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Authors: Dave Barry
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if the Reverend Jerry Falwell were to merely walk down the length of Bourbon Street,he would emerge at the other end with an overpowering desire to purchase leather underwear. 4 New Orleans also boasts a number of historic sites, the major one being Nick G. Castrogiovanni’s Original Big Train Bar, which is where, during the 1988 Republican convention, this author, for sound journalism reasons, drank a drink called “A Wild Night at the Capri Motel” out of a large styrofoam container shaped like a toilet.
CORRECTION:
We have been informed that New Orleans is not the state capital of Louisiana. New Orleans is the state capital of Utah. We regret the error .
Maine
During the warm season (August 8 and 9), Maine is a true “vacation paradise,” offering visitors a chance to jump into crystal-clear mountain lakes and see if they can get back out again before their bodily tissue is frozen as solid as a supermarket turkey. This dynamic climate has produced a hardy stock of local residents who at first seem a bit “standoffish,” although when you take thetime to get to know them, you will discover that many of them are actually dead. A major tourist attraction in Maine is Kenneth E. Bunkport IV, the quaint seaside town where George Bush, who is a fiend for recreation, often goes to throw horseshoes at fish from his golf cart. Maine also features numerous fascinating pine trees as well as an average annual precipitation. The Official State Boxed Movie Refreshment is Milk Duds.
Maryland
Maryland is a fast-growing state boasting a dynamic economy based on giving speeding tickets to people attempting to drive through. One of Maryland’s major attractions is the Chesapeake Bay, a crab-intensive body of water that gets its name from the Indian word “Cesapiq,” which means “Chesapeake.” Maryland also contains Baltimore, site of the historic Fort McHenry, where in 1812 Francis Scott Key wrote “The Star-Spangled Banner” to express the joy he felt after watching the Orioles defeat the Yankees in a critical American League East game. Maryland also boasts the nation’s first umbrella factory. Sometimes Maryland gets positively
obnoxious
, boasting about this. You’ll go to a bar where states hang out, and there will be Maryland, after about six shots of Wild Turkey, shouting, “Oh YEAH? Well, you wanna know who had the FIRST UMBRELLA FACTORY? Huh? LISTEN TO ME WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU!” TheOfficial State Sport of Maryland—we swear we are not making this one up, and we urge you to look it up if you don’t believe us—is jousting.
Massachusetts
Massachusetts (also an Indian word, meaning “place that is hard to spell”) is one of the most historic states in the union, which is why each year tens of thousands of visitors flock here, only to be killed in traffic. In Boston, the drivers refuse to obey even the laws of
physics
. This is the only place in the United States where the Driver’s Manual actually
shows you how to give people the finger. 5
But potential death is a small price to pay for the opportunity to visit the many Massachusetts historic sites that played such a vital role in the formation of our nation—sites such as Plymouth Rock, where the Pilgrims, grateful to have survived a difficult three-month sea crossing, knelt to throw up; and the steeple of the Old North Church, from which silversmith Paul Revere flashed the message that started the Revolutionary War (“Your silverware order is not ready yet”). Massachusetts is also the site of the nation’s first college, Harvard, which for more than three centuries has produced graduates who, no matter what their philosophical differences, are all dedicated to the lofty goal of subtly letting you know that they went to Harvard. They nevermention it directly. What they do is constantly work the name “Cambridge” into the conversation. You’ll say “Nice day,” and they’ll say “Yes! We had days like this in Cambridge!” Or you’ll say
CORRECTION:
We have been informed that New Orleans is not the state capital of Louisiana. New Orleans is the state capital of Utah. We regret the error .
Maine
During the warm season (August 8 and 9), Maine is a true “vacation paradise,” offering visitors a chance to jump into crystal-clear mountain lakes and see if they can get back out again before their bodily tissue is frozen as solid as a supermarket turkey. This dynamic climate has produced a hardy stock of local residents who at first seem a bit “standoffish,” although when you take thetime to get to know them, you will discover that many of them are actually dead. A major tourist attraction in Maine is Kenneth E. Bunkport IV, the quaint seaside town where George Bush, who is a fiend for recreation, often goes to throw horseshoes at fish from his golf cart. Maine also features numerous fascinating pine trees as well as an average annual precipitation. The Official State Boxed Movie Refreshment is Milk Duds.
Maryland
Maryland is a fast-growing state boasting a dynamic economy based on giving speeding tickets to people attempting to drive through. One of Maryland’s major attractions is the Chesapeake Bay, a crab-intensive body of water that gets its name from the Indian word “Cesapiq,” which means “Chesapeake.” Maryland also contains Baltimore, site of the historic Fort McHenry, where in 1812 Francis Scott Key wrote “The Star-Spangled Banner” to express the joy he felt after watching the Orioles defeat the Yankees in a critical American League East game. Maryland also boasts the nation’s first umbrella factory. Sometimes Maryland gets positively
obnoxious
, boasting about this. You’ll go to a bar where states hang out, and there will be Maryland, after about six shots of Wild Turkey, shouting, “Oh YEAH? Well, you wanna know who had the FIRST UMBRELLA FACTORY? Huh? LISTEN TO ME WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU!” TheOfficial State Sport of Maryland—we swear we are not making this one up, and we urge you to look it up if you don’t believe us—is jousting.
Massachusetts
Massachusetts (also an Indian word, meaning “place that is hard to spell”) is one of the most historic states in the union, which is why each year tens of thousands of visitors flock here, only to be killed in traffic. In Boston, the drivers refuse to obey even the laws of
physics
. This is the only place in the United States where the Driver’s Manual actually
shows you how to give people the finger. 5
But potential death is a small price to pay for the opportunity to visit the many Massachusetts historic sites that played such a vital role in the formation of our nation—sites such as Plymouth Rock, where the Pilgrims, grateful to have survived a difficult three-month sea crossing, knelt to throw up; and the steeple of the Old North Church, from which silversmith Paul Revere flashed the message that started the Revolutionary War (“Your silverware order is not ready yet”). Massachusetts is also the site of the nation’s first college, Harvard, which for more than three centuries has produced graduates who, no matter what their philosophical differences, are all dedicated to the lofty goal of subtly letting you know that they went to Harvard. They nevermention it directly. What they do is constantly work the name “Cambridge” into the conversation. You’ll say “Nice day,” and they’ll say “Yes! We had days like this in Cambridge!” Or you’ll say
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