continued for me.
“It’s been a long time since she’s had one.” She looked at me. “It has been a
long time, right?”
“Yes, I would have told you.” I stood up. “Can we please get back
out there and forget about this?”
“I’m not sure forgetting about it is the best thing.” Vicki
crossed her arms and seemed to be set on making me stay in the bathroom. “But I
will understand if you’d like to talk about it later at home with Hillary in
private.” Vicki looked at my mother.
“I agree. We’ll talk about it later.” Mom looked at me to let me
know we would be talking about it at home before walking out with Vicki.
Mom insisted on driving home. She stopped drinking after my panic
attack and only had coffee through dessert. Matt had sent Ashley upstairs to
finish her homework before I came out, and I felt grateful and guilty all at
the same time. I didn’t want her to see me like that, but I didn’t want her to
miss out on dessert, either. Matt and Vicki both assured me she wouldn’t miss
out on anything and it was a common practice—homework before dessert.
They each tried only once to get me to talk about what
happened—Vicki in the bathroom and Matt before dessert. They both respected my
decision to not discuss it and moved the conversation back to more basic
discussions as we had at dinner. I couldn’t believe we had talked for another
hour.
It wasn’t surprising that we didn’t say much on the way home. I
had expected my mother to berate me with questions once we were secure in the
privacy of my apartment, but she didn’t. After we both got into our pajamas and
ready for bed, I couldn’t take it anymore. I stood and stared at her with my
arms crossed. “Out with it.”
“I’m not arguing about this, Becca.” Even though it was my
apartment and she was my guest, she still had to make up the sofa for me as if I
were sleeping on hers. Apparently I couldn’t do it on my own. She smoothed the
sheet with her hand one final time and looked at me. “The decision has already
been made.”
“What decision? I should at least know what it is.” I uncrossed
my arms to put my hands on my hips in a stance that told her I was waiting and
it hit me. “You’re stopping the search.” I covered my face with my hands before
my second round of crying for the night started. “You can’t stop me from
searching.”
She sighed heavily before reaching out to me and wrapping her
arms around me. “I’m not stopping the search. I’m just leaving you out of it.”
I looked up. “What?”
She brushed the hair away from my face. “You said that was your
first panic attack, but how many dreams have you had?”
I looked away and she gripped my chin, making me look at her. “I
can handle it.”
“I know you can.” She let go of my chin, but stayed in front of
me. “You just concentrate on your job and let me search for you. I’ll come out
a few times a month and do the physical records’ search when the online
searches and phone calls give me a lead. I will find them for you, but I need
you to concentrate on you.” She kissed my cheek and walked away.
“I can’t let you do that.” I followed her into my bedroom.
“You can and you will.” She held up her hand. “This is taking a
toll on you. I’ve seen it and I don’t like it. You are not to worry about this
anymore.” She got in full-on mom mode. “Is that understood?”
If I were younger or if this were a true disciplinary action, I
wouldn’t have said anything and just nodded my head. Since this was about me
and for me, I wanted to make my point just as clear. “Only if you promise to
tell me what you find. I don’t want anything hidden from me.”
“Becca, I’ll never lie to you.”
“No, but you’d keep it from me if it was bad. I need to know, Mom.
All of it.”
She came over and hugged me before I started crying again. “I
promise. Now get some sleep. I want to get some fun in before I leave tomorrow.”
I
“It’s been a long time since she’s had one.” She looked at me. “It has been a
long time, right?”
“Yes, I would have told you.” I stood up. “Can we please get back
out there and forget about this?”
“I’m not sure forgetting about it is the best thing.” Vicki
crossed her arms and seemed to be set on making me stay in the bathroom. “But I
will understand if you’d like to talk about it later at home with Hillary in
private.” Vicki looked at my mother.
“I agree. We’ll talk about it later.” Mom looked at me to let me
know we would be talking about it at home before walking out with Vicki.
Mom insisted on driving home. She stopped drinking after my panic
attack and only had coffee through dessert. Matt had sent Ashley upstairs to
finish her homework before I came out, and I felt grateful and guilty all at
the same time. I didn’t want her to see me like that, but I didn’t want her to
miss out on dessert, either. Matt and Vicki both assured me she wouldn’t miss
out on anything and it was a common practice—homework before dessert.
They each tried only once to get me to talk about what
happened—Vicki in the bathroom and Matt before dessert. They both respected my
decision to not discuss it and moved the conversation back to more basic
discussions as we had at dinner. I couldn’t believe we had talked for another
hour.
It wasn’t surprising that we didn’t say much on the way home. I
had expected my mother to berate me with questions once we were secure in the
privacy of my apartment, but she didn’t. After we both got into our pajamas and
ready for bed, I couldn’t take it anymore. I stood and stared at her with my
arms crossed. “Out with it.”
“I’m not arguing about this, Becca.” Even though it was my
apartment and she was my guest, she still had to make up the sofa for me as if I
were sleeping on hers. Apparently I couldn’t do it on my own. She smoothed the
sheet with her hand one final time and looked at me. “The decision has already
been made.”
“What decision? I should at least know what it is.” I uncrossed
my arms to put my hands on my hips in a stance that told her I was waiting and
it hit me. “You’re stopping the search.” I covered my face with my hands before
my second round of crying for the night started. “You can’t stop me from
searching.”
She sighed heavily before reaching out to me and wrapping her
arms around me. “I’m not stopping the search. I’m just leaving you out of it.”
I looked up. “What?”
She brushed the hair away from my face. “You said that was your
first panic attack, but how many dreams have you had?”
I looked away and she gripped my chin, making me look at her. “I
can handle it.”
“I know you can.” She let go of my chin, but stayed in front of
me. “You just concentrate on your job and let me search for you. I’ll come out
a few times a month and do the physical records’ search when the online
searches and phone calls give me a lead. I will find them for you, but I need
you to concentrate on you.” She kissed my cheek and walked away.
“I can’t let you do that.” I followed her into my bedroom.
“You can and you will.” She held up her hand. “This is taking a
toll on you. I’ve seen it and I don’t like it. You are not to worry about this
anymore.” She got in full-on mom mode. “Is that understood?”
If I were younger or if this were a true disciplinary action, I
wouldn’t have said anything and just nodded my head. Since this was about me
and for me, I wanted to make my point just as clear. “Only if you promise to
tell me what you find. I don’t want anything hidden from me.”
“Becca, I’ll never lie to you.”
“No, but you’d keep it from me if it was bad. I need to know, Mom.
All of it.”
She came over and hugged me before I started crying again. “I
promise. Now get some sleep. I want to get some fun in before I leave tomorrow.”
I
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