forcing me to do something. Youre not, Ryan. I dont want to be anywhere else, with anyone else. I promise. I want this, so much. Cant you feel it? Feel me?”
Ryan had nuzzled his way into Jakes neck while he was talking, and Jake was startled to feel hot tears on his chest. He brought his hand to the back of Ryans head and wrapped his other arm around Ryans shoulders, holding him closer. His voice was a whisper.
“Ryan, what happened to you? Who hurt you this bad?” Ryan snuggled into Jakes embrace. He couldnt look Jake in the eye, not yet.
“I left home three years ago, Jake. I stay away, away from my family, because I made a really bad mistake.” Every word sounded like it was being forced out over broken glass. “I had a friend, Mike, and he had been my best friend forever, all through junior high and high school. And when I came out in junior year, he stood by me, and I thought I was so lucky to have a friend like that. He got a girlfriend in senior year, and I was happy for him, but it made me realize that I had a crush on him. But they insisted that I be their third wheel all the time, and I kept it to myself, happy to just be his friend and hers too.”
He stopped then, trying to get some air, clear his throat, something to make the talking easier. It wasnt working. Jake just kept holding him, tangling their legs together, trying to wrap himself around Ryan, to comfort him, make him feel safe, anything to stop the tears that were ripping his heart apart.
Ryan took a shuddering breath and then continued. “I guess I wasnt as good at hiding my feelings as I thought, because one night he invited me out, guys night out, he said. So we went for a drive, and he brought a case of beer he had taken from his dad, and we ended up at the school football field. We used to do that all the time, before he started dating Cathy.”
Ryan was trembling, running his hands up and down Jakes back, accepting the comfort Jake was offering. “We sat in the back of the truck, having a few beers, talking, and I was pretty happy. Then, all of a sudden, Mike looks at me and tells me he knows. I couldnt figure out what he was talking about, but then his face was right in front of mine and hes whispering that he knows I have a crush on him. And then he kissed me.” This drew another sob out of the wounded man in Jakes arms.
“God, Jake, he kissed me, and at first I was so shocked, and then I was so happy, and I kissed him back. It felt so good, and I was so lonely, and then he was taking my shirt off, and he pulled me down on top of him, and I didnt care about anything, not his girlfriend or how sudden it was, nothing.” Ryan started shaking harder now. But Jake stroked his back and kissed his hair and let him breathe, and soon he continued.
“He was holding me and touching me and kissing me. I thought I was so lucky to have my best friend love me. He wanted to take my jeans off, and I was trying to get his undone, and neither of us heard the car pull up. And then there was a flashlight, and he panicked and pushed me off. It was the school security guards, and one of them was the dad of a friend of Mikes, and he saw us, and the look on his face was horrible. Like he wanted us dead, and Mike saw it, too, and the next thing I knew, he punched me.”
Ryan brought his hand up to his face, like he was remembering the pain, and his voice was a whisper when he spoke again. “He told the security guards I forced him. Said we were drinking beers and I jumped him, took advantage of him, and he looked at me like I was nothing, worse than nothing, and I fell out of the back of the truck and puked my guts out, and the whole while they both looked at me like I should be dead.” His voice was dead, like there was no emotion left in him to give, and for Jake it was worse than the tears.
“What happened, Ryan?”
Ryan looked at him like he had almost forgotten he was there. “He took us to their office and called our parents. My mom and dad
Ryan had nuzzled his way into Jakes neck while he was talking, and Jake was startled to feel hot tears on his chest. He brought his hand to the back of Ryans head and wrapped his other arm around Ryans shoulders, holding him closer. His voice was a whisper.
“Ryan, what happened to you? Who hurt you this bad?” Ryan snuggled into Jakes embrace. He couldnt look Jake in the eye, not yet.
“I left home three years ago, Jake. I stay away, away from my family, because I made a really bad mistake.” Every word sounded like it was being forced out over broken glass. “I had a friend, Mike, and he had been my best friend forever, all through junior high and high school. And when I came out in junior year, he stood by me, and I thought I was so lucky to have a friend like that. He got a girlfriend in senior year, and I was happy for him, but it made me realize that I had a crush on him. But they insisted that I be their third wheel all the time, and I kept it to myself, happy to just be his friend and hers too.”
He stopped then, trying to get some air, clear his throat, something to make the talking easier. It wasnt working. Jake just kept holding him, tangling their legs together, trying to wrap himself around Ryan, to comfort him, make him feel safe, anything to stop the tears that were ripping his heart apart.
Ryan took a shuddering breath and then continued. “I guess I wasnt as good at hiding my feelings as I thought, because one night he invited me out, guys night out, he said. So we went for a drive, and he brought a case of beer he had taken from his dad, and we ended up at the school football field. We used to do that all the time, before he started dating Cathy.”
Ryan was trembling, running his hands up and down Jakes back, accepting the comfort Jake was offering. “We sat in the back of the truck, having a few beers, talking, and I was pretty happy. Then, all of a sudden, Mike looks at me and tells me he knows. I couldnt figure out what he was talking about, but then his face was right in front of mine and hes whispering that he knows I have a crush on him. And then he kissed me.” This drew another sob out of the wounded man in Jakes arms.
“God, Jake, he kissed me, and at first I was so shocked, and then I was so happy, and I kissed him back. It felt so good, and I was so lonely, and then he was taking my shirt off, and he pulled me down on top of him, and I didnt care about anything, not his girlfriend or how sudden it was, nothing.” Ryan started shaking harder now. But Jake stroked his back and kissed his hair and let him breathe, and soon he continued.
“He was holding me and touching me and kissing me. I thought I was so lucky to have my best friend love me. He wanted to take my jeans off, and I was trying to get his undone, and neither of us heard the car pull up. And then there was a flashlight, and he panicked and pushed me off. It was the school security guards, and one of them was the dad of a friend of Mikes, and he saw us, and the look on his face was horrible. Like he wanted us dead, and Mike saw it, too, and the next thing I knew, he punched me.”
Ryan brought his hand up to his face, like he was remembering the pain, and his voice was a whisper when he spoke again. “He told the security guards I forced him. Said we were drinking beers and I jumped him, took advantage of him, and he looked at me like I was nothing, worse than nothing, and I fell out of the back of the truck and puked my guts out, and the whole while they both looked at me like I should be dead.” His voice was dead, like there was no emotion left in him to give, and for Jake it was worse than the tears.
“What happened, Ryan?”
Ryan looked at him like he had almost forgotten he was there. “He took us to their office and called our parents. My mom and dad
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