must take the responsibility herself – a prospect that causes her great anxiety.’
We walked over to the swing and she wiggled about to get comfortable on the rubber tyre seat as I lay on the grass beside her.
‘Push me, Nick?’
I got up and stood behind her. She sat there passively at first, not helping me with the momentum, then it seemed to come back to her.
‘What have you done to your finger?’ She had a plaster on the knuckle of her right index finger, and the skin below it looked red and sore.
‘I did something a bit silly in science. It’ll be fine.’
I pushed her in silence for a while. I liked it. It made me think of the great times I’d had in this backyard too.
‘First thing Dad used to do when he came home from work,’ she said. ‘He’d go and give Mom a kiss, then come out and play with us. It was good. Not all dads do that.’
‘Not all dads love their kids as much as he did.’
She liked that. ‘Mom used to bring us out cookies and Kool-Aid. Sometimes we’d all stay out here right until supper-time.’ She grinned. ‘We used to love it when you came visit. Mom would tell us to say thank you if you gave us candy, but to give it to her. She was the candy police.’ As she came back towards me her face went serious again and I slowed her to a stop, my head on her right shoulder as I listened. ‘I used to feel safer when you were here with Dad. Don’t you remember? Mom used to call you guys “my two strong men”. I was always worried when it was just him on his own because I knew people were after him.’
‘That was because he did his job so well.’
‘Did you work together?’
‘We were soldiers together in the army. When he married your mum he came here.’
She looked down at her trainers, then sharply up again, her blue eyes piercing mine. ‘Why did Mom and Aida have to die, Nick?’
We’d never talked about it. I somehow assumed she just knew, maybe that her grandparents or Dr Hughes or Josh had told her. I felt like I hadn’t explained the facts of life to her, and just hoped she’d pick them up on her own. Then again, maybe she did know and just wanted to hear me try to make sense of it one more time.
‘Your dad was one of the good guys. But his boss got mixed up with drug people and your dad found out. His boss killed him – and then he killed everybody who might be a witness.’
‘Mom and Aida?’
‘Yes.’
‘How come he didn’t kill me, Nick? How come I’m the one who got to stay alive?’
‘I don’t have those answers, Kelly. Maybe if the people had come into the house five minutes earlier or later, they’d have got you too.’
‘It would have saved everybody a lot of hassle.’
I lifted my head and walked round to face her. ‘Hey, don’t say things like that. Don’t even think things like that.’ Hunching down in front of her, I held both her hands.
‘Sometimes I feel so shit, Nick. Just kind of disconnected. Do you know what I mean?’
‘I spend most of my life feeling like that.’ I hesitated, drawing her close to me. ‘You know, I saw somebody die when I was eight.’
She sat up straight. ‘You did?’
I described the disused old factory building near our estate. The windows and doors had been boarded up and covered with barbed-wire, but that wasn’t going to keep us out. ‘There was an old sheet of corrugated iron nailed over the frame of a small door down an alleyway, but it was loose. We got in, up on to the roof. I remember puffing out hard and watching my breath form into a cloud.’ It had felt much colder thirty feet up than it had at ground level. ‘I walked to the edge of the roof and looked down at the pools of light underneath the lamp-posts. The street was deserted, there was no one around to see us. It was so peaceful. I’d never known the streets round my way be so quiet. And then there was a sound, a really horrible sound.’
‘What was it?’ She was pressing into my side.
‘Breaking glass. I turned and
We walked over to the swing and she wiggled about to get comfortable on the rubber tyre seat as I lay on the grass beside her.
‘Push me, Nick?’
I got up and stood behind her. She sat there passively at first, not helping me with the momentum, then it seemed to come back to her.
‘What have you done to your finger?’ She had a plaster on the knuckle of her right index finger, and the skin below it looked red and sore.
‘I did something a bit silly in science. It’ll be fine.’
I pushed her in silence for a while. I liked it. It made me think of the great times I’d had in this backyard too.
‘First thing Dad used to do when he came home from work,’ she said. ‘He’d go and give Mom a kiss, then come out and play with us. It was good. Not all dads do that.’
‘Not all dads love their kids as much as he did.’
She liked that. ‘Mom used to bring us out cookies and Kool-Aid. Sometimes we’d all stay out here right until supper-time.’ She grinned. ‘We used to love it when you came visit. Mom would tell us to say thank you if you gave us candy, but to give it to her. She was the candy police.’ As she came back towards me her face went serious again and I slowed her to a stop, my head on her right shoulder as I listened. ‘I used to feel safer when you were here with Dad. Don’t you remember? Mom used to call you guys “my two strong men”. I was always worried when it was just him on his own because I knew people were after him.’
‘That was because he did his job so well.’
‘Did you work together?’
‘We were soldiers together in the army. When he married your mum he came here.’
She looked down at her trainers, then sharply up again, her blue eyes piercing mine. ‘Why did Mom and Aida have to die, Nick?’
We’d never talked about it. I somehow assumed she just knew, maybe that her grandparents or Dr Hughes or Josh had told her. I felt like I hadn’t explained the facts of life to her, and just hoped she’d pick them up on her own. Then again, maybe she did know and just wanted to hear me try to make sense of it one more time.
‘Your dad was one of the good guys. But his boss got mixed up with drug people and your dad found out. His boss killed him – and then he killed everybody who might be a witness.’
‘Mom and Aida?’
‘Yes.’
‘How come he didn’t kill me, Nick? How come I’m the one who got to stay alive?’
‘I don’t have those answers, Kelly. Maybe if the people had come into the house five minutes earlier or later, they’d have got you too.’
‘It would have saved everybody a lot of hassle.’
I lifted my head and walked round to face her. ‘Hey, don’t say things like that. Don’t even think things like that.’ Hunching down in front of her, I held both her hands.
‘Sometimes I feel so shit, Nick. Just kind of disconnected. Do you know what I mean?’
‘I spend most of my life feeling like that.’ I hesitated, drawing her close to me. ‘You know, I saw somebody die when I was eight.’
She sat up straight. ‘You did?’
I described the disused old factory building near our estate. The windows and doors had been boarded up and covered with barbed-wire, but that wasn’t going to keep us out. ‘There was an old sheet of corrugated iron nailed over the frame of a small door down an alleyway, but it was loose. We got in, up on to the roof. I remember puffing out hard and watching my breath form into a cloud.’ It had felt much colder thirty feet up than it had at ground level. ‘I walked to the edge of the roof and looked down at the pools of light underneath the lamp-posts. The street was deserted, there was no one around to see us. It was so peaceful. I’d never known the streets round my way be so quiet. And then there was a sound, a really horrible sound.’
‘What was it?’ She was pressing into my side.
‘Breaking glass. I turned and
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