Read Online Dancing in the Light by Shirley Maclaine - Free Book Online Page A

go, that’s just what’ll happen. And that’ll be because it’s supposed to.”
    I could apply my karmic understandings with no trouble at all in the abstract, but now I was getting the test of my beliefs personally. The impending death of the mother you love couldn’t be more specific.
    Again, I found it hard to reassure her because of my own pain. I couldn’t find any appropriate words. I didn’t want to say, “Oh, it’ll be all right,” because she was beyond that kind of social inanity.
    “I love you, darling,” she said, “more than I can say. And I always have. So say a little prayer for me.”
    “I love you, Mother. I love you so much,” I said, my voice breaking to a hoarse squeak as I held back the tears and wished I had said I loved her so many more times than I had.
    “So do a good show tonight and we’ll talk tomorrow, okay?”
    “Okay,” I said.
    She gently hung up and I collapsed in the chair with the receiver resting on my lap. I wasn’t even aware I hadn’t hung up.
    I felt Sachi walk into the room behind me.
    “Mom?” she asked. “What’s wrong?”
    I began to sob.
    “Grandmother had a kind of heart attack or something,” I said, crying. “I mean, there is a bloodclot on her lung, really close to her heart. She’s going into the hospital.”
    Sachi’s face crumbled. She had not spent much time with her grandparents, and had been feeling lately that she wanted to make up for lost time before they got too old.
    She put her arms around me and felt me fall apart. I could feel her identify with the situation, wondering what she would do if she had gotten the same news about me.
    “What do you think, Mom?” she asked. “What do you sense?”
    I blew my nose and thought about it. “It might be time for her to go now. There was something about how she said ‘whatever will be, will be.’ She’s never talked that way before.”
    I got up and paced the floor. I tried to approach what was happening with objectivity. My mom had lived for over eighty years. The last five had not been easy. She had had an operation for an aneurysm, a broken pelvis, two cataract operations, a hip transplant, a broken arm, and she was diabetic. We had all openly commented that Mother appeared to be doing herself in. Either that or she was testing herself for a hundred-year run. This was only the latest crisis in her struggle to overcome.
    I calmed down and breathed deeply.
    “You know, it’s funny, Sach,” I said. “She’s been through so much with her health for the last three or five years that it became almost abstract to me. She never complains, yet she keeps doing these things to herself. I’m beginning to feel the impact of what she’s trying to tell us very strongly now.”
    “You mean, you think she’s saying she wants to go?”
    “Yes, but I think she’s conflicted about it, she’s worried about leaving my dad behind. She always says she hopes he goes first because he’d never be able to get along without her.”
    Sachi blinked quickly.
    “But wouldn’t Granddaddy go right away?” she asked.
    “Sure, I think so. And I don’t feel he’s afraid of that. As a matter of fact, I get the feeling he’s just waiting for her to go, so he can go back to the white light with a clear conscience!”
    Sachi laughed. I had told her about Dad’s out-of-body experience and she understood.
    I blew my nose again.
    “Mom, you’d better get dressed or you’ll be late,” she said. “Will you be able to work tonight?”
    Sachi possessed a combination of sensitivity and practicality at moments of crisis. I remembered how she had passed her stewardess examination for Qantas Airways with a top score. What put her over the top were her reactions to the simulated crash-landing test. She had been the only one who stayed calm and collected. She was showing me a bit of that now.
    I did a deep knee bend to see how my body felt.
    “Sure, I can work,” I said, knowing that nothing would keep me from