Read Online Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need by Dave Barry - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Dave Barry
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“Pass the salt,” and they’ll say “Certainly! I used to pass the salt in Cambridge!” The major industries of Massachusetts are having comical accents and expecting the Red Sox to screw up.
Michigan
Michigan is best known for being the place where, in 1896, Henry Ford built the first commercially successful automobile, using parts manufactured by the Toyota Corporation. This resulted in Detroit, a modern dynamic city that is well worth flying over at a minimum altitude of seven miles. Michigan also contains the Great Lakes, five mighty bodies of water—Lake Michigan, Lake Superior, Lake Toledo, Lake Inferior, and the Mayor Earl T. Wonkerman Memorial Lake—which inspired the great eighteenth-century poet Henry Wadsworth Allan Poe to write the immortal “Song of Hiawatha”:
By the shores of Gitche Gumee;
By the shining Big-Sea water;
Strode the mighty Hiawatha;
In a frock he made from otter.
(Chorus)
Speaking of culture, the
World Book Encyclopedia
states that every year Michigan has a “Magic Get-Together” in a city named “Colon.” We definitely think you should check this out.
Minnesota
Minnesota has more than 10,000 lakes, which has earned it the proud nickname: “The Gopher State.” The major industries are (1) cows and (2) trying to get cars started, which is very difficult because the entire state is located inside the Arctic Circle. The largest and most dynamic city is Minneapolis (nickname: “St. Paul”), which boasts culture and some nice malls. Also there is a state fair where people make realistic sculptures entirely out of butter. And while you’re in Minnesota, be sure to take the whole family on the tour of the world-famous Mayo Clinic, where every visitor receives a free “take-home” souvenir spleen transplant. Minnesota’s Official State Office Supply is staples.
Mississippi
Mississippi has been unfairly portrayed in movies and TV shows as a backward, poorly educated state where the average resident has seventeen teeth and rides around in a pickup truck with a shotgun and a mongrel dog that scores higher on the SAT tests than the average resident. This is aterribly unfair stereotype. The actual truth is closer to nineteen teeth. No! Ha ha! We’re just kidding, Mississippi residents! Seriously, Mississippi is a dynamic and growing state, and many modern technological corporations are relocating there to take advantage of the ready availability of okra. Also Elvis was born in Tupelo, where you can visit his birthplace and possibly meet him in person. You’ll also want to visit one of the old plantations, where attractive hostesses dressed in authentic costumes explain the old traditional lifestyle and flog an authentic motorized replica of a slave. Mississippi’s Official State Motto is “Whoooo-EEEEE!”
Missouri
Missouri is called “The Show-Me State,” because that was the winner of the Dumbest State Nickname Contest, narrowly edging out “The Nanny Nanny Boo-Boo State.” The largest city is St. Louis, which features a 630-foot-tall stainless-steel arch, a monument to the early pioneers who came west with nothing but their wagons, their guns, their dreams, and their 630-foot-tall stainless-steel arches. Visitors may ride to the top of the arch, where, high above the Mississippi River, they will experience the thrill of wanting really badly to get the hell back down on the ground. At least that was how we felt. You’ll also want to go to visit Hannibal, the boyhood home of Samuel Clemens, who grew up, adopted a penname, and became one of Missouri’s, and America’s, most beloved characters: Harry Truman. Missouri is also dynamic.
Montana
When we think of Montana, the tourist attraction that of course immediately leaps into our minds is the maggot races at the Town Club Bar in Three Forks. We are not making these races up. The maggots are provided by a man named Darrel Rafferty, owner of Raffety’s Fish-bait Company, which sells tubes filled with maggots for bait.
Michigan
Michigan is best known for being the place where, in 1896, Henry Ford built the first commercially successful automobile, using parts manufactured by the Toyota Corporation. This resulted in Detroit, a modern dynamic city that is well worth flying over at a minimum altitude of seven miles. Michigan also contains the Great Lakes, five mighty bodies of water—Lake Michigan, Lake Superior, Lake Toledo, Lake Inferior, and the Mayor Earl T. Wonkerman Memorial Lake—which inspired the great eighteenth-century poet Henry Wadsworth Allan Poe to write the immortal “Song of Hiawatha”:
By the shores of Gitche Gumee;
By the shining Big-Sea water;
Strode the mighty Hiawatha;
In a frock he made from otter.
(Chorus)
Speaking of culture, the
World Book Encyclopedia
states that every year Michigan has a “Magic Get-Together” in a city named “Colon.” We definitely think you should check this out.
Minnesota
Minnesota has more than 10,000 lakes, which has earned it the proud nickname: “The Gopher State.” The major industries are (1) cows and (2) trying to get cars started, which is very difficult because the entire state is located inside the Arctic Circle. The largest and most dynamic city is Minneapolis (nickname: “St. Paul”), which boasts culture and some nice malls. Also there is a state fair where people make realistic sculptures entirely out of butter. And while you’re in Minnesota, be sure to take the whole family on the tour of the world-famous Mayo Clinic, where every visitor receives a free “take-home” souvenir spleen transplant. Minnesota’s Official State Office Supply is staples.
Mississippi
Mississippi has been unfairly portrayed in movies and TV shows as a backward, poorly educated state where the average resident has seventeen teeth and rides around in a pickup truck with a shotgun and a mongrel dog that scores higher on the SAT tests than the average resident. This is aterribly unfair stereotype. The actual truth is closer to nineteen teeth. No! Ha ha! We’re just kidding, Mississippi residents! Seriously, Mississippi is a dynamic and growing state, and many modern technological corporations are relocating there to take advantage of the ready availability of okra. Also Elvis was born in Tupelo, where you can visit his birthplace and possibly meet him in person. You’ll also want to visit one of the old plantations, where attractive hostesses dressed in authentic costumes explain the old traditional lifestyle and flog an authentic motorized replica of a slave. Mississippi’s Official State Motto is “Whoooo-EEEEE!”
Missouri
Missouri is called “The Show-Me State,” because that was the winner of the Dumbest State Nickname Contest, narrowly edging out “The Nanny Nanny Boo-Boo State.” The largest city is St. Louis, which features a 630-foot-tall stainless-steel arch, a monument to the early pioneers who came west with nothing but their wagons, their guns, their dreams, and their 630-foot-tall stainless-steel arches. Visitors may ride to the top of the arch, where, high above the Mississippi River, they will experience the thrill of wanting really badly to get the hell back down on the ground. At least that was how we felt. You’ll also want to go to visit Hannibal, the boyhood home of Samuel Clemens, who grew up, adopted a penname, and became one of Missouri’s, and America’s, most beloved characters: Harry Truman. Missouri is also dynamic.
Montana
When we think of Montana, the tourist attraction that of course immediately leaps into our minds is the maggot races at the Town Club Bar in Three Forks. We are not making these races up. The maggots are provided by a man named Darrel Rafferty, owner of Raffety’s Fish-bait Company, which sells tubes filled with maggots for bait.
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