that’s the first place everybody’s looking. They pull you out: “Let’s see what you got—specifically
there.
”
They don’t care if you have a head or a back, butwhatever is going on between your legs—they need to know
now.
A nyway, we go to this friend’s baby’s party, and somehow
I
was responsible for getting the
card.
How do you find the right card for someone you’ve never heard of?
What is the exact sentiment you’re trying to express?
“I know nothing about you, but I’m sure you’re a nice enough person.”
“We hardly know you, what did you expect—cash?” You never see those kind of cards.
I love when they take a card and concoct every family/relationship combination imaginable: “From the Two of Us to the Two of You,” “From the Three of Us to the Three of You,” “From Some of Us to All of You,” “From Both of Us to Nobody in Your Area …”
Then they break it up by occupations: “To a Wonderful Boss from a Terrific Secretary,” “From a Belligerent Osteopath to a Nifty Teamster.” Every job, every adjective.
I once went up to the guy at the register and said, “You know, a friend of mine just got a job on the same day as his anniversary, and his dog just had puppies, but sadly his grandfather passed away that afternoon. Is there a card that might cover the whole thing?”
He said, “Sure. From the whole family, or just yourself?”
So they have it. You just have to ask.
A nd let me just say this:
It
is
important that you get the
right
card. Don’t get one that’s
almost
right and try to change it by hand. People know when you do that, and they don’t enjoy it. They mock you when you leave.
And don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about, either. You want a “Dad” card, but they only have “Grandpa,” so you think, “We’ll cross out ‘Grand’ and make it ‘Pa.’ That’ll work.… And, hey, everybody call him ‘Pa,’ so I don’t look stupid. ‘Hi, Pa,’ ‘How ya doing, Pa?’ It’ll be like ‘Bonanza,’ it’ll be fun.”
Or a little kid-card that you adjust for adults? “Today you’re five, you’re a big boy.” Little flick of the pen: “ ‘Well, today you’re
sixty
-five.’ How do you like that? ‘Today you’re sixty-five,
boy-o-boy.
’ We’ll make the giraffe a set of golf clubs, he’ll never know. His neck becomes a nine iron, and it’s a little bag with hooves …”
T his shower-that’s-not-a-shower-just-a-party turns out to be a
surprise
party. Can someone please explain to me the appeal of the Surprise Party?
It’s never worth the effort. You spend months planning, keeping secrets, avoiding people, lying, scheming, spreading misinformation—all so that when the guy walks in the room, you yell, “SURPRISE!” and he calmly goes, “Hmm, well I’ll be darned.”
That’s it. Three seconds. Just so the guy can be darned. After the three seconds, you have the exact same party you would have had if the guy knew the whole time.
And if you’re the surprise, it’s even worse, because you have to spend the whole evening answering the same question: “Did you know? When did you know? You didn’t know? Oh, come on, you knew. You had to know! When did you know?”
You have to convince them. “I didn’t know. I
didn’t.
I’m telling you, I didn’t know. It’s my party—stop grilling me.”
Also, if you’re the one being surprised, no one talks to you for three weeks before. They’re afraid of blowing the surprise. So they don’t call you, they won’t get together with you, nothing. They avoid you like the plague.
Now you’re depressed: you’re getting older
and
you have no friends.
So you figure, “Fine. I’ll spend my birthday alone. Who needs them?”
You walk in: “SURPRISE!!!” And now you’ve got tospend an evening with two hundred people you’re not talking to anymore.
A big party hazard for couples is Flirting. Everyone loves to do it, no one likes to be called on
there.
”
They don’t care if you have a head or a back, butwhatever is going on between your legs—they need to know
now.
A nyway, we go to this friend’s baby’s party, and somehow
I
was responsible for getting the
card.
How do you find the right card for someone you’ve never heard of?
What is the exact sentiment you’re trying to express?
“I know nothing about you, but I’m sure you’re a nice enough person.”
“We hardly know you, what did you expect—cash?” You never see those kind of cards.
I love when they take a card and concoct every family/relationship combination imaginable: “From the Two of Us to the Two of You,” “From the Three of Us to the Three of You,” “From Some of Us to All of You,” “From Both of Us to Nobody in Your Area …”
Then they break it up by occupations: “To a Wonderful Boss from a Terrific Secretary,” “From a Belligerent Osteopath to a Nifty Teamster.” Every job, every adjective.
I once went up to the guy at the register and said, “You know, a friend of mine just got a job on the same day as his anniversary, and his dog just had puppies, but sadly his grandfather passed away that afternoon. Is there a card that might cover the whole thing?”
He said, “Sure. From the whole family, or just yourself?”
So they have it. You just have to ask.
A nd let me just say this:
It
is
important that you get the
right
card. Don’t get one that’s
almost
right and try to change it by hand. People know when you do that, and they don’t enjoy it. They mock you when you leave.
And don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about, either. You want a “Dad” card, but they only have “Grandpa,” so you think, “We’ll cross out ‘Grand’ and make it ‘Pa.’ That’ll work.… And, hey, everybody call him ‘Pa,’ so I don’t look stupid. ‘Hi, Pa,’ ‘How ya doing, Pa?’ It’ll be like ‘Bonanza,’ it’ll be fun.”
Or a little kid-card that you adjust for adults? “Today you’re five, you’re a big boy.” Little flick of the pen: “ ‘Well, today you’re
sixty
-five.’ How do you like that? ‘Today you’re sixty-five,
boy-o-boy.
’ We’ll make the giraffe a set of golf clubs, he’ll never know. His neck becomes a nine iron, and it’s a little bag with hooves …”
T his shower-that’s-not-a-shower-just-a-party turns out to be a
surprise
party. Can someone please explain to me the appeal of the Surprise Party?
It’s never worth the effort. You spend months planning, keeping secrets, avoiding people, lying, scheming, spreading misinformation—all so that when the guy walks in the room, you yell, “SURPRISE!” and he calmly goes, “Hmm, well I’ll be darned.”
That’s it. Three seconds. Just so the guy can be darned. After the three seconds, you have the exact same party you would have had if the guy knew the whole time.
And if you’re the surprise, it’s even worse, because you have to spend the whole evening answering the same question: “Did you know? When did you know? You didn’t know? Oh, come on, you knew. You had to know! When did you know?”
You have to convince them. “I didn’t know. I
didn’t.
I’m telling you, I didn’t know. It’s my party—stop grilling me.”
Also, if you’re the one being surprised, no one talks to you for three weeks before. They’re afraid of blowing the surprise. So they don’t call you, they won’t get together with you, nothing. They avoid you like the plague.
Now you’re depressed: you’re getting older
and
you have no friends.
So you figure, “Fine. I’ll spend my birthday alone. Who needs them?”
You walk in: “SURPRISE!!!” And now you’ve got tospend an evening with two hundred people you’re not talking to anymore.
A big party hazard for couples is Flirting. Everyone loves to do it, no one likes to be called on
Similar Books
