Dave Barry's History of the Millennium (So Far)

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Authors: Dave Barry
most rudimentary volleyball equipment.”
    In other terrorist news, American Taliban fighter John Walker Lindh is hired as a marketing consultant by Major League Baseball.
    On a positive military note, specially trained U.S. forces score a major victory when, after days of brutal fighting, they capture what is believed to be the headquarters of Enron, although they acknowledge that there are probably “many smaller Enron cells still operating throughout the nation.” The stock market drops 87 points.
    Dave Thomas flips his last burger. In sports, Mike Tyson, appearing before the Nevada Athletic Commission to plead for a boxing license, expresses deep remorse for his past misbehavior, and informs the commissioners that if they turn him down he will have no option but to eat their children. The Department of Homeland Insecurity responds by placing the nation on a Code Fuchsia Alert (“Relatively High”).
    Speaking of effective tactics, the month of…
    â€¦opens with a World Economic Forum meeting in New York City, where angry protesters, determined to rid the world of poverty, hunger, disease, and pollution, attack the obvious root cause of all these problems: The Gap. In other economic news, Argentina, seeking to avert bankruptcy, makes a payment of $27.42 toward its Visa bill, currently $48 billion.
    In happier economic news, Americans enjoy the wacky and hilarious spectacle of Enron executives being sternly lectured about financial responsibility by members of the United States Congress. Meanwhile, President Bush, seeking to reassure Americans concerned about losing their retirement savings in the plunging stock market, proposes a bold series of federal initiatives designed to “develop nutritious, low-cost recipes using peanut butter.” The stock market drops 153 points.
    In the War on Terrorism, security personnel at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport wrestle would-be passenger Merline A. Grelpner, ninety-one, to the ground after an alert screener notices that she is carrying an object that is later confirmed, by the FBI, using spectrographic analysis, to be a pretzel. The Department of Homeland Insecurity places the nation on a Code Magenta Alert (“A Tad Higher Than Relatively High, But Not Totally High”).
    In sports, the New England Patriots win the Super Bowl, thus using up all the sports luck that New England has been accumulating for decades and thereby guaranteeing that the Red Sox will not win the World Series for another 150 years.
    But the big sporting event is the Winter Olympics, which brings thousands of athletes and spectators from around the world to Salt Lake City to celebrate the official Olympic theme: “A Salute to Metal Detectors.” The games go smoothly at first, except in the alpine events, where the competitors, their skis having been confiscated by airport security, must slide down the mountain on their butts. But the big scandal occurs in pairs figure skating, where the Canadian team clearly outskates the competition, only to see the gold medal awarded, in a judging decision that creates an international uproar, to…Iraq.
    And speaking of international tension, in…
    â€¦the situation worsens in the Middle East as Israeli tanks, following a series of Palestinian attacks, surround Yasser Arafat’s headquarters, cutting off the electricity, telephone service, water, and pizza delivery. This is roughly the twenty-fifth time the Israelis have had Arafat surrounded, but the crafty leader persuades them to let him go by promising to take a shower, a pledge he immediately violates.
    Meanwhile, the United States is treated to an amazing but absolutely true Homeland Insecurity development when, on March 11, a Florida flight school receives formal notification from the U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service that the INS has approved student visas for Mohamed Atta and Marwan al-Shehhi, both of whom are currently deceased,

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