it.
Here’s my thinking: The only reason people flirt is they want to know they still Have It. They don’t necessarily want to do anything with it, but in case they ever do, it’s good to know it’s still there.
You’re at a party, you’re talking to someone, you’re laughing, they’re laughing … but what you’re really thinking is:
“If I weren’t married, and you weren’t married, and no one ever knew what other people do, and actions had no consequences, and pretty much everything in the universe was different than it actually is—then something would actually happen here, wouldn’t it? It would? I knew it! I just
knew
it. Alright—I’ll see ya around. I just wanted to make sure.”
Even if someone you
know
has an affair, you get hurt, because the discussion inevitably seeps over to
your
house.
“Isn’t that unbelievable about Wendy and Michael?”
“Really.”
“If that ever happened to
us
, would you leave me?”
“Yes.”
“No, seriously.”
“I
am
serious. I would kill you and then leave you.”
The smart thing would be to drop it here. (But if you were really smart, you wouldn’t have brought it up in the first place.)
“No kidding around, you would really leave me?”
“What is the POINT of this conversation?”
“No point … I would just hate to think that we couldn’t survive a bump like that …”
“What bump?”
“No bump!”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m just saying … hypothetically.”
“And why are you bringing this up
now
? Is there something you want to tell me?”
And there is
no
way out. You have to walk out of the house, go over to Wendy and Michael’s house, and smack them because this whole thing is basically
their
fault.
The
“Turn
Around
and Look”
C ertain realities of marriage don’t kick in right away. I was married six, seven months—happily married,
joyfully
married—and
still
, one day it just hit me: “I’m never going to be with any other woman naked,
ever
? Seriously?… In other words, out of all the different people, body types, shapes, and sizes, you’re saying: These are the last breasts I’m ever gonna touch? Interesting.… I don’t think I understood that.”
It has to settle in. Bring it up again the next day. “Just to clarify … What you’re saying is: These hands will not touch the skin of another woman for, literally,
ever
? No matter what? … Even if we’re in different countries? Or we’re mad at each other or something?Uh-huh.… So, you’re saying, basically, ‘No.’ … ‘No’ would be the word for me to hang on to here.… Geez.… And the same for
you
? I’m the last guy you’re ever going to see naked? Wow.… well, good luck to
you.”
It’s a mourning process you must go through together.
Because no matter how much in love two people are, you never lose sight of the fact that there are
other
people out there, too. And several of them are attractive. You can’t help but notice this.
And this has nothing to do with Not Committing. It’s easy to commit. The hard part is ruling out other commitments.
I learned this from my dog.
I’m eating potato chips; my dog comes over and stares at me with those doggy eyes.
“Can I have a potato chip, please?”
“No.”
“Okay.” He sits right there. Stares at me.
“Can I have a potato chip, please?”
As if we didn’t just have this conversation.
“Come on, just give me one, I’ll never bother you again.”
“Alright, fine. Here.”
Chomp!
“Could I try one more, please?”
“You said that was the last one.”
“Well, I made a mistake. Can I have
that
one? The one going in your mouth? That’s the one I
really
want.”
“You sure this time?”
“Yes. That’s the one that will satisfy my curiosity about
all
potato chips. I swear it this time.”
It’s not the potato chip he wants. He just wants to know he can have
another
potato chip afterward.
M aybe we’re foolishly searching for something even
Here’s my thinking: The only reason people flirt is they want to know they still Have It. They don’t necessarily want to do anything with it, but in case they ever do, it’s good to know it’s still there.
You’re at a party, you’re talking to someone, you’re laughing, they’re laughing … but what you’re really thinking is:
“If I weren’t married, and you weren’t married, and no one ever knew what other people do, and actions had no consequences, and pretty much everything in the universe was different than it actually is—then something would actually happen here, wouldn’t it? It would? I knew it! I just
knew
it. Alright—I’ll see ya around. I just wanted to make sure.”
Even if someone you
know
has an affair, you get hurt, because the discussion inevitably seeps over to
your
house.
“Isn’t that unbelievable about Wendy and Michael?”
“Really.”
“If that ever happened to
us
, would you leave me?”
“Yes.”
“No, seriously.”
“I
am
serious. I would kill you and then leave you.”
The smart thing would be to drop it here. (But if you were really smart, you wouldn’t have brought it up in the first place.)
“No kidding around, you would really leave me?”
“What is the POINT of this conversation?”
“No point … I would just hate to think that we couldn’t survive a bump like that …”
“What bump?”
“No bump!”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m just saying … hypothetically.”
“And why are you bringing this up
now
? Is there something you want to tell me?”
And there is
no
way out. You have to walk out of the house, go over to Wendy and Michael’s house, and smack them because this whole thing is basically
their
fault.
The
“Turn
Around
and Look”
C ertain realities of marriage don’t kick in right away. I was married six, seven months—happily married,
joyfully
married—and
still
, one day it just hit me: “I’m never going to be with any other woman naked,
ever
? Seriously?… In other words, out of all the different people, body types, shapes, and sizes, you’re saying: These are the last breasts I’m ever gonna touch? Interesting.… I don’t think I understood that.”
It has to settle in. Bring it up again the next day. “Just to clarify … What you’re saying is: These hands will not touch the skin of another woman for, literally,
ever
? No matter what? … Even if we’re in different countries? Or we’re mad at each other or something?Uh-huh.… So, you’re saying, basically, ‘No.’ … ‘No’ would be the word for me to hang on to here.… Geez.… And the same for
you
? I’m the last guy you’re ever going to see naked? Wow.… well, good luck to
you.”
It’s a mourning process you must go through together.
Because no matter how much in love two people are, you never lose sight of the fact that there are
other
people out there, too. And several of them are attractive. You can’t help but notice this.
And this has nothing to do with Not Committing. It’s easy to commit. The hard part is ruling out other commitments.
I learned this from my dog.
I’m eating potato chips; my dog comes over and stares at me with those doggy eyes.
“Can I have a potato chip, please?”
“No.”
“Okay.” He sits right there. Stares at me.
“Can I have a potato chip, please?”
As if we didn’t just have this conversation.
“Come on, just give me one, I’ll never bother you again.”
“Alright, fine. Here.”
Chomp!
“Could I try one more, please?”
“You said that was the last one.”
“Well, I made a mistake. Can I have
that
one? The one going in your mouth? That’s the one I
really
want.”
“You sure this time?”
“Yes. That’s the one that will satisfy my curiosity about
all
potato chips. I swear it this time.”
It’s not the potato chip he wants. He just wants to know he can have
another
potato chip afterward.
M aybe we’re foolishly searching for something even
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