deep and I hold my arm under Ricky so we are both floating over the swells.
“Mummy can we stay here? Why do we have to go home and be sad? I want to stay here and have fun, see you smile.” He both breaks my heart and fills it back up again.
“We can’t stay here forever, we aren’t mermaids. We need the land,” I joke. How do I tell a five year old, we have to endure our tough life a little longer while, I work things out? That when we do leave, I want it to be permanent, so we don’t have to crawl back for money and shelter? I tease, “I’m awfully fond of sushi though, and there’s plenty of raw fish in the sea. So maybe we can drift a little longer.”
“You’re so silly,” he giggles. “I don’t like fish and we don’t have tails, we better go back to the sand.”
We go back in and I build a mermaid tail around his legs in the sand. Hundreds of people mill around the beach, everyone I’m sure with their own problems. Ours become smaller while we are one of the many, almost forgotten for now. By the time we make it home, I’m revived enough to cope with visitors for the night. To don the mask I wear most of the time, even if it slowly is getting more and more cracks in it. I will have to hope it holds up my disguise for just a bit longer.
*****
T anya and Alex arrive about an hour after Ricky and I get home from the beach. I’m glad it’s them and not any of Joseph’s other friends. Alex is a bit of a dick, but not nearly as arrogant and pig-headed as some of Joseph’s other friends, and Tanya and I actually get along pretty well. I enjoy her company for the most part, however, she can be a little wild and test the guy’s limits when we all hang out, but she is a lot of fun.
Ricky sits on the couch playing with his iPad and Alex and Joseph start up the barbeque while Tanya and I catch up. “I’m in the mood for some dancing,” she says with a wiggle of her hips. “Let’s put some tunes on and pop a bottle of wine while the men tend to the barbeque.” Tanya makes herself at home and loads her iPod onto the dock. She’s only been here a couple of times, but she’s just that type of girl, relaxed anywhere in any situation.
A Katy Perry song starts belting through the speakers and I see Joseph’s jaw clench in frustration, he doesn’t say anything in front of his friend though. Alex is far from annoyed when Tanya sashays up to him and does a little dance. Her blonde curls bounce around her perfectly made up face, her cute outfit accentuates her body and the way she moves it, in time with the music. Staring at her, I can’t help but think of how much I have let myself go into frumpy mum mode. I don’t make much of an effort these days, because no matter what I do, Joseph never seems to appreciate it anyway. I also question if anyone ever notices Joseph and I never appear to be a ‘couple’ around each other. We’re not even friendly, more like acquaintances.
“Don’t just stand there woman, get us men a beer,” Joseph bellows, bringing me out of my sombre thoughts.
Tanya bumps her hip purposefully into Joseph. “Hey, why don’t you get your own beer? You’ve got two hands,” she chastises.
Joseph takes a deep
*****
S tepping out onto the sand is glorious. I wiggle my toes in the warmth and let the salty air soak into my skin. I breathe in deeply, and the atmosphere all around helps to cleanse my soul. Ricky squeals in delight as he jumps the waves in the shallows and that helps to heal my broken heart. I wish I could stay here forever. It’s more than my happy place, it’s my life saver. It makes me see how much beauty is out in the world. Makes me see the point, why life’s worth living.
We wade in deep and I hold my arm under Ricky so we are both floating over the swells.
“Mummy can we stay here? Why do we have to go home and be sad? I want to stay here and have fun, see you smile.” He both breaks my heart and fills it back up again.
“We can’t stay here forever, we aren’t mermaids. We need the land,” I joke. How do I tell a five year old, we have to endure our tough life a little longer while, I work things out? That when we do leave, I want it to be permanent, so we don’t have to crawl back for money and shelter? I tease, “I’m awfully fond of sushi though, and there’s plenty of raw fish in the sea. So maybe we can drift a little longer.”
“You’re so silly,” he giggles. “I don’t like fish and we don’t have tails, we better go back to the sand.”
We go back in and I build a mermaid tail around his legs in the sand. Hundreds of people mill around the beach, everyone I’m sure with their own problems. Ours become smaller while we are one of the many, almost forgotten for now. By the time we make it home, I’m revived enough to cope with visitors for the night. To don the mask I wear most of the time, even if it slowly is getting more and more cracks in it. I will have to hope it holds up my disguise for just a bit longer.
*****
T anya and Alex arrive about an hour after Ricky and I get home from the beach. I’m glad it’s them and not any of Joseph’s other friends. Alex is a bit of a dick, but not nearly as arrogant and pig-headed as some of Joseph’s other friends, and Tanya and I actually get along pretty well. I enjoy her company for the most part, however, she can be a little wild and test the guy’s limits when we all hang out, but she is a lot of fun.
Ricky sits on the couch playing with his iPad and Alex and Joseph start up the barbeque while Tanya and I catch up. “I’m in the mood for some dancing,” she says with a wiggle of her hips. “Let’s put some tunes on and pop a bottle of wine while the men tend to the barbeque.” Tanya makes herself at home and loads her iPod onto the dock. She’s only been here a couple of times, but she’s just that type of girl, relaxed anywhere in any situation.
A Katy Perry song starts belting through the speakers and I see Joseph’s jaw clench in frustration, he doesn’t say anything in front of his friend though. Alex is far from annoyed when Tanya sashays up to him and does a little dance. Her blonde curls bounce around her perfectly made up face, her cute outfit accentuates her body and the way she moves it, in time with the music. Staring at her, I can’t help but think of how much I have let myself go into frumpy mum mode. I don’t make much of an effort these days, because no matter what I do, Joseph never seems to appreciate it anyway. I also question if anyone ever notices Joseph and I never appear to be a ‘couple’ around each other. We’re not even friendly, more like acquaintances.
“Don’t just stand there woman, get us men a beer,” Joseph bellows, bringing me out of my sombre thoughts.
Tanya bumps her hip purposefully into Joseph. “Hey, why don’t you get your own beer? You’ve got two hands,” she chastises.
Joseph takes a deep
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