Dark Moonlighting

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Book: Dark Moonlighting by Scott Haworth Read Free Book Online
Authors: Scott Haworth
Tags: Humor, Dracula, vampire, Satire, Vampires, Werewolves, Werewolf, Popular Culture, vampire virus
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had fully
regained consciousness.
    “You see this?” I asked as I waved the sheet
of paper. “Doesn’t look very threatening, does it? This is one of
the e-mails you sent to me. You don’t think much of these when
they’re electronic, but I went ahead and brought it into the real
world. It will be the weapon with which I inflict the worst pain
known to man upon you. Paper cuts. One for each e-mail you sent me
this week.”
    Trevor’s look of fear changed to puzzlement
momentarily. Evidently my devious torture regimen did not seem
particularly scary to him. That all changed when, with a quick
motion, I sliced the sheet of paper across his forehead. His
muffled scream filled me with pleasure. A single drop of sticky
blood escaped the tiny cut in his head. I mopped it up with my
finger and consumed it with a flick of my tongue. Trevor’s eyes
bulged out of his head as he watched me perform the disgusting
act.
    “One,” I said slyly.
    Trevor was sobbing uncontrollably by the time
I counted to 142 about an hour and a half later. I had covered his
body from head to toe in tiny, excruciatingly painful cuts. For
many predators, the kill is not enough to quench the appetite. Like
a cat toying with a mouse, I too wanted to play with my victim
before I ended his life. As I inflicted my final wound, a short
slice across his ankle, I knew the real fun was about to begin.
Trevor barely acknowledged the last attack. It was just a drop in
the sea of pain I had created.
    “143,” I concluded. “I think you’ve learned
your lesson. Don’t you?”
    Trevor moaned and nodded his head
emphatically.
    “Good. Then I can put you out of your
misery.”
    I ran my tongue over my teeth and opened my
mouth to let Trevor see my fangs as they extended. The color
drained from my face as I let out an involuntary hiss. Though
already traumatized by the night of torture, my victim tensed in
fear at the latest development. I picked him up off the floor by
the hair, cocked his head to the left and sank my fangs into his
neck.
    After I was caught, I was often asked what it
was like to drink the blood of another human being. The best way I
can describe it is to say it is equivalent to a twenty-minute-long
orgasm. I know that is hard to understand, unless you are Sting,
but I can think of no better way to explain it. Evolution designed
sex to be pleasurable so that humans would procreate. The vampire
virus does something similar with killing so that the host
continues to feed and survive. After all, the virus wants to keep
its happy home.
    The public has been grossly misinformed by
television shows and movies about vampires. They think drinking
blood consists of a quick bite on the neck and ten seconds of
sucking. The average human being has five liters or roughly 170
ounces of blood in their body. Of course this varies by body type
and gender. The ridiculously large convenience store Big Gulp is
only thirty-two ounces. Thus, an average human being contains well
over five Big Gulps of blood. Even taking into account the intense
desire to drink, it usually took me at least twenty minutes to
drain a victim of their blood.
    Trevor was conscious for the first twelve
minutes of the feast. He screamed and futilely struggled against
the mouse cords as I drained the life out of him. Eventually he
passed out and was unable to tell, like I was, when his heart
stopped beating. I snapped back to reality when I had sucked the
last drop of blood from his carotid artery. The orgy of pleasure
subsided, and I had to move quickly to perform the next task. I
pressed off the floor and fumbled to open the fly of my pants. I
made it just in time.
    I let out a groan of relief as a heavy stream
of urine gushed onto the floor. I stumbled and fought to keep my
balance as my altered kidneys quickly processed the enormous meal.
It was, admittedly, a disgusting side effect of vampirism. I
learned through my studies that vampire bats have to start
expelling urine soon after

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