Read Online Darius (Starkis Family #5) by Cheryl Douglas - Free Book Online Page B
Authors: Cheryl Douglas
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to a minimum.
“Why do you do that?” he asked, reaching for his soft drink.
“Do what?” The way he was looking at me made me uncomfortable, as though he’d figured out a secret about me that I wasn’t ready to share.
“Refuse to hope.”
That was a loaded question if I’d ever heard one. For men like Darius, hope led to the inevitable outcome of getting what they wanted. For me, it led to heartbreak. I’d allowed myself to believe that my marriage would work out, that somehow Shaun and I would figure things out together, and he’d checked out before we had a chance.
“I’m hopeful,” I said, trying not to sound as defensive as I felt. I didn’t want him to see me as a negative person who saw only the rain clouds, never the sunshine. I wasn’t a pessimist. I was a realist. “I hope I’ll be able to save enough money to go to school. I hope I’ll be a headliner at a hot comedy club.” I felt bad indicating Billy’s was a stepping stone for me, but as much as I loved the people I worked with, I would have to move on eventually, unless Darius proved to be a miracle worker.
He was watching me carefully, making me squirm. “Go on. What else do you hope for?”
How was this man drawing these things out of me? I never shared my secret wishes with anyone, not even Daphne. I used to be a dreamer. As a child, I’d talk to my foster families about the amazing parents who would adopt me one day. But after years of being made fun of for “being stupid,” I’d just stopped dreaming and accepted my fate. No one was coming to rescue me. I had to figure out how to make it on my own. And I did.
“I hope to get a better paying job so I can quit the bartending gig,” I said.
“Just not your thing?”
I considered letting it go with a brief nod, but I heard myself say, “I grew up around quite a few alcoholics who behaved badly. I guess I never wanted to get into the habit of using it as a crutch the way they did.”
“Did they ever hurt you while they were drinking?”
The genuine concern in his eyes touched me. I had friends who cared about me, but Darius barely knew me. He had no reason to care so much.
“No, the foster kids were their meal ticket. Any reports of abuse would have resulted in an investigation, which may have resulted in charges but most definitely would have meant the state wouldn’t have continued to place children in their care. They wouldn’t risk that.”
“Did you ever have foster parents who were… decent?”
“Sure, I guess.” The scale of decency was skewed in my mind though. If they left me alone and didn’t raise their voices or call me names, I thought they were decent.
“What kind of impact did being a foster child have on you? I mean, did it influence your decision about having kids of your own someday?”
“I won’t have kids.” I shook my head. “I’m not cut out to be a mom. It’s not that I’m selfish—at least, I don’t think I am. I just happen to do better on my own. I can’t imagine having someone else depending on me when I have enough trouble taking care of myself.”
“But what if you had someone to help you?” he asked. “A partner. Someone you could lean on.”
I thought of Shaun. He’d told me I could always count on him. He promised he would always be there for me. He wasn’t the first person to tell me that, but he was the first person who’d made me believe it. “I don’t lean on people. That’s dangerous.”
“What about Daphne? Don’t you lean on her?”
I considered my relationship with my best friend. I loved her, but I didn’t need her. I could survive without her, but it would be tough. Since I lost Shaun, I’d vowed I’d never need another person again, no matter how tempting it may be. “Sure, I lean on her. She leans on me too. But our relationship will change eventually. We won’t always live together.” I pushed my plate aside, reaching for a paper napkin to wipe the grease from my fingers. “She’ll
“Why do you do that?” he asked, reaching for his soft drink.
“Do what?” The way he was looking at me made me uncomfortable, as though he’d figured out a secret about me that I wasn’t ready to share.
“Refuse to hope.”
That was a loaded question if I’d ever heard one. For men like Darius, hope led to the inevitable outcome of getting what they wanted. For me, it led to heartbreak. I’d allowed myself to believe that my marriage would work out, that somehow Shaun and I would figure things out together, and he’d checked out before we had a chance.
“I’m hopeful,” I said, trying not to sound as defensive as I felt. I didn’t want him to see me as a negative person who saw only the rain clouds, never the sunshine. I wasn’t a pessimist. I was a realist. “I hope I’ll be able to save enough money to go to school. I hope I’ll be a headliner at a hot comedy club.” I felt bad indicating Billy’s was a stepping stone for me, but as much as I loved the people I worked with, I would have to move on eventually, unless Darius proved to be a miracle worker.
He was watching me carefully, making me squirm. “Go on. What else do you hope for?”
How was this man drawing these things out of me? I never shared my secret wishes with anyone, not even Daphne. I used to be a dreamer. As a child, I’d talk to my foster families about the amazing parents who would adopt me one day. But after years of being made fun of for “being stupid,” I’d just stopped dreaming and accepted my fate. No one was coming to rescue me. I had to figure out how to make it on my own. And I did.
“I hope to get a better paying job so I can quit the bartending gig,” I said.
“Just not your thing?”
I considered letting it go with a brief nod, but I heard myself say, “I grew up around quite a few alcoholics who behaved badly. I guess I never wanted to get into the habit of using it as a crutch the way they did.”
“Did they ever hurt you while they were drinking?”
The genuine concern in his eyes touched me. I had friends who cared about me, but Darius barely knew me. He had no reason to care so much.
“No, the foster kids were their meal ticket. Any reports of abuse would have resulted in an investigation, which may have resulted in charges but most definitely would have meant the state wouldn’t have continued to place children in their care. They wouldn’t risk that.”
“Did you ever have foster parents who were… decent?”
“Sure, I guess.” The scale of decency was skewed in my mind though. If they left me alone and didn’t raise their voices or call me names, I thought they were decent.
“What kind of impact did being a foster child have on you? I mean, did it influence your decision about having kids of your own someday?”
“I won’t have kids.” I shook my head. “I’m not cut out to be a mom. It’s not that I’m selfish—at least, I don’t think I am. I just happen to do better on my own. I can’t imagine having someone else depending on me when I have enough trouble taking care of myself.”
“But what if you had someone to help you?” he asked. “A partner. Someone you could lean on.”
I thought of Shaun. He’d told me I could always count on him. He promised he would always be there for me. He wasn’t the first person to tell me that, but he was the first person who’d made me believe it. “I don’t lean on people. That’s dangerous.”
“What about Daphne? Don’t you lean on her?”
I considered my relationship with my best friend. I loved her, but I didn’t need her. I could survive without her, but it would be tough. Since I lost Shaun, I’d vowed I’d never need another person again, no matter how tempting it may be. “Sure, I lean on her. She leans on me too. But our relationship will change eventually. We won’t always live together.” I pushed my plate aside, reaching for a paper napkin to wipe the grease from my fingers. “She’ll
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