Read Online Conna in Crisis & The Marriage of Ulick by James Kilcullen - Free Book Online
Authors: James Kilcullen
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but then they’d been at it for two thousand years. Could the nuns’ story be true after all?
*
A large number of Conna people travelled into Galway to attend the Circuit Court, in support of Mat Reilly and Shona Murray. Ulick took his place with his two clients while Crat led the prosecution with Madame sitting beside him. Judge John Ivers listened—with his usual inscrutable expression—while Crat quoted the Directives at great length. To everyone’s relief, he finally ended his long boring lecture with his submission.
‘Your Honor, I therefore ask the court to order the closure of these two premises and impose a substantial fine on the defendants.’
The judge looked down at Ulick.
‘Mr. Joyc.’
Ulick rose.
‘Your honour, I would like Mr. Bur O’Crat to take the stand.’
‘Very well,’ the judge responded.
Crat objected. ’This case is absolutely clear cut; there is no need for further discussion. It’s entirely unacceptable that I take the stand.’
The judge looked down on him. ’That’s for me to decide. Kindly take the stand.’
Crat rose.
‘Your honour, as a senior member of the USE I do not need to take the oath; I always tell the truth.’
‘Well then, you won’t mind taking the oath; let’s get on with it.’
Reluctantly, he took the stand and the oath.
Ulick rose. ’Mr. Bur O’Crat, you have stated that it is contrary to the competition directives that two traders should sell the same apples at the same price?’
‘That is correct.’
‘Yet, when they sell the apples at different prices, you accuse one of them of profiteering?’
‘That is correct.’
‘Do you not think there is a contradiction here?’
‘I’m not paid to think, sir: I’m paid to enforce the directives.’
‘I see. You have nine colleagues holding similar positions to yours in the USE?’
‘That is correct.’
‘Do you all receive the same salary?’
Crat looked at the judge. ’I refuse to answer that question; it is irrelevant.’
The judge looked sternly at him.
‘Answer the question.’
‘It’s not a valid question, your Honour.’
‘That surely is for me to decide. Answer the question.’
Reluctantly. ’Yes.’
Ulick smiled. ’You all receive the same salary. So, you are all in breach of the Competition Directives.’
‘I don’t accept that. The responsibilities are not comparable.’
‘In what way.’
He began to look a bit rattled. ’My responsibilities may be more onerous than those of my colleagues.’
‘So, you should be paid more.’
‘Yes, I mean no. This whole line of questioning is irrelevant.’
Ulick smiled. ’We’ll leave that to His Lordship.’
He addressed the judge. ’I have no further questions for this witness. Your Honour, I submit there is no case to answer and ask that you dismiss this action with costs in favour of my clients.’
The judge looked down on Crat.
‘The logic of your approach suggests to me that you will wish to outlaw collective bargaining and require each individual employee to negotiate their own wages—perhaps daily or weekly—thus abolishing trades unions.’
‘We’re working on that, Your Honour.’
The judge concealed his disbelief. ‘I’ve examined the two Directives you quote in this case. They are contradictory, and as such are unenforceable. I’m dismissing this action and awarding costs to the defendants.’
The crowd cheered.
Crat rose, angry now. ’I will appeal this case to the High Court, Your Honour; you cannot overrule USE Directives.’
The judge’s eyes lit up. ‘I’ve just done that, Mr. Bur O’Crat. This court is now adjourned.’
*
S etanta cantered through Screbe and headed towards Roundstone; it was a fine sunny evening with a light westerly breeze. He stopped suddenly when, to his astonishment, there was Dandaboy sitting on the wall nearby, smiling broadly.
‘And where would you be going, my friend?’ he asked, as if he didn’t know.
‘I’m going to visit Woofy. Lovely
*
A large number of Conna people travelled into Galway to attend the Circuit Court, in support of Mat Reilly and Shona Murray. Ulick took his place with his two clients while Crat led the prosecution with Madame sitting beside him. Judge John Ivers listened—with his usual inscrutable expression—while Crat quoted the Directives at great length. To everyone’s relief, he finally ended his long boring lecture with his submission.
‘Your Honor, I therefore ask the court to order the closure of these two premises and impose a substantial fine on the defendants.’
The judge looked down at Ulick.
‘Mr. Joyc.’
Ulick rose.
‘Your honour, I would like Mr. Bur O’Crat to take the stand.’
‘Very well,’ the judge responded.
Crat objected. ’This case is absolutely clear cut; there is no need for further discussion. It’s entirely unacceptable that I take the stand.’
The judge looked down on him. ’That’s for me to decide. Kindly take the stand.’
Crat rose.
‘Your honour, as a senior member of the USE I do not need to take the oath; I always tell the truth.’
‘Well then, you won’t mind taking the oath; let’s get on with it.’
Reluctantly, he took the stand and the oath.
Ulick rose. ’Mr. Bur O’Crat, you have stated that it is contrary to the competition directives that two traders should sell the same apples at the same price?’
‘That is correct.’
‘Yet, when they sell the apples at different prices, you accuse one of them of profiteering?’
‘That is correct.’
‘Do you not think there is a contradiction here?’
‘I’m not paid to think, sir: I’m paid to enforce the directives.’
‘I see. You have nine colleagues holding similar positions to yours in the USE?’
‘That is correct.’
‘Do you all receive the same salary?’
Crat looked at the judge. ’I refuse to answer that question; it is irrelevant.’
The judge looked sternly at him.
‘Answer the question.’
‘It’s not a valid question, your Honour.’
‘That surely is for me to decide. Answer the question.’
Reluctantly. ’Yes.’
Ulick smiled. ’You all receive the same salary. So, you are all in breach of the Competition Directives.’
‘I don’t accept that. The responsibilities are not comparable.’
‘In what way.’
He began to look a bit rattled. ’My responsibilities may be more onerous than those of my colleagues.’
‘So, you should be paid more.’
‘Yes, I mean no. This whole line of questioning is irrelevant.’
Ulick smiled. ’We’ll leave that to His Lordship.’
He addressed the judge. ’I have no further questions for this witness. Your Honour, I submit there is no case to answer and ask that you dismiss this action with costs in favour of my clients.’
The judge looked down on Crat.
‘The logic of your approach suggests to me that you will wish to outlaw collective bargaining and require each individual employee to negotiate their own wages—perhaps daily or weekly—thus abolishing trades unions.’
‘We’re working on that, Your Honour.’
The judge concealed his disbelief. ‘I’ve examined the two Directives you quote in this case. They are contradictory, and as such are unenforceable. I’m dismissing this action and awarding costs to the defendants.’
The crowd cheered.
Crat rose, angry now. ’I will appeal this case to the High Court, Your Honour; you cannot overrule USE Directives.’
The judge’s eyes lit up. ‘I’ve just done that, Mr. Bur O’Crat. This court is now adjourned.’
*
S etanta cantered through Screbe and headed towards Roundstone; it was a fine sunny evening with a light westerly breeze. He stopped suddenly when, to his astonishment, there was Dandaboy sitting on the wall nearby, smiling broadly.
‘And where would you be going, my friend?’ he asked, as if he didn’t know.
‘I’m going to visit Woofy. Lovely
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