little dizzy. Tequila shots. Haha.”
Tequila? I’ve never seen her drink anything like that. She’s evading my question. Do I push her?
“Alex,” she pauses and takes a deep breath, “what are we doing here?”
She’s avoiding my question, but I don’t pry.
“Old friends just catching up,” I respond, but we aren’t old friends. What the hell made me say that? I want to tell her that I made a mistake. That I never should have left her the way that I did. I should have given her the chance to explain to me what really happened with Seth. I should have given her the benefit of the doubt, despite what I saw. I loved her too much to do what I did. But I don’t say any of this as she looks into my eyes.
“We’re not old friends,” she whispers, her eyes glistening with tears. She shifts in her seat. “I’m gonna go. I’m drunk and tired, and this all feels pretend. You know? None of this is real right now, so I’m going to go home and go to sleep. Pretend like none of this happened.” She stands up and walks away.
What? It’s not real? She doesn’t feel what I’m feeling right now? I can’t believe this. I look up and she’s already halfway across the bar. Shit.
Garrett and Dax look up from their booth with questioning eyes. I walk past without acknowledging them. She’s out the door by the time I catch up to her. Man, for a drunk girl in heels, she can walk fast!
“Tabs! Wait.” I huff as I stop jogging. I want to tell her that this is all real. That she’s all that I’ve thought about for more than two years. She has to believe me. I need to make her believe. She’s all that I want.
She slowly turns around and our eyes meet. “Please, Alex, please stop calling me Tabs. It’s too hard to hear.” She almost sounds resolved. Her eyes look blank but sad. “There isn’t an ‘us’ anymore. Goodnight.”
Her words tear into me like that fucking rake did so long ago. I feel gutted. My heart drops in my chest when the words she just spoke sink into me.
There isn’t an us anymore.
I suddenly don’t remember what she did to me. To us. I don’t want to remember because I just want to be with her. But her feelings are clear. I’m torn up and broken all over again.
I watch her walk away and I feel helpless. Empty.
I need her.
And for once, she doesn’t need me.
Present
Age 24
I’ M OUT of breath when I turn the key to my apartment because I practically ran home from the High Note. I can’t believe what this night turned into. I fully expected to see him there tonight, but what just happened? Kirsten and I were talking about Alex. She was grilling me on how I felt and how I was planning to tell him about Emily. When I spotted him in our booth, I got upset. She tried to get me to go over to see him several times. Then four shots of tequila later, I agreed. That was a mistake. Wasn’t it?
I just don’t know what he wants from me? He hates me, right? Tonight, he certainly didn’t act that way. He touched me. My knee still tingles where he had his hand. God, what is he doing to me? He seemed to want more, but does he really? Will he still when he hears the truth?
I kick off my shoes and stumble into the kitchen for some water. I drank way too much tonight and I need to hydrate before I go to bed. I spy the empty shot glasses and wince, feeling dizzy. Okay, no more tequila for a while. I grab them to wipe them off and notice the logos again. God, they remind me so much of Seth. My heart drops as I close my eyes and remember a conversation about him that I had with my social worker, Michelle, after Emily was born.
My cell phone rings and I don’t want to answer it. It’s only been a few days since I gave Emily up, and I just don’t have it in me to talk to anyone right now. I glance at the caller ID and recognize the number. Michelle, my social worker. Reluctantly, I answer the phone.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Tabitha. It’s Michelle. Listen, do you have a few minutes? I’d
Tequila? I’ve never seen her drink anything like that. She’s evading my question. Do I push her?
“Alex,” she pauses and takes a deep breath, “what are we doing here?”
She’s avoiding my question, but I don’t pry.
“Old friends just catching up,” I respond, but we aren’t old friends. What the hell made me say that? I want to tell her that I made a mistake. That I never should have left her the way that I did. I should have given her the chance to explain to me what really happened with Seth. I should have given her the benefit of the doubt, despite what I saw. I loved her too much to do what I did. But I don’t say any of this as she looks into my eyes.
“We’re not old friends,” she whispers, her eyes glistening with tears. She shifts in her seat. “I’m gonna go. I’m drunk and tired, and this all feels pretend. You know? None of this is real right now, so I’m going to go home and go to sleep. Pretend like none of this happened.” She stands up and walks away.
What? It’s not real? She doesn’t feel what I’m feeling right now? I can’t believe this. I look up and she’s already halfway across the bar. Shit.
Garrett and Dax look up from their booth with questioning eyes. I walk past without acknowledging them. She’s out the door by the time I catch up to her. Man, for a drunk girl in heels, she can walk fast!
“Tabs! Wait.” I huff as I stop jogging. I want to tell her that this is all real. That she’s all that I’ve thought about for more than two years. She has to believe me. I need to make her believe. She’s all that I want.
She slowly turns around and our eyes meet. “Please, Alex, please stop calling me Tabs. It’s too hard to hear.” She almost sounds resolved. Her eyes look blank but sad. “There isn’t an ‘us’ anymore. Goodnight.”
Her words tear into me like that fucking rake did so long ago. I feel gutted. My heart drops in my chest when the words she just spoke sink into me.
There isn’t an us anymore.
I suddenly don’t remember what she did to me. To us. I don’t want to remember because I just want to be with her. But her feelings are clear. I’m torn up and broken all over again.
I watch her walk away and I feel helpless. Empty.
I need her.
And for once, she doesn’t need me.
Present
Age 24
I’ M OUT of breath when I turn the key to my apartment because I practically ran home from the High Note. I can’t believe what this night turned into. I fully expected to see him there tonight, but what just happened? Kirsten and I were talking about Alex. She was grilling me on how I felt and how I was planning to tell him about Emily. When I spotted him in our booth, I got upset. She tried to get me to go over to see him several times. Then four shots of tequila later, I agreed. That was a mistake. Wasn’t it?
I just don’t know what he wants from me? He hates me, right? Tonight, he certainly didn’t act that way. He touched me. My knee still tingles where he had his hand. God, what is he doing to me? He seemed to want more, but does he really? Will he still when he hears the truth?
I kick off my shoes and stumble into the kitchen for some water. I drank way too much tonight and I need to hydrate before I go to bed. I spy the empty shot glasses and wince, feeling dizzy. Okay, no more tequila for a while. I grab them to wipe them off and notice the logos again. God, they remind me so much of Seth. My heart drops as I close my eyes and remember a conversation about him that I had with my social worker, Michelle, after Emily was born.
My cell phone rings and I don’t want to answer it. It’s only been a few days since I gave Emily up, and I just don’t have it in me to talk to anyone right now. I glance at the caller ID and recognize the number. Michelle, my social worker. Reluctantly, I answer the phone.
“Hello?”
“Hi, Tabitha. It’s Michelle. Listen, do you have a few minutes? I’d
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